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Happy Death Day 2U (2019)
Trash... just like the first.
Wanted to like these, but I just couldn't. In fact, after seeing them... I could HATE everyone involved. If you want to see something as scary as 'Charlie Brown and The Great Pumpkin' and as suspenseful as a Scooby-Doo episode with the production value of a Hallmark movie, look no further. Than the HDD saga... seriously people, you really should demand more. I'm pretty sure this crap caused a Mansonesque cult to develop. Sheesh.
Faaaaar worse movies out there... Happy Death Day 1&2 come to mind.
This movie wasn't very good, don't get me wrong; okay, it wasn't good at all, but 2.6??? I've seen PLENTY of movies on here that are rated higher, but are so much worse. Happy Death Day is a travesty, and Blumhouse should be embarrassed to have it in their repertoire, the fact that it landed a sequel caused me to utterly lose faith in humanity. Muck is stupid, but actually made me laugh on a few occasions, it almost nearly works as a horror satire and it's apparent they really did try before failing, rather than simply believing in their own minds that they tried and then failed. Every moron involved with the movie 'Extremity,' I'm looking at you all. 'Death on Scenic Drive,' Mark of the Witch, Creature Feature, and Willow Creek are also perfect examples of the half-cocked idiocy at work!
Don't waste your time? There are better ones out there.
Terrible acting, terrible premise, predictable and unscary, underdeveloped characters, bad writing, and contains aspects of a contrived agenda. The aforementioned traits are all typical of this director. Is neo-feminism invading horror now too? Oh, and there's no nudity... but they tease with it early and often. The entire product is just one gigantic frustration. An incoherent mess from start to finish. For instance, you'd think the main character's phobia was being wet... they half-assedly explain this via flashbacks, but the movie contradicts itself later as if they were rewriting the script as they were shooting.
Father of the Year (2018)
How far Spade has fallen.
Just a terrible movie... confusing, depressing and unfair. Why unfair? For a host of reasons... but mostly because I can't remove it's idiocy from my memory AND I paid $2.99 too much to watch because I felt like laughing at Spade... an hour and a half or so later, if I did laugh, it was for the wrong reason... like at myself for watching this entire... cartoon. The female characters dictate the plot and are as insufferable as one can expect in today's cinematic universe. God! Give me a time machine. I'd rather relive the past if movies like these and all other political agenda- driven trash Hollywood continues to force feed anyone who open's his or her mouth... eyes... whatever. Sorry... sorry the metaphor sucked. Hopefully, you got the message and avoid this crap and its ilk.
Happy Death Day (2017)
Hallmark Channel Horror
The first thing you need to do is ignore any positive review of this film. There is no doubt in my mind that most if not all of these were written by persons connected with the film in some way. This movie is utterly AWFUL!
Now, I cannot deny that Christopher Landon and Scott Lobdell are meekly innovative in unraveling this tale, but this is not enough to save the film. Sure, Happy Death Day will be able to score numerous jumps on people who don't watch horror movies for a living, but how hard is that.
Sorry, I'm not trying to be condescending to anyone. I pride myself on my stolid nature, and I have little in the way of a life. I assume that you do, and it is my hope in writing this that I may prevent your wasting time and money in the name of Happy Death Day. You see, I'm much like many of you. I slave day in and day out beneath the yoke of mundane tasks simply so that I can continue to do so. When the week ends, I need the escape that the cinema often provides. When the escape is inadequate, I take it personally. In the case of Happy Death Day, I found myself wanting to escape the very showing of the film itself. Sure, I could have left, counted my loss and been a better man for it, but I persisted. Why? I did it for you. In theory, I wasted my time so you will not. Please, do not render my sacrifice vain. If you must see something, theaters usually boast many options. I guarantee that Happy Death Day is the worst option that exists at the present time, at least in my town.
Happy Death Day is peppered with characters that do naught but remind me of people I hated in college, or, at least, ½ dimensional cardboard cutouts of those people. Jessica Rothe's protagonist, Tree, is thoroughly unlikeable from beginning to end, even after she undergoes her Hallmark-esque epiphany. I hope I didn't spoil the obvious. In any case, Rothe's performance is utterly forgettable, and, in my opinion, Landon could probably have replaced her with any mildly attractive barista in the region and achieved the same result if not better. Not only did I want to strangle Tree every time she opened her mouth, but I also wanted to strangle myself for buying the seat.
Perhaps you wonder why I did not go into specifics. There really are no specifics, it's just bad, there was nothing good. It's a roller coaster ride, but not a good one; it was like one of those traveling midway coasters that give you whiplash and have you fearing for your life. I was waiting for Scooby, Shaggy and the gang to pull up in the Mystery Machine and help Tree discover who's killing her. THAT would have made for a better film. Plus, if you are intent on seeing it, who am I to spoil it.
Lastly, when did a female's bare upper back begin to qualify as partial nudity? Did I miss something? I guess, technically, they're not lying, bare skin is nude skin, but, for those of you who might have been hoping for something more pulse inducing, there's nothing for you on this front either.
Willow Creek (2013)
All of these are the same... this one's worse.
It's nothing you have not seen before. Acting... trash...neither of these hacks... Bobcat included should be allowed near a camera again. This is especially true of that'Gilmore *beep*. Bobcat should be banned from all computers , tablets, and even pens, pencils and paper. He can write with crayons and Crayola markers, that's okay. I cannot forgive this theft of time, even though I hate my life.
Seriously though, put aside my resentful idiocy, and see that this crap is not worth your time. I really am trying to help you; this whole subgenre of horror is filth, and Willow Creek is a queen. Keep away and have a nice day.
The Shannara Chronicles (2016)
Another excursion in misandry from Hollywood's tarnished finery.
The writing in this is unforgivable. Never mind that it doesn't necessarily follow the book, that's not it. I felt like I was watching a WB or Nickelodeon production. Not only was the dialogue unbearable, but the characters were so monolithic and less than one-dimensional. Yeah, we've only seen two episodes, but I found myself with no questions, except this glaring one, "Why did these writers get any money?"
I cannot help but be bothered by the profound bias toward female characters. This is worse than 'Star Wars.' Allanon and Ander are arguably the only strong male characters both of whom are portrayed as profound d*@ks. Lorin is a weakling and Wil is an dunce. "We have a female captain of the guard, perhaps it is time we have a female Chosen." Really? Can you be more blunt about your agenda? There is absolutely no subtlety here. Wait, I mean, I could be wrong, but in the novel, I do not believe there was any gender-based exclusion when it comes to group of 'Chosen.' The character of Commander Tilton was created, she is not in the books, while Crispin Edensong, who cuts a solid figure in the books, I wager will be diminished as he will only appear in three episodes and is portrayed by an actor with a limited repertoire. This is what you get when you allow April Blair, one of the producers, into the writing fray. Her farcical list of writing credits include such flippant, feminine nonsense as 'Monte Carlo' and 'Hart of Dixie.' This is laughable.
Amberle's and Eretrea's characters were totally rewritten and NOT for the better. In the book, Amberle is a very vulnerable character, while Eretrea is more an alluring, but good-hearted than a rogue bad@$$ unparalleled in humiliating men, physically and emotionally.
I was eager to watch this show because I liked the books and typically go in for this type of project, but this is damn near unwatchable even if I set my biases aside and get to the objective roots of production, but since I hate myself enough for all of you, I will probably continue to watch and b*t@#.
Do not even mention this foul concoction in the same breath as 'Game of Thrones.' GOT is Metallica, Shanarra is NSYNC. GOT is Jack and Coke... Shanarra is Faygo Red Pop (not even good for Faygo). Still, this is all just my opinion, and if that makes me a 'bozo,' well then I will embrace that title. Watch the show if you want. Like the show if you want, but if it continues as such, it will fail and fail hard. Then again, 'Teen Wolf' made it this far, so maybe there's hope.
You Will Love Me (2013)
Unwatchable... GOD AWFUL!!!
Don't pay attention to any review that paints this catastrophe on film in a positive light... these were mostly likely written by one of the morons involved in its production. It boasts horrid acting, horrid cinematography, and horrid writing with barely any creativity. The best part of this... I won't even call it a film... fodder-ridden, straw-stuffed horse **nt is the title sequence, which kept me in the movie for five minutes before the pervert in me found the FFWD button to see if this $#!t fest had any redeeming value in the form of nudity... big surprise there... NONE! *yawn* The acting is laughable as is the contrived nature of the story, but not enough to warrant you or anyone on earth watching it. Your time is more valuable than that even if mine isn't... trust me on this if on nothing else. God, we should just outlaw low budget horror distribution and work on getting every horror film from the 80's digitally remastered and redistributed... I've had enough of crap like "The Poltergeist of Borley Forest" sitting on shelves in the fleeting number rental shops in America. Do they even know what a poltergeist is? It's evident through the movie that they do not. Did they figure they covered their tracks by having the ghost throw Paige's ridiculous paintings all over the room and randomly rearrange flowers? I'm sure that d-bag professor who turns into a cartoon just before he's dismembered comes up with some half-cocked explanation in that scene I watched on >> x8. Stupidity begets stupidity, and I suppose I am proof of this.
Charles Dance... for what purpose did you sign on for this trash?
Charles Dance provides his typical more than adequate performance; however, everyone else involved (except maybe the writer) is clearly an amateur. I was not scared at all, nor was I really ever nervous or intrigued. The writing was... eh... competent at best, but the plot had the intensity and pace of a talking statue. Sharni Vinson has been a joke any time she steps in front of a camera, come to think of it, none of the cast, other than Mr. Dance, should have been paid, like at all. The performances were not a surprise, making them consistent with the plot. Avoid... avoid... AVOID!!! Unless you're into reliving the trauma of a bad cinematic experience, or enjoy seeing a man's naked @$$... twice. I guess I must be into the former, definitely not the latter, but that's just me.
Fear No Evil (1981)
Not as bad as all that... Decent horror flick with a few common flaws.
As far as horror movies go, this one is above average (definitely not warranting less than four). Yeah, there were some drawbacks. Some scenes were a bit drawn out and others were completely irrelevant. What was up with that homoerotic male shower? That was over the top and pretty much as gratuitous as most female shower scenes. Lucifer's character shows flashes, but never really seems inherently evil as you would think. It's clear that he knows who he is from the start, but the role is written as if he's going through the puberty of devilhood. If Julie/Gabriel had been required to be nude, I would have given this a 10. Sadly, her clothes stayed on. The gym teacher overacts with a hilarity of epic proportions.
Not as bad as some of its big budget counterparts.
As far as fantasy movies go, it is far from the worst you will ever see. This movie did absolutely all it could with the budget that was allotted to it. A boring Sunday afternoon saw me watch both D&D and D&D:WotDG. I did not feel led to review the first, though I found it more or less enjoyable, but not without exasperation at its flaws (namely the PS1 quality dragons). That being said, it is next to impossible to create a true fantasy movie without a extensive financial backing. The budget for this movie was approximately 15M, while the budget for D&D (2000) was around 45M. The budget for Return of the King (2003) was roughly 94M. True enough, D&D is no LOR, but it is intriguing to think what either of these movies could have been with such a budget, especially when I found WotDG much better than Eragon (100M) and Clash of the Titans (125M). While Eragon was impudently mishandled in all facets save costume and design, CotT's visual effects, choreography and production design are its strengths, while those are the utter weaknesses of both D&D movies, directly a product of a vastly inferior budget. At the same time, the CotT's script and storyline is powerfully abhorrent, while WotDG is fairly strong in those respects, at least in my opinion.
You could do much worse than this.
Private Resort (1985)
All the slapstick had me rolling as did the deadpan acting. Pure cheese with a lot of eye candy for guys and gals (including Depp's naked rear... which did nothing for me, but ladies probably will enjoy). Depp had more of a supporting role in this. The scenarios were funny and moved well from one to the next, but they probably only did one take for everything because each scene was contrived and poor in execution. The dialog is horrendously bad, poorly written. This movie literally had me laughing much more often than most recent films. The wannabe Sean Penn was annoying as was the grandmother. To me, the Barber and Reeves are the funniest characters; their brawl in the elevator was so absurd... God, I think this needs to be out there, this movie should be watched, which is why I am wasting these two last lines simply to comprise the required ten. Hope it helps. If not, screw you. Haha.
Refreshing... but a little sour.
A lot of questions can be raised by this film; they all have the same answer... no reason. Why does the girl leave her motel room door open while taking a shower with the door open behind a sheer curtain? No reason. Why is the tire's shower curtain not opaque? No reason. This movie puts a disclaimer on the violation of any conventions, does what it wants and knows what it is from the beginning, daring anyone to question it. So, what else can we say about it? It is the pot calling itself black. Believe me, as you browse the shelves at Family Video or the online archives, you could do much worse that 'Rubber' (and I have... numerous times). In the end though, there's no real redeeming value. So why watch it? Still, no reason.
Boggy Creek (2010)
Why do I do this to myself? *SPOILERS*
If a construction went into a project with no plan, paid no attention to detail, worked without any clear-cut responsibility or leadership and just kind of decided to throw a bunch of bricks and mortar together in order to see what would happen; we would be left with the architectural equivalent of 'Boggy Creek.' It seemed to me that 9/10ths of the movie was spent on fluff attempting to build up to a climax that never happened. The storyline would have a hard time standing against the most generically idiotic stories written with 12-year- olds in mind. This was like a spooky episode of the OC. The word of the day is contrived - contrived emotions, contrived dialog, contrived situations, contrived shots, contrived character archetypes, contrived death. I'm not upset, there have been many movies worse than this, made with worse actors. The pacing, incomplete plot and one of the worst scripts ever imagined are to blame in this case. The camera-work was not too bad, the make-up and effects were plausible, the girls were pretty, though I almost think they told the black guy to improvise or perhaps his character was just meant to behave like the most stereotypical Hollister-sporting black guy ever. There was one surprise though, the male "eye-candy" didn't turn out to be as big a moron as we're led to believe. Nevertheless, it wasn't enough to save him in the end. So, it's the mysterious backwood version of Seth Rogen to save the day (yawn). I didn't even make it that far. I woke up and the blonde girl was screaming... fade to black and cue credits. I didn't bother going back to see.
The Ward (2010)
Just a step above 'awful'... Please don't see it... PLEASE!
I'm begging you not to see this movie. It makes 'Gothica' look like 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest'. See Gothica again. It just takes pieces of other successful to semi-successful movies of this ilk and copies them. Whole-heartedly unoriginal and a very lame attempt to capitalize on his own name using "Vintage Carpenter" as a marketing ploy, which is what? Halloween? The Thing? Seriously, the only thing of his that I've enjoyed since 'The Thing' is 'Masters of Horror: Cigarette Burns.' I won't tell you anything about 'The Ward' other than it is unoriginal; I don't want to ruin it if you're excited about it. However, I am begging you to save the money and the time that Carpenter would have you waste on his latest project. He's probably j*****g off to the mental images of Heard and Co. in the shower, which he didn't show on screen... may have helped the cause, Johnny.
Fertile Ground (2011)
Boring, unoriginal... an all out waste of time.
I'll start by saying, this has all the makings of a decent movie, namely acting and production value. Nevertheless, it fails on every other level, horror, suspense, artistic... whatever. It's not scary at all. The characters are dull and one dimensional, the story is uninteresting. I was so bored during the stupid thing. All these After Dark horror movies are the same. Still better than Fangoria Frightfest (which all are GOD AWFUL). Give me Piranha 3D over this tripe. At least stuff happens in that movie, and I only waste 83 minutes or whatever. If you have insomnia, rent this movie. It will get you to sleep, trust me. It got me to sleep three times. I finally finished it on the fourth. Oh, and the woman's voice will drive you nuts.
Damned by Dawn (2009)
Not bad to begin with, it was set up well, the acting was good, the atmosphere was foreboding and the visuals throughout the film are realistic and scary; however, once things start going awry in the storyline (when the ghouls show up), they begin to go wrong in production. The story seems to be truncated, and the scope of human emotions disappears. I have never understood how one could watch a loved one be slaughtered in front of his or her eyes and all he or she cares about is retrieving the damned ammunition. Not even when the drive of survival lapses and things slow down are any tears shed. Also, I have major qualms with movies where the person responsible for initiating the dire situation in the first place is the only one to survive it a la Jessica Biel in 'The Texas Chainsaw' remake. These 'stupid kids' will never learn anything this way. I leave you with this... 1st 40 min. 9/10.... 2nd 40 min. -1/10 Yep, it's one of those.
Dark House (2009)
I didn't hate this, but it sucked.
It was a nice idea, and the little twist at the end was a nice touch. However, I could not get past how morosely less than even one-dimensional the characters were, and how laughably rote, non-creative and cliché-ridden the dialogue was during this movie.
The bare outline of the story is intriguing, but the script really was terrible. The acting was either waaaaaaay overdone or shifted from being overdone to underdone and back again. Now, I can forgive such things if the proper atmosphere, suspense and effects are plausibly included. This was not the case with 'Dark House'. I am of the old school, and would rather see authentic make-up and gore effects. I cannot stand CGI effects that look worse than a Playstation 1 game. To this film's credit, it does mix both; however, the absurd CGI effects detracted from this film big-time in my mind.
Skip this one, it isn't so bad it's funny, the death and gore is very average, the 'brief nudity' (if that's your bag) is CGI, and the 'Dark House' looks just like a normal suburban house. It's not what it claims to be or what you think it might be. It's nothing special.
It gets a 4 because it was semi-professional. The storyline was grossly overblown and the characters were powerfully overdrawn to create an effect similar that which occurs when one attempts to smoke oregano in place of marijuana. The writer brings to life some of the dumbest situations imaginable in what can only be construed as a desperate attempt at originality. I can't stand it. Not to mention, the perfect opportunity for a female locker room scene, instead we get a dude's naked arse in the locker room. Be equal, that's all I ask, one for one or none for none, not none for one...that's f*ed up. Chest for breast, arse for arse... only way that's fair... or nothing for nothing. This movie should be thrown into Hell.