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Goofy Movies Number Three (1934)
I think there's at least one Ancient Greek Tragedy . . .
. . . involving someone who tricks an enemy into eating their own children. (I cannot quite remember if Junior and Sis were baked in a cake, or minced into a pie, or even given the tart treatment, but I guess it would all come out pretty much the same way in the end!) GOOFY MOVIES NUMBER THREE is even more chilling than that Grecian yarn, as it was foisted upon so many more paying customers. After taking their cash to watch something no doubt promoted as "the best thing since diced bread," the same mercenary film studio turned around and slapped their erstwhile masterpiece into a new format designed to make it look insipid, lame-brained, and worthless. Mind you that the original stories mocked in the GOOFY MOVIES series and their not-so-humorous follow-ups were separated by a decade at most! These GOOFY MOVIES basically are blaring to the Public: "Oh what fools you were for getting scammed by our publicity flacks in the first place, and now that we're ripping you off AGAIN with this GOOFY MOVIE, Shame on You!"
Clash by Night (1952)
"At zoos, they keep animals like you in cages!" . . .
. . . Hollywood Progressive "Paul D." rants at Pachyderm Party sympathizer and fellow traveler "Babs S." in the climactic scene of CLASH BY NIGHT. Notorious Real Life nude pin-up queen Babs is perfectly cast as NIGHT's venomous forked-tongue viper. Her take on false-hearted harpy "Mae" is totally convincing. Since females of the Elephantine Persuasion always have given Womanhood a bad name, no one in Tinsel Town was better suited to capture the Evil Essence of the black-souled bimbo Mae than Babs. Her portrayal of this slithering sneaky snake strumpet was so True-to-Life that The Academy ruled her ineligible regarding Oscar consideration for simply impersonating herself on-screen. Why, then, is Mae's Big Screen depiction as a dull-witted battle axe so unforgettable? When it comes to Lucifer's Concubines, most critics put Babs' Wicked Wench of the West right beside "Marge Hamilton's" star turn in OZ. Though some have faulted NIGHT's film makers for tricking Babs into so blatantly embodying the Pachyderm Real Life Ideal of fiendishly mercenary motherhood here, it's certainly possible that the aging demon's co-star "Norma Jean" exerted an admittedly temporary positive influence upon this dreg of humanity, inciting the older ogre to blow a shrill whistle against the ilk of her Sinister Sisterhood, including "H. Hopper" and "L. Parsons."
A Penny a Peep (1934)
Sometimes the word "peep" refers to the sound that baby chickens make . . .
. . . as in (quote) "Peep . . . peep . . . peep." However, A PENNY A PEEP does NOT refer to this type of peeping. Rather, A PENNY A PEEP denotes the sort of lecherous activity giving rise to the legal term, "a 'Peeping Tom.'" Since, as the title of this film suggests, there's a money transaction involved with the ilk of "peepers" featured here, a case can be made that the "Peep Shows" revealed here are akin to Prostitution! Maybe "anything goes" Nevada way, but here in Texas we keep our noses clean. Whenever some pervert tries to open a den of iniquity featuring a "Peep Show" sign or billboard, the sign (and often the front door) are soon riddled with lead! Unfortunately, some destitute folks have a willing spirit, but lack the financial resources to help in this sort of policing. So, why not watch A PENNY A PEEP, as a reminder to generously support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)?
Poopdeck Pappy (1940)
"You've buttered your bread . . . "
" . . . now you have to lay in it," America's favorite sailor--"Popeye"--informs his Pops of the Wandering Hands while roping him down to his bed. Such restraints do not work on an escape artist like POOPDECK PAPPY, of course. This geriatric groper's namesake episode concludes with the dirty old geezer still cavorting loose on the town, leaving his son all tied up. The second half of POOPDECK PAPPY documents a dance hall brawl totally instigated by this long-in-the-tooth Lothario, which results in dozens of injuries, extensive damage to a town's main entertainment outlet, and a broken bass drum. While some viewers of POOPDECK PAPPY may shrug their shoulders, muttering "What's a single tar going to do?" Today's Generation will have a very DIFFERENT conclusion. At least a dozen American states have legalized euthanasia for problem oldsters such as POOPDECK PAPPY in recent years, with more areas okaying "hold harmless" Put Down laws all the time as a groundswell of support for this Common Sense Solution to a pervasive, serious problem builds across the nation. The fly in the USA's ointment for dealing with POOPDECK PAPPY, of course, is that hypodermic needles are unwieldy for many, and produce squeamish misgivings for most. Unfortunately, not everyone is yet in a position to handle these NOT-so-Golden-Agers in the original American Way. Therefore, after you watch POOPDECK PAPPY, please remember to support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps). After all, Popeye's troubles could have been over a lot sooner, if only he'd had a gat!
Jaipur: 'The Pink City' (1938)
"Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow are all the same . . . "
" . . . to a People who accept Fate as the Destiny of Life," bloviates the narrating bozo to conclude JAIPUR: THE PINK CITY. With nearly 10 minutes at his disposal, this buffoonish blowhard never once points out the obvious criteria which separates the sheep from the goats (or, in this case, our stalwart American Cowboys from the Indians): The pink lanes of Jaipur are NOTHING AT ALL like the Streets of Laredo, giving the fact that viewers never once see any of the indigenous people of this backward burg providing any outward sign that they're packing heat! Here in Texas, the ONLY time we have cattle careening down Main Street is when the herd is on a one-way trip to the packing plant! Often cautionary gunshots resound, to remind the bovine consciousness that they're on the way to the Final Round-up, and a sloppy date with a pneumatic bolt. However, in Jaipur these burgers-on-the-hoof apparently have the run of the town. These Stone Agers won't even smash attacking mosquitos, apparently not caring if Triple E turns them into human vegetables. Watch JAIPUR: THE PINK CITY, and THEN remember to support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)!
Two Little Pups (1936)
If a person's home is as good as a castle . . .
. . . then their garden constitutes their Own Private Idaho Potato--that is, their Own Private Homeland. Viewers would never recognize this Truism watching TWO LITTLE PUPS. While some reviewers may see these mangy mongrel miscreants as "playful youngsters," commentators of this ilk obviously have never slaved over a summer garden. Try hoeing, planting, fertilizing, watering, weeding, and reaping an acre or two without even the guarantee of a meager harvest, and THEN see how much you enjoy TWO LITTLE PUPS! This sobering cartoon finds mayhem-making mutts smashing a bushel of newly harvested tomatoes. Not content with causing this substantial amount of damage, the riotous rovers go on to destroy an entire row of catsup fruit on the vine. Next the Fiendish Fido's mangle a ripe juicy watermelon, and soon go on to pulverize a pile of potatoes. After wiping out a flower bed adjacent to the garden, the crazy curs branch out to muddy the homeowners' laundry on the porch. The fact that these nefarious TWO LITTLE PUPS are still alive after nearly eight minutes of vegetable carnage can mean only one thing: This gardener is so poor they won't have anything to eat and sustain them through the upcoming winter, since they lack the cash to acquire a firearm to stymie the TWO LITTLE PUPS from Hell!. Therefore, after you cringe through a viewing of TWO LITTLE PUPS, please don't forget to support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)!
Hold the Wire (1936)
This brief cartoon serves as an object lesson . . .
. . . about how NOT to round off the corners of love triangles. During HOLD THE WIRE, a big lug and a little runt (why not call them "Mutt" and "Jeff"?) are implausibly tussling over a damsel one of them calls "homely, skinny and thin: you look like something the cat drug in." Soon this cock fight becomes a high wire act, as Mutt and Jeff battle it out upon the local neighborhood's phone lines. This prolonged conflict rages until the fragile communication infrastructure of the entire area is destroyed (no doubt snuffing out the lives of countless geezers experiencing the initial onset of stroke symptoms but unable to call 9-1-1, or elderly folks who've fallen and can't get up). If only Mutt and Jeff were more affluent, they could have settled their differences the Civilized Way: With cold, blue steel (aka, a pair of Peacemakers)! So, after watching HOLD THE WIRE, please remember to support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)!
Adventures of Popeye (1935)
This brief cartoon constitutes an early example of blatant product placement . . .
. . . through the wallet of Big Spinach. To rub in salt to injury, the ADVENTURES OF POPEYE promotes a Spinach Prescription that is so ludicrous and wrong that it has NEVER worked even once in Real Life during the nearly 85 years that this blatant effort to bamboozle the more weak-minded among American Youth has been in circulation. Since its inception, Tinsel Town has been for sale to the highest corrupt corporate bidder, but seldom has such a crass display of the pitfalls inherent in this perverse propaganda machine been so brazenly flaunted in the face of Core American Values as through the ADVENTURES OF POPEYE. This wrong-headed yarn opens with a milquetoast smaller kid being bullied over his frilly white playsuit by a normal, somewhat older American urchin who's dressed appropriately for a boy playing outside. Instead of doing the obvious thing and returning home to demand that his mom immediately overhaul his Please-Beat-Me-Up wardrobe, the bullied tyke sits and cries until a bogus spokesman for the Spinach Industry starts filling his head with cockamamie fairy tale nonsense while shamelessly shilling for that unpalatable green leafy vegetable. Down here in Texas, any urchin old enough to wield a crayon has always known the true solution to such a situation: Cold blue steel (aka, the proverbial "Peacemaker"). So watch and cringe over the ADVENTURES OF POPEYE, which should motivate you to immediately lend your generous financial support to BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)!
The Tantalizing Fly (1919)
Since time immemorial people have wondered why flies were invented . . .
. . . lamely floating such reasons as "They are necessary to feed the bats" (but who really needs bats, anyway?). THE TANTALIZING FLY is a title that holds out the promise on shedding some light around this age-old conundrum. However, this animated short more or less wastes four minutes of its viewers' time, not actually providing any useful answers as to why flies exist. Some people claim that flies are necessary to digest all the rotting corpses of horses, cows, and people when they croak at inconvenient distances from slaughterhouses and funeral parlors. However, TANTALIZING FLIES are few and far between above the Arctic Circle. Nothing ever rots there. (I once saw researchers pry open a seaman's casket up in the Far North on TV, and he was as fresh as the day he croaked 200 years earlier!) Furthermore, flies are not around to desecrate the thousands of mountain climbers who've died above the snow line during the March of Time. Trekkers often find fully intact Stone Age stiffs high up on the Alps--totally uncorrupted by flies--and the Nepalese allow hundreds of dead people to lounge on the slopes of Mount Everest, safe in the knowledge that this is a TANTALIZING FLY-free Zone.
Wars used to be waged because of short cartoons . . .
. . . reveals FORGING THE FRAME: THE ROOTS OF ANIMATION, 1900 - 1920. For instance, American President "Woody the Woodpecker" Wilson won reelection in 1916 using the slogan "He kept us out of the war." However, like virtually EVERY Yankee POTUS since Andy Johnson, Wilson proved to be susceptible to the bribes, threats, and inducements of "The Military\Industrial Complex." Sensing that his brain was on its last legs and just itching to "enhance" his Legacy by gaining status as a "War President" (while obtaining the perks inevitably ensuing from back-stabbing his voter base in such a fashion), Wilson desperately began fishing around for any excuse--no matter how flimsy--to send the Cream of American Youth to their doom "Over There." Latching on to a sensationalistic animated recreation of a contraband patrol submarine sinking an ammunition supply ship masquerading as a passenger liner, Wilson was able to whip up a bogus media frenzy featuring the infamous Racist "Katie Smith" warbling "God Bless America." Though FORGING THE FRAME has a few other scraps of trivia about scary cartoon clowns and the like, the ability of our Shadow Government to forge a fraudulent fight needlessly flailing more than 50,000 members of the USA's "Lost Generation" to death amid unsanitary conditions featuring third-rate European hygiene is the most frightening feature here of all.
Little Swee'pea (1936)
This influential film has informed . . .
. . . America's Zoological Policies for nearly a century now. Guided by LITTLE SWEE'PEA, what does an Ohio zoo do when a careless mom allows her toddler to totter over to one of Earth's last 1,000 or so silverback gorillas? Gun down this dangerous critter, of course. During the running time of LITTLE SWEE'PEA, "Popeye" man-handles and brutalizes an elephant, a crocodile, a hippo, and a leopard--so-called "endangered" animals all. However, ordinary people who cannot stomach performance-enhancing spinach need a more savory solution to fend off the exotic animals constantly escaping from America's zoos. (WHO thought up this crazed notion of packing one of everything into an enclosure amid the human population of most American cities, towns, villages, and hamlets, anyway? Why not confine each type of adequately interesting tourist attraction creature to just one spot in the USA, so if someone wants to see flamingos, they go to Florida, and for hippos, they fly to Hawaii?) LITTLE SWEE'PEA demonstrates that these varmints are particular in maintaining a steady diet of young urchins. Surely our best defense against marauding man-eaters is cold blue steel. Sadly, many U.S. citizens cannot afford the military-style assault weapons necessary to bring down a charging lion, tiger, or kangaroo in the scant milliseconds available. Hopefully, LITTLE SWEE'PEA will inspire YOU to support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)!
My great uncle up in Peoria, IL, has three degrees in English . . .
. . . which one might think would qualify him to be an imperial wizard or something in the Masons, but I don't believe that he is any such thing. However, I learned what I know about writing reviews from him during family reunion picnics in the park back in yesteryear. While everyone else among our relations were engaged in exciting pursuits (such as "Rubic's Cube" and chess), Uncle and I would be perfecting the A, B, C's of reviewing. Uncle's First Rule of Review Club was to ALWAYS put the name of the thing you were reviewing close to the top (or near "the lead," in his technical jargon), and continue to use your item's title as often as possible. However, lo, these many moons later I just got Instagrammed by my pedigreed kin warning me NOT to follow his Golden Rule for Reviewing on every site! For example, Uncle said that he just had a review rejected on this site for this page because the Good Doctor Wordsmith of Peoria's contribution was--quote--"badly formatted.." My mentor explained that the indubitable reason for this negative response was because the actual title in question (please see above) was ITSELF badly formatted, and--by repeating it thrice--he got tarred with the same brush, even though he has literally had three college textbooks published about formatting! So, consider this a word to the wise: Never play down to the level of your competition, OR to your topic of conversation!
King of the Mardi Gras (1935)
This is the cartoon that started it all . . .
. . . according to my college cross country running coach. During a span of about six seconds (from roughly 5:22 through 5:28), "Olive" demonstrates the awkward gait that became known as the "Turkey Trot" as she runs for her life from a crazed, saw-wielding attacker named "Bluto" approaching the climax of KING OF THE MARDI GRAS. (Her eventual drawn-out orgiastic peak comes a few seconds later on a rollercoaster, as Olive outcomes "Sally" without even meeting a "Harry.") Speaking of Harry, male cross country runners are sometimes called "harriers" (who knows why). Naturally, Coach called we female tag-alongs "Harriettes." (This was well before Today's Me-Too Movement; the only thing we had of that nature was BM's.) Apparently, Coach enjoyed KING OF THE MARDI GRAS during his formative years, and relied upon it not only to critique the style of his slower "Harriettes," but also to invent the "Turkey Trot."
Blow Me Down! (1933)
When a dude smiles at another dude it's crucial . . .
. . . that the victim of such blatant disrespect bash out the second bloke's choppers, BLOW ME DOWN! teaches the youths of America. Of course, "Popeye" is not going nuclear over the subtlety of a mere "Mona Lisa" grin. What provokes the dander of the USA's favorite sailor man is a huge, toothy, gum-baring, leering grimace just asking to be pulverized! BLOW ME DOWN! provides a prescription for such a potentially viral attack upon one's Manhood: Mash those offensive teeth into pebbles and bits! Just as the Wicked Queen destroyed her Mirror, Mirror on the Wall when it had the audacity to suggest that Goldilocks outshone her own beauty, Popeye permanently dims the see-yourself-shine of the Taunting Tooth Man. Few viewers will feel sorry for this gawker in the florist shop doorway, because no one forced him to gape at Popeye as if the tar was the "Before" picture to his own "After." If anything, witnesses to Mr. Grin-and-Bare-It's comeuppance will see the Cycle of Life taking another turn, as Popeye creates a ton of work for some local dentists through his refusal to let anyone BLOW ME DOWN!
London Can Take It! (1940)
"At a time when the discredited Billionaire Boys Club . . . "
" . . . (aka, the House of the Groaning Fat Cat) was churning out pro-Reich Revisionist Racist Hiss-Stories such as the nefarious Gashed With the Whip (GWTW) bladder-buster" begins a pithy LONDON CAN TAKE IT! review I recently stumbled across, "valiant Warner Bros. stood alone among Tinsel Town's movie studios in speaking up on behalf of Freedom, Decency, and Life itself with such offerings as this one. As the official propaganda arm of the Fifth Columnist U.S. Treasonous Pachyderm Party, miscreants working at the Sign of the Mangy Lion eagerly yearned for the day when they could take their marching orders directly from Der Fuhrer Himself. On the other hand, such Warner Bros. heroes as 'Winston Churchill' were kept in the USA's Public Eye as Warner used vehicles such as LONDON CAN TAKE IT! and CONFESSIONS OF A NAZI SPY to let True Blue Loyal Patriotic Normal Average 99 Per Center Union Label Progressive Working Stiffs know that there was a War going on. Though there were millions of 'core supporters' forming 'the base' of support for the Reich's reigning czar, Warner Bros. alerted regular, Freedom-loving Americans to be on High Alert to detect such stooges of the Elephantine Persuasion."
The Hitch-Hiker (1953)
We all have friends who are packing heat . . .
. . . at ALL times (even when they shower!). This is especially True for those of us living in crimson, cerise, carmine, scarlet, or RED states, such as Texas. IF a law enforcement officer has the temerity to pull over a pick-up within our single-star state, he knows enough to specify "How many gats are you holstering Today?" rather than coming out with some lame New England-type query such as "Do you have A gun squirreled away?" THE HITCH-HIKER shows the kind of Trouble for which you leave yourself open when you give up the safety of your Home Castle with LESS than six shooting irons per capita. THE HITCH-HIKER "Emmett Myers" is able to terrorize two tenderfoot dudes during FOUR DAYS AND FOUR NIGHTS of Hell because their ONLY piece of Blue Steel is locked up in their jalopy's trunk when this ill-fated trio first cross paths. THE HITCH-HIKER's lesson should be taken to heart: Go out Today and support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)!
A Word for the Greeks (1951)
"The recent Civil War between the Forces of Freedom. . . "
" . . . and the Forces of Slavery" may be a narrative comment that goes over the heads of casual A WORD FOR THE GREEKS viewers. However, those folks consuming this Grecian snake oil with their volume turned ON could be puzzled by this anachronistic error in geography. First off, though the washed out color of GREEKS implies that this piece of video has been basking in the Aegean sun since Homer's day, Wikipedia says that movies were not invented until the late 1800s. Perhaps more importantly, GONE WITH THE WIND has taught us that that The War to End the Indolent Malingerers' Racist Slavery happened in "America the Beautiful" - - NOT at a reception for MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING! History books and travelogues frequently get things WRONG. Here in Texas, for instance, it is illegal to tell the Truth about the Alamo in any public school. (Students who do so are expelled, and their teachers disbarred.) ALL Kids of Color MUST "Remember the Alamo" as a battle between Heroic Mexican Freedom Fighters courageously struggling to KEEP Black Folks Free, against a renegade rag-tag bunch of Lazy Racist Losers Hell-bent upon shackling, flogging, raping, and torturing their dehumanized victims in perpetuity!
Pure Feud (1934)
"Lunch is over--get your guns . . . !"
. . . declares "Ma McCarthy" after a brief interlude to fork pork during the otherwise steady fusillades of PURE FEUD. This live-action short bears out the fact that the USA truly is "One Nation, under God." As it says frequently throughout the Good Book, Rule #1 for Right Club is to "Shoot thy neighbor, as thyself." America the Beautiful leads the Universe in BOTH the "Citizens shot by others" and "Citizens shot by themselves" categories. While the malcontents and misfits in foreign lands must stew in their own juices when Life deals them from the bottom of the deck due to their region's antiquated gun laws, PURE FEUD demonstrates the American Way to let off steam: Just grab a gun, and blast away! Sadly, many U.S. citizens lack the financial resources to readily enjoy using their Second Amendment Safety Valve. While the American Constitution contains not a single word on the subject of "food stamps," it DOES give EVERY man, woman, and child the "Right to bear arms." So watch PURE FEUD, which will no doubt inspire you to support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)!
Painted Desert (1938)
"Bob McVey" must be the lamest would-be cowboy "hero" . . .
. . . in the History of Westerns, as he insists upon bringing only his tiny fists to looming gunfights time after time. When gunslinger gang kingpin "Hugh Fawcett" orders a henchman to plug aging prospector "Charles Banning," Bob's fiancée "Carol's" dear old dad, Papa Chuck is pumped chock full of lead while the ineffectual Bobbie loiters idly a few feet away. (Bob may APPEAR to be packing Heat, but his shooting irons dangle impotently from his waist nearly all the time, fired at most once in the PAINTED DESERT.) When Fawcett's shooters drive Bob's ore wagons off a cliff by gunning down Bob's wagon guard "Hank," Bob wastes all of his time fooling with the reins. As the Fawcett Firing Force stampedes away half of Bob's cattle herd with their prolific gunplay, there's not a peep--or a shot--heard from Bob's sorry lot. (These jokers spend all of their time singing around campfires, when they should be honing their marksmanship on the gun range!) Finally, Bob allows Fawcett's saboteurs to blow up his entire massive tungsten mining complex, throwing merely fists as the dynamite fuses burn away, rather than shooting the miscreants and saving the mine. No red-blooded American can watch PAINTED DESERT without seeing the need to support their local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)!
Wagon Wheels West (1943)
"I'm coming back some day, when I'm a man . . . "
. . . are not always "famous last words," WAGON WHEELS WEST reveals. "Many a lonely grave marks the trail of American Progress," this live action short further informs us. As Shakespeare once noted, "He that lives by the gun dies by the gun." During WAGON WHEELS WEST, a young lad named "Frankie" witnesses his dad gunned down before his very eyes by a gang of Corrupt Fat Cat Corporate Capitalists. (This ilk of miscreants stubbornly persist across our USA Homeland down to Today, in the guise of Big Oil, Pay-Day Loan Sharks, Big Medicine, the Insurance Racket, Collegiate Debt Collectors, Slum Lords, Utility Robber Barons, and so forth). WAGON WHEELS WEST teaches viewers that we all need to be packing heat. When we venture beyond the walls of our Home Compounds, we MUST have competent marksmen riding shotgun to watch our backs. Most importantly, we should NEVER be gullible enough to trust anything that the One Per Center corporate types such as the evil banker "Phineas Hooks" here try to bamboozle us with. Since these nefarious demons already have signed over their souls on the dotted line to Old Scratch, they never feel the least bit of remorse or compunction about robbing We Normal Average True Blue Loyal Patriotic Progressive Union Label Working Stiffs blind. Perhaps the best way that YOU can ward off the in-roads made by these WAGON WHEELS WEST-type villains is to act immediately to support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps).
Dancing Romeo (1944)
This short reveals the Total Hoax behind . . .
. . . such alleged theatrics as ballet, figure skating, gymnastics, and "X-Games" snowboarding: They do it all with wires! Everyone who saw Miss Rabbit Furs--"T. Harding"--hike up her skate onto the judges' table during the 1994 Olympic Icecapades Final could see at a glance that any double (let alone triple) aerial spins from this Leaping Loser would be more fake than even "Moon Landings." In a rudimentary way intended to expose these "sport" scammers in pictures that even a lay person can understand, DANCING ROMEO takes viewers backstage as one such outrageous prank is being perpetrated. It's easy for TV commentators to blather "Pay no attention to the puppeteers behind the curtain," but "Froggy's" DANCING ROMEO handlers are simply a less sophisticated version of the screen con artists who've got most of the World bamboozled to believe that a few "superstars" can simulate the Moon's hypothetical gravity shortage while performing incredible, unbelievable, astonishing aerial spins, somersaults, and hang times. On the next occasion They're trying to trick YOU with this Snide World of Sports, just think of Froggy dangling from a wire during DANCING ROMEO!
Prairie Thunder (1937)
"Braves like many fire sticks . . . we go . . . "
. . . to town with them, is how this quote from PRAIRIE THUNDER could have ended, had not "Chief High Wolf" been cut down in his prime. PRAIRIE THUNDER documents the ravages against the Proud Warriors of the West wrought by corrupt White Trader "Lynch." This mercenary miscreant has sold the local Tribe 620 rifles with which to defend their Homeland, but only one box (or 144 cartridges) of ammo. As Indian Freedom Fighter "Gandhi" once observed, "All the firearms in the World are totally worthless without any rounds in the chambers." Sure enough, High Wolf's entire Band of Brothers soon gets decimated by the better stocked settler folk. Today's students are frequently stumped by the question of, "How could the Native Americans lose pretty much an entire continent, when they held Home Field Advantage?" The answer, of course, is that the Indigenous Peoples brought bows, arrows and hatchets to a shooting match. By the time many of the initial survivors began packing heat, it was already too late. All of the "early rounds" had been fired--and won--by the more up-to-date newcomers, who had latched onto gunpowder from the stay-at-home Asians AFTER the latter group's trekking element had cross the land bridge from northwestern Russia to the Americas. The rest, as PRAIRIE THUNDER depicts, is a tragic tale of woe for the Johnny-come-Early's.
Paris on Parade (1938)
If I'm not mistaken, there is a popular movie titled PAR!S IS . . .
. . . BURNING. This was probably connected to one of the 20th Century's World Wars, when the Prussians made Paris their "Home away from home." Though PARIS ON PARADE was released a few months before Der Fuhrer's Wehrmacht paraded past all the Parisian landmarks, the narrator here refuses to "wake up and smell the pilsner." He prattles on and on about the Canadian, British, Swedish, Czech, American, Vietnamese, Sudanese, Russian, Egyptian, Hungarian, Norwegian, and Spanish "pavilions," but ignores the gathering German, Austrian, Italian, and Japanese battalions. They say that "Pollyanna" remained focused on achieving a personal best at shuffleboard as the TITANIC sank. The voiceover dude narrating PARIS ON PARADE seems to be a soul brother to Pollyanna. Perhaps the only good thing that can be said about PARIS ON PARADE is that there are few--if any--lingering shots of Notre Dame Cathedral. Now that Paris' stool pigeons have finally come home to roost, and Heaven has belatedly dispatched a dose of Hellfire in retribution for their years of filling the Prussian ovens with virtually all of their Semitic Population, Francophiles can join the self-styled "Voice of the Globe" in savoring Paris on Parade--preferably on an underground screen, to be viewed like a ostrich burying its head.
Queen Christina (1933)
The main thing Sweden's peasants were wondering during the reign of . . .
. . . QUEEN CHRISTINA was whether or not she was colluding with the Spaniards. As with all monarchs, Job #1 for "Christina" was to produce an heir. Her heir could not be sired by just any Tom, Dick, or Sven, because only the cream of the Nobility had been appointed by God to Lord it over everyone else. Because Spain always had been Sweden's Arch Enemy, the last place QUEEN CHRISTINA was expected to shop around for a spouse was near the Spanish Main. However, as soon as Chris claps eyes on the Iberian Peninsula King's emissary--Tony--she permanently loses her taste for Swedish meat balls! As QUEEN CHRISTINA hobnobs around her beleaguered nation with Tony, no doubt spilling state secrets left and right, this documentary accurately depicts the growing unease amid Sweden's Patriotic Populace. Given Stockholm's archaic sanitation facilities during QUEEN CHRISTINA's time, the Common People have had more than their share of first-hand experience at smelling out rats. With Tony posing as a gargantuan rodent in their corn crib, QUEEN CHRISTINA's country bubbles to the brim of insurrection. With Chris forced to suddenly abdicate, brilliant swordsman "Magnus" preempts her elopement with the insidious Tony by Shish-Kabobbing the devious Spaniard, forestalling any possibility of a non-Protestant contender for Stockholm's throne eventually springing from QUEEN CHRISTINA's loins.
Gone with the Wind (1939)
A good friend told me that this is the most boring . . .
. . . flick of All Time, so when I noticed a copy in the dumpster behind a defunct Blockbuster store I was understandably cautious. GONE WITH THE WIND is too lengthy to be crammed onto just one DVD; it's divided between TWO discs. I decided to make use of the "Scene Selection" feature, and scanned this menu on Disc One for something sounding worthy of my attention. Let's review Scene #25 (of 400 or so) to determine if GWTW merits a week of your time. Running 4 minutes, 32 seconds, "ATLANTA BURNING" begins about 1:22:57 into this cinematic marathon. A dude and a wench are descending a shadowy staircase, and the dame stammers "Why, what--what's that?!" as she clumsily anticipates "Mrs. O'Leary's" cow by dropping the lantern she's carrying. Since Georgia's capital always has been infamous for being a rat's nest tinder box, most of the city then explodes in a gargantuan conflagration three minutes later. Then the chagrined geezer accompanying the arsonist bimbo remarks "It's a historic moment: One day you can tell your grandchildren how you burned down the Old South tonight." Soon the Neighborhood Watch folks seem on the verge of bringing the Lady Firebug to Justice, but her henchman viciously drives them off with his whip. If this sounds like your cup of julep, go jump into GWTW's Lake of Fire. But if you're a normal person, you might be better off watching something more tasteful, such as THE ARISTOCRATS or THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE.