Hillary Clinton: Chris, here is the truth. Donald said he was going to be tough on Mexico, but when he met with the President, he choked.
Donald Trump: Wrong. Trademarked.
Chris Wallace: Good evening, I'm Chris Wallace, and welcome to the third and final Presidential debate. Tonight is going to be a lot like the third Lord of the Rings movie. You don't really want to watch, but, hey, you've come this far.
Man: Ok, yeah, yeah, and David Pumpkins is?
David Pumpkins: His own thing!
Woman: And the skeletons are...?
Darnell Hayes: [From category "They out here sayin'"] They out here sayin', the new iPhone wants for fingerprint, "for your protection.
[Doug buzzes in, surprising the host]
Darnell Hayes: Oh, ok then, Doug.
Doug: What is, I-I, I don't think so, that's how they get ya.
Darnell Hayes: Yes! Yes! That's it!
Keeley: Yes, I don't trust that!
Shanice: Me neither.
Doug: No, I read that goes straight to the government.
Darnell Hayes: Well, that is not bad Doug!
Darnell Hayes: Doug, I don't know what's going on, but the board is yours.
Doug: Well thank you so much, Darnell. You people are fun. Can I say that? Is that ok? Can I say that?
Darnell Hayes: We'll give you a pass this time.
Doug: Okay, let's go to... Big Girls for $200.
Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer there: Skinny women can do this for you. Doug?
Doug: What is, not a damn thing?
Darnell Hayes: Yeah, you damn right! You damn right! heh heh.
Doug: Yeah, cause, you know, my wife, my wife, she's a, she's a sturdy gal.
Shanice: [High-fives Doug!] That's my man right there!
Darnell Hayes: They out here saying that every vote counts. Oh, Doug again!
Doug: What is, come on, they already decided who wins, even before it happens.
Darnell Hayes: Yes! Yes! Yes! The Illuminati figured that out months ago! That's another one for Doug!
Darnell Hayes: The mechanic says you owe $250 for new brake lines. Doug?
Doug: What is, you better go to that dude in my neighborhood who'll fix anything for $40.
Darnell Hayes: Why, why, you know Cecil?
Doug: Yeah, but my Cecil's name is Jimmy. And he fixed my refrigerator, my air conditioner and my cat.
Darnell Hayes: Yeah, yeah, everybody's got a guy. Woo, you all right, Doug!