Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have to. Hey, kids! You like cat videos?
[kids are heard cheering]
Nostalgia Critic: You like dog videos?
[kids cheer again]
Nostalgia Critic: [holds up a "Cats & Dogs" DVD] You wanna see a movie about them?
Nostalgia Critic: Well, too bad, that's what we got!
[places the DVD really close to the camera]
Nostalgia Critic: EAT IT, EAT IT!
[in the movie, a dog gets abducted by a bunch of cats; the next scene shows a newspaper whose headline reads that the dog was "catnapped"]
Nostalgia Critic: Uh, shouldn't that be "dognapped"? If you're kidnapped, you're not held hostage by a kid. Unless it's this kid.
[shows an image of a toddler wielding a shotgun]
Nostalgia Critic: But I'm never taking that babysitting job again.
Nostalgia Critic: [as Sam the sheepdog pants heavily] I hope that was just panting.
[Sam pants again]
Nostalgia Critic: Don't play that again.
[Sam continues to pant]
Nostalgia Critic: I don't need to think about him touching his Kibble and Bits. All right, screw it, I'm just gonna close my eyes and think of more pleasant things.
[he closes his eyes and tries to think of something pleasant; he sees an image of Catherine Zeta-Jones]
Nostalgia Critic: Ah, that's much...
[Suddenly, Zeta-Jones' face gets pasted onto a still-panting heavily Sam, scaring the Critic]
Nostalgia Critic: Great! You forced me to combine the two! Actually, I might've started a brand new fetish.
Nostalgia Critic: [about Mr. Tinkles] This is the best character in the movie. Not because he's written the best or performed the best, but because most of the time, he's completely animated, allowing more control over the character. With all the others, it's clear they're just waving treats in front of them, so they always look unfocused, and it's distracting as hell. But this character looks like he's always in the moment because he's animated that way.
Nostalgia Critic: [at the end of the movie] So, what the hell can I say about "Cats and Dogs"? It's from the same director as "Son of the Mask". That explains a lot, doesn't it?
Nostalgia Critic: You know, do we really need a reason for cats and dogs to hate each other? We kind of just get it. Everybody knows what'll happen if that wasn't the case.
Peter Venkman: Dogs and cats living together: mass hysteria!
Nostalgia Critic: [in the film, Sam accepts responsibility for farting] Well, I'll give him this. For a film of this stature, that was a long time to wait for their inevitable fart joke. What is that, like, twenty minutes? In fart joke years, that's like an eternity.
Nostalgia Critic: Why wasn't this an animated film? With all the CG used in this, it actually would've been a pretty good CGI film, with fewer limitations. Instead, we just have uninvested animals looking like uninvested animals, just with little talking mouths put over them. Why would anybody watch anything with a character they know wasn't really in the moment?
Nostalgia Critic: [about Jeff Goldblum's character] He plays a scientist who's trying to find a cure for dog allergies.
[the movie shows the door to Goldblum's character's laboratory]
Nostalgia Critic: Though, by his cartoony door, you'd swear he was trying to figure out how to blow up anyone who came towards Scrooge McDuck's money bin.
Nostalgia Critic: [singing in imitation the stereotyped ninja cats] We are racist-ese if you prease...
Nostalgia Critic: Ever see that movie that looks really stupid, but then are shocked when it turns out to be a surprisingly good film? Well, this is one of those bad-looking films you'd think might be a surprisingly good film, resulting in a surprisingly bad film. The idea for this is right out of a Warner Bros. cartoon; it can be pretty funny and imaginative. But instead, you're left wondering which category to put it in: "Kitty Litter" or "Pooper Scooper".
Nostalgia Critic: Let's find out the truth about cats and dogs...
[stops abruptly when realizing what he is saying, then brings up a poster for "The Truth About Cats and Dogs"]
Nostalgia Critic: One of you must be a Janeane Garofalo rom-com fan! TELL ME I'M NOT ALONE! This is "Cats and Dogs".
Nostalgia Critic: Fun fact: this was actually supposed to be a crossover between crappy CGI Garfield and crappy CGI Marmaduke, until they realized, "No."
Nostalgia Critic: We cut to a woman setting a pie on the window sill in her '50s style dress with a bow in her apron... Because somebody somewhere thinks somebody somewhere still does that... when the cat and dog land on her.
[the cat lands on the woman first, with the woman making a shocked face with a gasp before the impact]
Nostalgia Critic: Now her reaction to the cat landing on her is fine, but look at her face when the dog lands on her.
[the dog comes in and lands on her, with the woman making a blank, shocked face before the impact]
Nostalgia Critic: What the hell kind of face is that? Comedic expressions are supposed to get bigger as more stuff happens, not scale down. How do you even duplicate that face?
[Comedic music plays as the Critic attempts to duplicate the woman's reaction; it goes on for a bit, before the Critic gives up]
Nostalgia Critic: What direction do you give to get a face like that?
Nostalgia Critic: All right, I want you to act like you just discovered you lost your first-born child, but you found out while shoving the world's greatest vibrator in you.
[the woman's expression is shown again, with a vibrator sound effect]
Nostalgia Critic: Specific, but... confusing.
[in the movie, Butch is voiced by Alec Baldwin]
Nostalgia Critic: Ideal casting having Alec Baldwin play a bitch.
[suddenly, a whistle is heard blowing, while a yellow card is thrown at him and the audience yells in anger]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, come on! Come on!
[a referee steps up]
Referee: Flag. Doing a review, too easy a joke. Replay last line. Critic has to say something nice about the movie.
[the referee leaves, leaving a frustrated Critic to think about what to do]
Commentator #1: Man, this is a real tough break for the Critic.
Commentator #2: Uh, I hear you, Frank. But if you look at the replay, he clearly took too obvious a stab at an easily unlikable actor.
Commentator #1: Right you are, Ken.
Commentator #2: Oh, it looks like he's going to try and say something positive about the film.
Nostalgia Critic: At least it's not "Santa Paws"?
[the referee returns with his arms raised in the air]
Commentator #1: And it is good! It works! The review can continue!