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MJ (2018)
3/10
An offensive and pointless short about nothing
25 May 2020
This short was so stupid, a very sick girl violently murders several men and one woman and we the audience never remotely get to know why and that's all, it really feels like it's trying to get a reaction through shock value more than anything else, and it is a little startling to see a woman throttling and bashing guys to death, but wheres the context? If we don't know anything about why this girl is such a ruthless psycho killing men she meets through dating hookup apps, then there's no point and it just feels hollow. This short doesn't mean anything, it's nothing but a little cheap shock value, don't bother with it, it's the worst!
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Butt Boy (2019)
6/10
You know the weirdest thing about this movie is probably how well the story works!
20 May 2020
Oh my. So um, this was..different! I enjoyed this movie for the most part, it never quite took off for me but I loved how it kept its subtly wry straight faced tone and atmosphere consistent except for a few well placed moments of more overt humour, and it did keep me interested and engaged for most of its runtime, mainly very likely because in the back of my mind I really wanted to see just what the heck they were going to do with such an insane plot device and just where it all could have possibly heading, well of nothing else I can't say I was disappointed with the explosive finale! As I watched I just kind of took the movie in stride but then it hit me about a day later, I thought to myself wow, I totally watched a movie about a guy with a black hole like vortex for a backside! It's so gross and stupid, but I thought it was a little funny just because they tiptoed around the subject and never acted like it was funny. I thought the director who was very brave in what he was called to pull off did a good job in his odd role, I could tell he was playing the character all stiff and monotone because it was intended that way and it wasn't reflective of the guy's acting ability, least I sure hole not, and I sort of felt a little bad for the character because his marriage was pretty much dead in the water and the detective who was on to him was a very aggressive guy in comparison, but on the other hand he was tornado-ing little kids and animals into strange pocket dimension of his own posterior and he didn't seem to care very much, so it wasn't exactly a tragedy when he hysterically gets blown up from within in an icky welter of gory and glop after the detective puts a light to his noxious emissions! That part got the biggest laugh from me. So I thought this was almost good despite itself, I enjoyed it but I don't know if some viewers would just turn it off at the first hint of the juvenile plot device, but I thought it was cool how it managed to use such a bizarre premise almost completely serious, something that bugged me was that I wouldn't have minded a little explanation as to what on earth his bottom-dimension vacuum thingy was, and the little Chinese boy should have lived at the end. This tiny freaky movie was cute, very different, but in a good way and I guess I had a good time watching it, it mostly left me feeling a bit perplexed and nonplussed and puzzled as to just what I should have been feeling! My goodness, the crap they'll make a movie about these days huh?
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Stucco (2019)
7/10
Break on through to the other side!
12 May 2020
I thought this was interesting and it ultimately turned out to be a quite well done metaphorical horror short, although I didn't totally get every aspect of it, I started going off it a little when it seemed that it was headed in a strange pseudo-sexual direction with its story..but the ending really made it for me and I liked how the truly freaky chair of fused beckoning hands behind the sinister hole in the wall was a fleshy metaphor for her own fears, and it really surprised me when it was revealed that she'd broken out of her mental prison without realizing it and what the tiny spot of light in the darkness in the wall really signified, not brilliant exactly but a very cool and Interesting dark psychological short about a woman breaking free of her self-induced chains, glad I watched it, only thing I didn't quite figure out was that incredibly gross snogging scene! X
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6/10
Good I guess but nauseatingly long and it consists of nothing but many small reviews of well known horror movies
11 May 2020
Well This sure wasn't anything special at all , I watch stuff like this all the time on youtube in online shows like Cinemassacre's Monster Madness and Trailers From Hell to name but a few, only difference is it doesn't cost fifty quid to see! This was cute and amusing enough though, I liked hearing what some of the actors like Barbra Crampton, Kelly Maroney and particularly the hilarious Tom Atkins had to say, but this was way too longer than it needed to be, I get much more out of the reasonably long documentaries on a lot of my blu rays, they talk about horrible nothing movies like Lair of the White Worm Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and The Stepfather 2, only the length of it is exhaustive, the rest of it is quite shallow and soon becomes horribly repetitive and that made it a considerable endurance test for me to sit through, in my opinion it's definitely not worth the time to watch it, not nearly deep enough and I feel sorry for those who believed the hype and rushed out to buy this AVERAGE bloated monster of a documentary, so glad I managed to watch it online for free!
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House (1977)
7/10
Absolutely nuts, and quite the unique blast of a watch for it!
11 April 2020
So Hausu was a film that I was really eager to check out for myself after hearing how incredibly weird it was supposed to be, and it certainly didn't disappoint in that regard, it was probably the most bizarre flick I had ever seen. It's about a young girl named Gorgeous who invites a group of her young friends to come along with her on a trip to her sinister aunt's house in the country, only what they don't learn until they get there is that the old place is haunted, and sweet old auntie is an evil spirit! It took a bit to get going but once it did it was packed with some seriously crazy stuff that had my jaw dropping, there's ghoulish disembodied heads that fly about and bite rear ends, a lot of silly slapstick that really goes back and forth between scary and a cutesy childlike tone of fantasy, a possessed white cat that in one scene hysterically meows the movie's theme tune, and there's a man-eating killer grand piano! I suppose back in the seventies and in Japan this may have been viewed as a sort of children's adventure, well then Roald Dahl eat ya friggin' heart out! It might be a bit too wildly offbeat for some to take but there's a lot of cheesy fun to be had here, along with genuinely dark moments aplenty, it made me kinda wish that more of out fantasy films could have been half as madly inventive in their approach. Too unsettlingly off-the-wall, cuckoo-clock nuts to be truly endearing and loveable, too lighthearted to properly be labelled as true horror, this twisted fairytale falls somewhere in the middle and exists in its own very strange little bubble that is both whimsical and occasional frightening, but whatever it is it sure makes for a fun little ride that gets progressively more insane as it goes on, and while I didn't love the entire thing it had enough great moments to be good and was quite charming overall, and I can certainly say that I've never seen another one quite like it, it's fun enough that I'd say it's a hidden gem that's worth a look at least once just so you can take in the experience of it for yourself, because this Hausu is well worth a visit! 🐱 🌈 💀
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Boo! (II) (2018)
2/10
A dreary meandering mess of a movie that's not fit for a blind dog to see
22 March 2020
Warning: Spoilers
This movie was so stupid, it wasn't a true horror movie, it had some horror elements but they were horribly shoehorned in and the ending was out of nowhere and confusing, that little disturbed brat let his family burn for what exactly? He was already obviously a little psycho in the making going by the stuff in his room but, they all couldn't be there to look after him because he was scared of a spooky note and so they deserved that?? I mean apart from the girl they were pretty miserable annoying people but jeez! Dumb movie, it should have just been a straight up drama, it's like all the focus was on the dysfunctional family bull-spit and they didn't even know what to do with the horror stuff, going by the title and picture I was actually looking forward to a fun Halloween horror movie with some kind of a cool story involving monsters and a curse or something, not a depressing half baked snoozefest made by someone who clearly didn't know what the hell he was doing... Avoid, bad unsatisfying movie, not worth it.
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Kookie (2016)
8/10
Take one if you dare!
17 March 2020
A precocious little girl with a peculiar taste in very old horror movies and a bad habit of eating too many cookies from the cutesy porcelain bear cookie jar and then lying about it, makes the mistake of sneaking one out of the new horrifying clown-faced cookie jar that her mother got to try and scare her out of eating too much junk food as well as being a little liar, and soon after little Bree finds herself haunted by the terrifying spirit of the jar, as personified by a monstrous grinning clown that intends to keep her company for a long time! So what I loved the best about this short was the quirky performance of young Ava Jamieson as Bree, she was really cool and funny and unlike most child actors where they are kind of annoying and just there, she comes off like a real character who just happens to be a kid, and for me she really made the whole short work and gave it a bit of a dark comedic tone - a babysitter gets creeped out and a child may be going a little crazy under a malign ghost clown's influence, but it's not at all a grim and nasty type of horror short, in fact I found it bizarrely upbeat! No one dies and there is no gore, and I don't reckon anything bad was going to happen to Bree...as long as she stayed good! They did a damn good job on the design of the jar though, it was seriously creepy-looking, I wouldn't have been able to stand that devilish clown face glaring daggers at me all day, that'd be liable to put anyone off of their cookies for good!! This is a good solid horror comedy short that is very slickly presented, it had a good child actress in it, it wasn't a total downer, and what it lacks in the kind of gory punchline that you will usually get at the end of these kinds of horror shorts, it makes up for with a great sense of spooky fun! So worth checking out and just very well done! 💀 🍪 💀
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Playful Pan (1930)
6/10
Careless Pan
14 March 2020
A carefree little satyr frolics his way across the stream and forest floor, playing his pan pipes as he goes and causing all the animals and even the foliage itself to join in with his revelrous dance, and all is well until a pair of rowdy thunderclouds accidentally start a forest fire, at which point everyone has to think fast if they hope to save their woodland home! This is a bit of a curiously structured Silly Symphony, at the starts Pan's dance across the river rocks and everything is okay with some noticeably odd touches like a flower with big eyes and a bear cub fleeing up a tree that looks an awful lot like Mickey Mouse, but it's a bit bland as it's the same old gag of just animation built around the music, which was what most of these animated shorts were all about and for the most part it was very charming, but the short really picks up though when the fire animation starts and attacks everything in the form of little fire imps that even kill a few of the forest residents including one poor treeman who I felt really sad for because he looked just like one of the cute characters from the later Symphony "Flowers and Trees." The animation of the fire and the action that revolved around it and just how well the monochrome animation could convey the heat and destruction is something I was quite impressed by, and I liked the way the action returns to Pan who quietly disappears from the short for a while after unleashing the havoc, and then he just as casually saves the day as he uses his pipe to captivate and extinguish the wicked flame sprites! Slow to begin with but I enjoy how it picks up and becomes quite exciting towards the end, not exactly a gem but fun and well worth seeing if you have a liking for this kind of vintage animation goodness! x
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7/10
Fun yes, but it's a very poor show when the only real thing to get sliced and diced in the Friday movie, is the dang movie itself!
13 March 2020
So sometimes what can happen when you have a long-running slasher movie franchise that goes on for so long, some might say too long, you start to get the really weird chapters that try crazy plot ideas to spice things up, and so we got Jason battling it out with a girl with gnarly psychic powers! It's probably the best part but I really love the grim spooky opening narration that brings you up to date by the late Walt Gourney, what a great way to include him one last time, maybe Crazy Ralph was speaking from beyond the grave! They may all very well have them, but some of the minor characters in this movie are seriously annoying, I'm looking at you Maddie! I did feel a little bad for how she ended up because she was plain and only wanted to look pretty for a jerk who didn't even notice her, but she was so homely and squat and it really bugged me, they gave her too much screen-time.. Lar Part Lincoln was okay and just kind of there as the telekinetically-gifted Tina for me, to say she was the survivor girl she sure wasn't very interesting outside of her past trauma and the devious doctor that was out to exploit her, she never had any of the real fire that a final girl should have..she was no Amy Steel! I did like the story element of her powers though, I think it made the movie different enough that it stood out and to say that they couldn't really have her doing much more than throw things around the effect didn't look too stupid. And despite how they claimed to have not gotten along at the time, I thought Lar Park and the astonishingly handsome Kevin Spirtas had a cute genuine little chemistry together, even if compared to her he didn't do too much besides look awesome in his denim short-shorts..he sure was one good looking guy, especially his eyes, he was beautiful! Susan Jennifer Sullivan as Melissa I think I loved because she was such an exemplary 80s Mega-B***h and she had just the perfect look and attitude to pull it off, she was so nasty but you really loved to hate her, and nobody deserved to get axed and sent flying over that TV more than her! I like Kane Hodder fine but I don't particularly see what he did in this movie that was that was so fantastically different from all of those before him, I mean his Jason sure breathed a lot more and seemed seriously furious at meeting a victim that could actually fight back, but Jason was always just Jason in these movies to me, I never differentiated too much from movie to movie.. I liked the way in one scene you could see that Jason is subtly approaching Tina with a measure of caution after experiencing the brunt of her powers with an electric cable and he's sizing her up and I thought that was a great touch for Hodder to put in, as it's tough to give a character as nebulous as Jason any personality, undead walking monolith of doom that he is, but a talented performer can give him little mannerisms and touches that could add a lot. I love how decrepit Jason looks after he is accidentally freed from his watery grave, you can see quite a bit of his skeleton, and he retains the chain around his neck that was once used to weigh him down... It really was too bad that this movie couldn't have been the Freddy vs Jason venture it was at least at one point intended as, because I bet it would have been awesome to have seen that done back in the 80s glory days of the characters. It has to be said that the lack of gore is a real factor with this movie, without that vital visceral punch to the kills that all slasher movies need at their core, it just feels pretty neutered frankly.. The scene where Jason crushes the poor guy's head into mulch between his hands could have been the Jason kill to end all Jason kills if it had been left as it was originally meant to be! Enjoying the kills is just part of how you're supposed to enjoy these kinds of movies, and most people are actually capable of understanding that what they're watching is piece of horror fantasy fiction made for adults and just leave it at that, and I don't think the bleeding heart types who's job it was to take apart a director's good work and probably never even saw a horror movie in their lives, ever quite got that.. There's an inherent goofiness to it all, it's about an undead superzombie who endlessly slaughters his way through every hot young person he comes across because his crazy mother once got her head lopped off, there ain't no polite way to make a movie about that! The most baffling thing they cut out was the ghost of Tina's father at the end when he comes back to save her, a ghost to defeat another ghost, it's kind of cool when you think about it, and but they should have left his appearance as a drowned ghoulish looking ghost and not just a pretty much regular looking man, as it is it's just rather confusing and rushed, you're not quite sure what happened for a second! There was some serious censorship idiocy at play behind the scenes of this movie, and because that footage was lost it can never be restored to what it originally was.. I like this movie but I hate how horribly cut to shreds it is, it could have been so much better. However though, despite its painfully bloodless kill scenes I do still have a good time with this movie, it's still an entertaining slasher nonetheless, testament to just how good classic Jason was to see in action, good despite itself! x
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7/10
Fun but was seriously in need of more gore!!
11 March 2020
This was really fun, what the wicked looking bears were doing to their human victims was so hilariously at odds with the cheerful classic children's song that was playing throughout that it was soon making me laugh as I was tapping my foot, the design of the bears looked a bit clothy, like people in suits, but it worked because their faces looked really cruel and creepy, like they were adorable yet scary, like if the Tellytubbies had demonic expressions lol, I had a little blast with this loopy little short about bears having what for them is a grand ol time out in the forest having a bite to eat, the only thing that slightly bugged me was that it wasn't nearly gory enough, the tone and visuals of this horror short called for it to be drenched in crazy over the top gore I thought, friggin Troma level cartoon gore. Very fun, well worth watching, don't feed the bears! 💀 🐻 💀
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The Birch (2019– )
7/10
Good expansion of the original short film's awesome monster and definitely the best of the Crypt Tv mini series, but possibly a bit too overly complicated in its execution
10 March 2020
I enjoyed this a lot for the most part, the acting was good the story's were involving and the special effects were very well done, especially on the Birch her twisted self, of the double story arcs I liked the one with the Wiccan-esc misfit girl with the purple hair who witnesses a murder the most, I thought it went on for one episode too many though and it should have ended with that poor girl being dragged down under the ground into the Birch's cold embrace, the story felt wrapped up fine right there. I liked the other story with the strange girl being held virtually captive by her seemingly cruel foster parents...until it becomes apparent that her story is an elaborate origin story for where the Birch came from, uh I really thought that was rather unnecessary, I like the idea of the Birch being a lethal dark spirit of vengeance and nature personified who mercilessly slays the chosen victims and does not treat those kindly who abuse her unearthly powers of the wood, a lethal benevolent and savage guardian, not a former human girl with silly mystery powers who confusingly transformed for some reason when she finally used them to their fullest and whose own reason for having said special abilities was never made clear, I did like how it gave the Birch an added element of tragedy, for on some level she is still a mother and a protector who lost her own child in life and exists in death to mercilessly protect the innocent should they call upon her in times of desperation, but on the other hand that was a daft thing to do, as any monster is more powerful and intriguing when it has a little mystery to it! So in closing, I think they did a decent job with this series and it was a gripping and satisfying one to binge on one go! Hope they do more as good as this in the future, later! 🌳 💔 💀
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Final Fantasy VII (1997 Video Game)
10/10
More than a game, a tremendously great role playing game experience, time hasn't dimmed what made it a bonafied inspirational masterpiece!
5 March 2020
So as far as sheer depth of thematic scale, narration of story and characters that you soon grow to love and really care about, as well as just the overall great richness of what you can get from playing and truly immersing yourself into this game, I'd still definitely have to put it as not just the best Final Fantasy game, but one of the greatest rpgs of all time, and I hold several others in the series quite close to my heart, but this one's just got to go straight to the top because it kind of got me into the wonderful world of role playing games in general, it put Final Fantasy and Rpgs on the map for a lot of people. Before I even played it I found it to be one of the most instantly fascinating and awesome things I'd ever seen in a game as I watched my oldest brother playing it in 97 or so, I was absorbed in the beautiful run down aesthetic of all the slums of Midgar and the varied atmospherics brought on by the music themes which really made everything about it feel more like a living, breathing world, I'd never seen a game so huge before... There are certainly other great Final Fantasy chapters but this was and always will be the big one, that's why it's been so shamelessly milked over the years with mediocre spin-offs and confusing animated features, none of which ever had a patch on the original material! When I did eventually get a copy of my own I just played the hell out of it, it was totally a gaming addiction lol, I'd play that mother all night into the next day sometimes, probably not too good for the eyes and head but the rewarding experience of playing it was worth it that much at the time. I didn't even care when the story began to get more than a little confusing, who really cared about any number of minor flaws when the overall journey was such a magnificent one? It starts out so small, you're just a mysterious, spiky-haired blonde soldier with a massive sword who hops off a train in the middle of a vast industrial cityscape who's been hired by a mercenary group and by the end you're fighting for the life of the whole planet and facing the ultimate doom of a fiery Meteor from the stars! Sure today it is dated graphically but so what, what made it great stand out and be special still stands strong, and I for one always found that the blocky awkwardness of the avatars combined with the fantastic pre-rendered backgrounds gave it a certain quirkiness that was quite endearing. It was a smart game too, it had very well-integrated themes of conservation, life and nature vs destructive science, and the hidden interconnectedness of all things, as beautifully philosophised by the kooky floating sage of Cosmo Canyon during one amazing cutscene. There's too many great moments and little touches to mention really, I love the entire huge chapter of Midgar, I thought the whole game was going to take place there until you eventually find out that all of that part has merely been colossal prelude to the rest of the game when you're finally free of the downbeat metropolis and find yourself in a beautiful wide world. I love how awesome the characters are and again how much you care about them and get what they've been through, you really feel it when one of them is brutally struck down and is gone for good. I love how every layout and room interior is different from every other one, I love how the villain is such a remote and mysterious shadowy man in a black cloak of grim death who is always one step ahead and always radiates ominous menace and great power, and I love how one of your characters is a tiny cat robot riding a giant toy, and another is a super cool gothic man who is a werewolf, Frankenstein, demon and slasher villain all in one!!! In closing this was always a gaming experiance and a half of a game to me, one of the best I ever had, a priceless and irreplaceable classic. X
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8/10
"Those poor little children..." A dark gem of a short!
2 March 2020
Wow well for a start I really don't get why some people seem to downright hate this horror short so much, as I found it to be one of the better and more gripping short films to focus on an iconic horror character that I'd seen in a long while, I was impressed by how it actually managed to instil a little depth and a small measure of something akin to sympathy in a character as gleefully evil and cruel as Freddy Kruegar, but for me they did it by showing that Freddy's ultimate evil came from a tragic and hopeless place and just what a truly twisted fiend who never had a chance he really was... It's played completely straight and is a mini prequel that features a still living but already plenty unhinged and completely remorseless Freddy on the night of the confession of his grisly crimes against the innocent as he wavers between maniacally taunting his captors about the children he's murdered and lucidly going through some of the events in his pathetic nightmare of a life that led up to him discovering his wicked calling almost by accident, when, as a filthy vagrant he felt the first bit of power he ever did when a group of children were scared of him, a power he soon came to embrace and use against the helpless children of Springwood... I can see how some might have taken issue with how he didn't have the trademark witchy Robert Englund look to his face, but I loved Kevin Roach as Freddy, he was so full of manic energy and was so creepy that he just nailed it, he had the look of someone you'd want to move away from on the bus and for me he really made the short work and gives credence to the idea of Freddy being played (well) by anybody other than Englund someday. I just thought he captured the sadistic essence of Freddy as he was before he became a wisecracking slaughtering jokester very well, and it was great to see a little of the dark and serious version of him again, although there are also possible hints at his twisted sense of humour there to! I also personally appreciated the small detail of how it brought home that Freddy was a originally a child murderer and not so much a pervert, and here at least he only loves to subject the children to as much terror as possible in his hellish boiler room before moving in for the kill... I loved the callbacks to Freddy's Dead and the original movie's style of font in the opening credits, as well as suggesting that he had a deeper reason for seeking out nancy. I've seen some real rotten excuses for short films involving famous horror villains in my time that are truly not worth the time to watch them, but this one hooked and kept me interested right to the end, just by Roach's excellent performance. I could seriously watch a whole feature of the story that leads up to the fateful burning, it could work, and this short shows that. Decide for yourself what you think of it, because it's well acted and definitely worth watching! Thanks x
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6/10
They kind of flew the coop with this Symphony but it's enjoyable enough
1 March 2020
Hiya! So this pretty average Silly Symphony naturally features birds of various kinds as they glide, swoop, peck and strut their feathered stuff around a lake and through the trees to a merry music theme, and all is happy until a fearsome bird of prey snatches one of the chicken chicks, of which they must all swiftly work together to rescue before it's too late! The first part of the short is very simple and routine stuff with birds doing bird things to a repeating musical beat that has a nice rhythm and has a kind of a chorus with a bird chirping three times, all cute but nothing special, but it does pick up and get better in the second half when all the birds are swarming and dive bombing the mean hawk who was only out for a bite to eat! I thought the animation of that scene was the best in the short, it was very fluid and fast moving, remarkably similar to how a real large flock of birds look when they're way up in the sky. It did have a strong finish but that wasn't enough to make this short good for me. These earlier Silly Symphonies are basically all the same, a group of whatever are happy and then a menace of some sort appears that they gotta overcome and then they're happy again, not a bad recipe at all for the impressionable young minds of yesteryear but in my opinion in retrospect the Symphonies like these only really serve to remind you of everything they did so much better just a few years later on with shorts like The Ugly Duckling, and Birds in the Spring to name a few similar. To me a big part of the enjoyment of this series is seeing the craft of the animation slowly evolve and grow as you progress through it. This one's okay but it's nothing too great and it's definitely no gem of the series, the music verges on repetitive and the birds are a bit too cartoony, they hadn't got the hang of them yet. Yet another enjoyable but uninspired mere stepping stone of a Symphony on the path to the true greatness that this wonderful series of animations had to offer, fly free you precious little Symphony! X
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I Hate Everything (2013– )
8/10
A very good YouTuber actually and a talented movie critic and essayist
16 February 2020
I enjoy this young guy's content quite a bit, because while his show is called I Hate Everything I've always found his reasons for not caring for a particular movie or whatever kind of media he's "ranting" on to be quite interesting, intelligent and well thought out, he's very honest and level headed about what he dislikes and while I may not always agree with everything he takes umbrage with such as with his Watchmojo episode I respect his opinion because he comes across as a very intelligent tactful and educated individual who doesn't hold those who do enjoy what he does not in contempt, his arguments are very reasonable and in depth, and he's improved a lot since he first started, he's gotten quite funny and insightful in his scathing yet charming style of reviews, and I particularly enjoy all the Search For the Worst episodes and I freaking loved his review on The Last Jedi, I thought it was right the hell on and was one of the most apt and satisfying rants on the messy flick I've had the pleasure of listening to yet. I always enjoy these even if I'm inclined to disagree, because to me he's just that good of a critic, this guy is very smart, and his uploads are always worth watching anytime, if anything else he certainly ain't no dumb hater in fact he's one of the most gifted online critical media and movie reviewers out there and a credit to the medium. Keep up the great work Alex, from A fan 👍
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6/10
Mediocre reviews but who cares when the reviewer is such a little cutie!
11 January 2020
Caillou fancies himself as one I think but he's really not much of a film critic, he only ever gives a superfluous appraisal and never goes into any real depth on what the movie made him think of or feel too much, but he's pleasant and earnest enough in his reviews and I think he's genuinely into movies because he can't be in it for the subscribers as he doesn't really have the talent or personality to really rake in the big numbers and he definitely doesn't have the wit. He possibly tries to emulate his movie critic idol the horrifically overrated Chris Stuckmann a bit too much, whatever Chris reviews Caillou will review soon after, I think part of Caillou becoming more of his own adorable little man of a film critic and developing his review persona a bit more would be to step out from Stuckmann's shadow and actually try and review his own movies that he likes and give some thoughts on and that mean something to him personally, I actually find his reviews more entertaining than Stuckmann's. I think it says a lot that Caillou's favourite movie would be from 2018, I can't stand it when people only have eyes for newer movies and don't seem to be able to look back, I mean ideally if you ask me a real movie aficionado should be capable of loving the motion pictures of all decades, or at least one or two from each. Caillou seems like a really nice young guy and he is pleasant to listen to he just needs to work on the act a little, I don't really care what he says anyway I just like to watch him talk, he's such a cute dork, lol ya just wanna pick him up and stick him in your pocket! Keep it up man, you're a good critic in the making. 💖
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8/10
Loved it
3 January 2020
I thought this was a really effective short that I found to be consistently tense and well acted, the idea of insidious monstrous invaders living among us in secret has always been an unsettling one in all the story's and classic movies it's been featured in over the years and I found it especially creepy in this short, the prawn/ladyparts-faced monster people were weird and interesting, I thought the cgi of them was pretty dang top notch, and if nothing else, effects-wise this short is a winner, and I loved how it could have been open to interpretation if you like regarding whether the deranged man was really seeing what he was or if it was all some faulty drug messing with his mind, it never really spelled it out either way, and I thought it was pretty harrowing and sad stuff at the end as he went back to his old office to shoot up the place and let himself be shot, some pretty scary parallels to real life events there, apart from the monsters of course... Doesn't seem to have hit anyone else on here the same way but I liked this, it was an effective spin on an old idea and it creeped me out a little, and monsters that no one else can see as well as losing your mind are both pretty scary concepts, very good short to me, not everyone's gonna like it but it's certainly worth watching! Solid work x
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The Dark Planet (1989 Video)
5/10
Freakin' weird!
24 December 2019
Wow...this movie is a real trip! I saw a really bad transfer somewhere and jeez, I've seen a lot of crazy s**t on a lot of movies but this was something else..what were they smoking? It was like a bizarre performance art piece set in what might have been a post-apocalyptic landscape or a terrifying alien planet! The trippy surrealism of it was nothing short of epic but it was too vague and plotless, I needed just a little illumination as to what the hell was going on and maybe even even a little dialogue because after the first 'segment' the bloom went off this monstrosity fast and there just plain wasn't enough content for it to warrant being an hour and a half, it felt like a short that was stretched way out and it got very tiresome for me and I was enjoying the beginning part of it with the weird stop motion animated monsters for a while, because that was at least visually interesting and kinda creepy but then it got to endless footage of the couple making out and monkey alien people fighting and it felt like a seventies movie not a late eighties one and it's really not good by the end. I guess a positive I could take from it is that it's level of bizarreness did surprise me and I'd say that you should never think you've seen it all because that's when you have a Dark Planet pop up! It still stunk though, apart from some scary creature designs and half-baked intriguing elements and atmospherics it's not worth bothering with, as there are no words to hear and no meaning to possibly discern from it. It dulled my head and had nothing to grab my attention, and only left me with nothing but a little wasted time, Bad!
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Abandoned (2013– )
4/10
Tosh
17 December 2019
Oh I didn't know we were allowed to go that short, lol okay here goes then. Irritating host and narration, can't seem to be able to utter a sentence without inappropriately laughing half of the time, uninspired locales, very mediocre results, don't keep it up, please. Adam the Woo is the best there is at this kind of show, his content is much deeper and entertaining and even occasionally thought provoking, Adam visits haunting and often beautifully desolate places and does cool stuff like visit spots where movie scenes were filmed, it's really too bad Adam's show isn't on Imdb, as it really deserves to be. The non-relatable dork that makes this show is an Adam the Woo wannabe, nothing more, after a while I couldn't keep watching and had to unsubscribe, the million dollar apartment tour and super luxurious Disney cruise ships turned me right off, I do not watch these kinds of shows to see that kind of stuff, I much prefer Woo's down to Earth non pretentious and no bs approach, he gets what people want to see and he pretty much gets people I suspect, he's superior to this lame garbage in every way. I just found the guy too amateurish and annoying, definitely not for me.
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Dead Alive (1992)
10/10
"What? No pudding?!" A great line in this fantastically entertaining descent into splatter-filled zombie madness done the epic Peter Jackson way!
14 December 2019
So in this horror flick which is actually a period piece set in the fifties, a henpecked young man's foul domineering mother gets bitten while spying on him and his date at a local zoo by a toxic rat-money that was stolen and imported from darkest Skull Island, yes that one, and soon after messily sickens and dies, only to explosively come back to life as a mutating, ravenous zombie that spreads a plague of undeath as she begins eating dogs, nurses, punks and neighbors! To me this is Peter Jackson's best film, no offense to you Hobbit lovers, it's just so full of youthful energy, inventive kills, innovative special effects, and a hell of a lot of laughs. Oh my heavens the gore in this movie is just incredible, and the gallons of blood and guts on display have a certain look that's cartoony enough that's it's never nasty to the point of being unpleasant and not fun, although there's definitely practically every kind of nasty thing you could think of and even a few new ones that go down in this picture! It starts on a small scale and by the end you just have all out madness in a house that's full of zombies, killer entrails, yes, monster babies and a gigantic mum-rat beast that are all hungry for blood! It's an achievement in splatter horror it really is, and you just don't get films as crazy and cool as this one anymore, it's such a blast. There are plenty of horror movies with more realistic and effectively disturbing gore, but in terms of sheer volume this one absolutely tops them all! It has a good story with even a sweet little love story put in but the primary focus is on the gore and the comedy which is fine to me because it all worked out beautifully. It's so damn funny, and two scenes that always get me are when Lionel for whatever reason takes the wicked mutant baby Selwyn out for a stroll in the park and a scene involving custard that's as stomach-churning as it is hysterical! I really love this movie I always did, it's such an insane treasure, there's really not another quite like it. One of the very greatest zombie movies, and horror comedies of all time, it's a complete thrill ride, laugh riot and all-round gore drenched classic! X
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10/10
"There's only one way to stop a mad watch!" A wildly inventive animated visual feast for the eyes and one of my all time favourite Disney classics.
13 November 2019
I always loved this movie, it's so charmingly weird and cool, I've still never seen anything else quite like it. It's the first version of the Alice in Wonderland story that I ever saw so as far as the tale goes, this movie is my jam! There's so much oddball yet lovable charm to this picture and it's got so many scenes moments and characters that forever stuck quite strongly in my young mind, like the rather grim rhyming nonsensical tale of the Walrus and the Carpenter, the pompous caterpillar's elocution lesson and multicoloured hookah pipe smoke, the freakout of the sleepy doormouse, the sea of tea right near the end, when the Cheshire Cat unravels himself and leaves just his grinning teeth - my favourite spectacle though is the enchanting heart motif of the Queen's hedge maze and of her multitudes of meticulously animated card soldiers, I just love the way they scatter and fold as they move, having the physics of real playing cards, it's a phenomenal feat of animation just how amazing they look! The entire film is a lovely visual marvel to watch, and you can spot something new you like every time. It's truly bizarre and nonlinear but it's also for me enthralling and fascinating to watch, which is what makes it also magical. It moves itself along at such a breezy yet nonstop pace, except for the moving sequence where Alice gets herself lost in a more spooky corner of Wonderland and all the colour and music becomes muted and she despairs in a lonely spotlight for a moment. That's a very moody and saddening scene, it's made me teary-eyed before, she's so alone in that moment. I love it though because everything else in the movie is build around the frivolous whimsy but that part is all about the emotion of her situation, it's so curious how the strange creatures that are silently watching her from the shadows begin to vanish as she comes to the realisation that a land of wonders may not be what she wanted after all and that maybe she should learn to take the adult advice that she's given once in a while... Brilliantly done scene, I think it adds a lot to the movie all on its own. I love the carefree Cheshire Cat and how he's mischievous and kind of ominous at the same time, and his utter disregard for the Queen's rules made for one pricelessly funny scene! I love about this movie I also love the monstrous Queen who's clearly a few cards short of a deck, She's simply epic and the voice actress gave a hysterically thunderous performance! She's the scariest thing in Wonderland and brings the impetus that makes it so that Alice has to make it back to reality. I actually do like the way that several of the residents of colourful Wonderland are quite aggressively mean jerks towards sweet inquisitive Alice, particularly the snobby flowers who are all beautiful but unfortunately have downright stinky personalities! Poor Alice can't ever take enjoyment from the wonder all around her because she's being yelled at and manhandled every two minutes! Whole lotta downers on her little 'trip.' So did you ever see an Alice? If not then you really should because if you don't care for it from a story standpoint it still has tons of artistic touches and visual flair poured into it that it's still awesome to get into to this day, and I see no reason why it will ever lose that. I will always love this beautifully surreal dreamlike adventure, to me it's one classic that positively has it all. "And the King."
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Bone Mother (2018)
8/10
Wow, this was awesome! Talk about a novel take on the origin of Dracula!
5 November 2019
Well the first thing that grabbed me about this was the very strange and atmospheric style of the animation, it looked almost like stop motion and I quite liked it, it was beautifully gothic and very striking, and the tone of it was very ominous and fascinating as the ancient witch Baba Yaga was approached in her nightmarish dwelling place by an arrogant young noble on horseback who boldly declared that in exchange for a drink of the precious elixir of eternal youth, which she guards, he will lead her to many more human bones for her collection, only he betrays her by burning her beloved walking house of bones to ashes and steals the water of life, to which she wrecks a terrible vengeance by tainting the elixir so that he is indeed young forever, but as an inhuman fiend that is neither living nor dead and that needs the blood of the living to survive, cursed until the end of time... Thus the first vampire was born of Baba Yaga's savage malice! I love the mythology of this short and how it adds new bits of lore to these famous figures of dark fantasy, especially Baba Yaga who is very powerful and not to be trifled with at all, as Prince Vlad learns to his eternal cost! I love the way it uses all of the witch's classic touches, she's in the flying cauldron and she lives in her freaky living house with the chicken legs, it was very terrifically brought to life in this short it really left me wanting more like it. Suspenseful animation, thrilling atmospherics and great use of one of the more scary creations of folklore, very cool stuff and what an excellent short, I really loved it! X
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The Hug (2018)
8/10
"Ya gotta come give me a big 'ol hug!"
4 November 2019
A bratty kid who's having a birthday party at an obnoxiously tacky pizza place demands a show from the place's not quite right looking giant robot panda mascot, and when the long suffering security manager who clearly hates his job refuses to let the brat have his way, he steals the keys that turn the looming robotic nightmare on and sneaks backstage for a private performance, thing is though he really should have respected the man when he said that even pandas' gotta eat because this is no ordinary creepy robot panda but something quite monstrous in disguise that has a big appetite for little brats who don't follow the rules! I loved this short a lot when I first saw it, I really thought it was one of the best I'd seen in ages, something about it felt kind of fresh to me, I thought the panda suit looked amazing and creepy and menacing and just right there, you know what I mean?? I miss the era of big practical effects suits like that, and while the one in this wasn't a perfect example it was definitely great to see that old technique used in something again. It's quite suspenseful as it lured in the kid for a killer bear hug and was creepily wagging its stubby tail behind its back which felt very wrong for whatever reason, and then it reveals the more wicked and hideous face hidden behind the sweet panda mask, and then when it closes its freaky clanking arms around little Aden, it felt like the short could have easily gone for the gusto with the gore and had Pandory just be a scary machine that had gone a little homicidally haywire and had it simply kept hugging Aden until he messily exploded in a welter of blood and guts! I know it's more fun and spooky having Pandory be some kind of mysterious monster in disguise, but I'm just saying it could have worked well either way. I do like the mystery part, you don't know if it's a captive monster or a monster for hire, or a monster disguising itself as a robot to get a bite to eat...well given the hilarious security guy's reaction it's not the first time an unsuspecting kid got all ate up! Very good short, I loved the effects, the suspense, it gave me goosebumps and it ends on a real little jolt! Loved it, terrific fun stuff 🐼 x
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8/10
Cat got your tongue, and everything else!
2 November 2019
This short features an older man who tells a young silent man all about the frightening local legend of a strange hungry beast that seeks to make itself more human piece by piece, and which is said to have only one last organ to add to make itself complete, and as it turns out the old man should have been more careful of the company he kept... I never really appreciated this early short by Robert Morgan before, it's not a hugely mindblowing sick fleshy animation like his grotesque masterpiece Bobby Yeah is, but watching it now I really love the folklorish, dark fantasy quality that it has, it's very rustic and oldie world looking and it has a wonderful lyrical vibe that gives it the feel of a grim visual poem that perfectly sets itself up and ominously closes in a short but satisfying amount of time. The animation and the live action parts really go together great to me, the animation highlights the more fantastical elements and gives it a viscerally mystical feel. And oh my what a truly bizarre creation, it reminds me a little of the monster from Jeepers Creepers, but I kind of liked this one better! The cat as it first appears looks like a bizarre chimera of cat and man, kind of cute and harmless as it licks its human fingers, but then you see it devour a child and growl and it morphs into something much more monstrous and predatory, when it has the boy's face it looks positively grotesque and nightmarish, very unsettling and unnatural, you wouldn't want to pet it, and you'd never want it anywhere near your lap! And at the end when it looks completely human and unexpectedly rips the tongue right out of the unsuspecting man's mouth and stretches its own mouth to inhuman proportions in order to eat its poor victim alive and then sings in his voice, it's really spooky and weird! Is the hungry cat-thing finally done now that it's a whole stolen person at last or will it never stop eating up the unwary in its human guise? Grim ghastly fun and magnificently put together, this pleasantly creepy fable is one of Robert Morgan's best and really shows that he had his own particular brand of whacked out animation magic from the start! "With an artful of cheer..."
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Candyman (1992)
10/10
Sweets to the sweet
31 October 2019
What a great classic horror picture this is, I'm pretty sure I loved it from the first time I ever watched it. So the story of this follows a grad student named Helen Lyle as she seeks to write a thesis on urban legends at the university of Illinois, focussing on the spooky local legend of Candyman, which is about a hook-handed man who butchers anyone who dares to speak his name in a mirror five times, and as she delves deeper, Helen is caught up in a frightening web of supernatural horror that blurs the line between fantasy and reality, and as she gradually loses everything in her life and spirals into a bloody madness she is tormented by the illusive spectre of Candyman who has chosen her as the object of his obsession and undying love, and she comes to learn the terrible truth of both him and the legacy of fear that keeps him alive... Virginia Madsen was so freaking excellent in her role of the tortured Helen, she really threw herself into it and more than held her own during some pretty scary and harrowing sequences, and in the end her character is as tragic as Candyman himself as she ends up becoming a grisly new chapter of the urban legend she only wanted to know the truth about. I find the scene of the graven image of her as it slowly draws into her eyes as the credits roll to be beautiful, tragic, and chilling, she was once just an innocent regular woman, but after going through hell and ultimately dying and redeeming herself in the eyes of others, who she really was fades into legend as she becomes another lost spirit to be whispered of and fearfully told tales about... That's probably what drew me into the story from the beginning, it's connection to urban legends. Folklore is so fascinating and I loved how Candyman himself took different elements from different urban legends, like Bloody Mary and the Hook Man. I also loved the gritty urban setting, an area of Chicago that was full of crime and poverty, and that setting and the atmosphere of it was so fantastic because it set a tone that felt so grim and so real and that enhanced the film a lot in its own way. It's a cold hard place that's horribly neglected and falling apart and in the midst of this urban desolation Candyman's dark legend came to be. I love the early overhead shot that shows the sprawling university campus from above and how from that angle it has a strange gothic look that's almost like a temple no one can see, the extraordinary emerging from the seemingly ordinary. Also hugely of note is the music score which is so majestic and funereal and gives the film a wealth of added atmosphere as well as a unique feel, never underestimate a film's music! I also bloody well loved Tony Todd as that character, who ever didn't? He's so brilliant and powerful, I still think it's his best role. He conveyed such an ominous lethal nobility combined with such a brutal horror, he's a walking horror for sure, but you can see the faded grandeur of what he was in life... He was a man once who was cruelly murdered at the hands of a racist mob after falling in love with the plantation owner's daughter, and now exists only as revenant that keeps his legend alive in fear and blood. One of the most genuinely chilling scenes is when you hear the ghastly story of a little boy in a bathroom... He's forceful and unnerving just by his ethereal voice which sounds like it's right in your head instead of coming out of his mouth and his mesmerising eyes, he's horror and tragedy combined in such an amazing way, and such a mighty and iconic horror character to this day. Candyman is a frighteningly effective slow burning horror opus that's rich in atmosphere and is gripping and thought provoking on several levels, it's a haunting and satisfying film but not because of any gore, but through the emotion and the resonant themes that are explored. Fantastic, one of the very best horror gems of the 90s and a pitch perfect classic that I will always love.
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