Chanel Oberlin: When you agree with me, it makes me question whether I actually agree with me.
Chad Radwell: You WILL get murdered, Pete Martinez! Murdered to death.
[Chad Radwell is admitted into the E.R. with a Lego figure in his rectum]
Chanel #3: The nurse said he told her he usually does his nightly nude yoga before he sets a perimeter of Lego characters to guard his bed while he sleeps, but this time he decided to do it after and accidentally sat on Lego Captain Jack Sparrow.
Chanel Oberlin: That's the weirdest explanation for anything I've ever heard.
Chanel Oberlin: Black Friday is about buying deliberately cheap, totally forgettable Christmas gifts for friends. The obvious cheapness of the gift makes them question our friendship and makes them way easier to manipulate as they try desperately to get back on my good side.
Chanel Oberlin: Dean Munsch has been orchestrating every one of these attacks. Melanie Dorkus, Deaf Taylor Swift...
Hester Ulrich: That other security guard.
Chanel Oberlin: Predatory Lez.
Chanel #5: Roger and Dodger.
Chanel Oberlin: Chad's irritating armless friend, candle vlogger, black British guy...
Grace Gardner: Gigi.
Chanel #3: Coney, that ice cream cone.
Chanel Oberlin: White trash Mandy Greenwell, Miss Bean...
Zayday Williams: Hold on, you killed Ms. Bean.
Chanel Oberlin: I didn't turn on the deep-fryer, bitch!
Hester Ulrich: Maybe she has some magical powers that make her unable to die like some horror movie villain. Like Michael Meyers or Jason or Dr. Giggles.
Wes Gardner: My girlfriend was murdered! The killer cut her head off and tried to serve it to us for Thanksgiving.
Detective Chisolm: Sounds awful... but I'd keep that to yourself. Pretty much always, the boyfriend's the prime suspect.
Wes Gardner: Oh. Well, I was about to break up with her. I mean, she was drivin' me nuts!
Pete Martinez: You're not really helpin' yourself.
[the killer put Gigi's head on a platter during Thanksgiving dinner]
Zayday Williams: At first I was like, "What a weird turkey," and then it clicked. Like, "Damn, that's a head!"
Dean Cathy Munsch: Yeah, I know, I know. It's very,very upsetting.
Zayday Williams: But then I noticed the smell. And I'm like, "Gigi's roast head actually smells kinda delicious!"
Chanel Oberlin: Gotta run or we'll be late for the midnight hippo stampede at Walmart.
Chanel Oberlin: Now if you'll excuse us, we're going to the mall to exercise our patriotic right to join hundreds of thousands of our fellow, out of breath Americans in sweatpants as they make frenzied, ill thought out purchases of cheap, crappy garbage they can't afford and don't need. To deny us of that right would be unAmerican.
Chanel Oberlin: Should I get Number Five a pair of 99¢ brass studs that'll turn her earlobes green and give her an infection or a pair of $1.99 danglies that'll get caught in her sweater and tear her earholes?
Pete Martinez: Sometimes I kinda side with the Red Devil. I mean, he's cleaning all the mess and filth of this place in a way no dean or exposé ever could.
Wes Gardner: When I was your age, I was thoughtless about sex - so thoughtless that I fathered twins with a girl whose name I can't remember and those twins grew up to murder a bunch of people. Now I know that that might seem like an extreme consequence of teen sex but the lesson remains the same. Honey, if you don't think you're ready, you probably aren't, and if you aren't, well then no good can come from doin' it anyway.
Chad Radwell: Were you and Boone secret gay lovers? Did you ever do it in my bed? Because if you did, we're about to get real.
Pete Martinez: No, we were not lovers!
Chad Radwell: You do not bequeath a shoebox full of lube to an acquaintance, Pete Martinez!
Grace Gardner: I just wanted to see how you were doing. I would guess it's probably pretty traumatizing to be served your girlfriend's head for Thanksgiving dinner.
Chanel #5: I saw this documentary once about this high schooler who could grow all this really thick hair all over his body if he concentrated really, really hard on it, and maybe Dean Munsch can do that too. I mean, this kid was, like, amazing! Like, he won this high school basketball championship single-handed...
Chanel Oberlin: You're thinking of the movie Teen Wolf, you brainless gash, which is not, in fact, a documentary!
Chanel #5: Oh my God! The mall is deserted. We've been shopping for, like, ever with no liquids or cotton balls.
Chanel Oberlin: Try not to murder anyone else while we're gone, Dean Carpet Munsch.
Chanel Oberlin: Let me say how honored we are that you've invited us into your hideously furnished home.
Pete Martinez: Even if Dean Munsch is the Red Devil and you kill her, then she may lose but this house wins - the worst parts of this house, the parts you have been fighting so hard to get rid of. And if you kill her, you will become those parts, and that... would break my heart.
Chanel Oberlin: So clearly it's impossible to poison Dean Munsch because she has some weird buzzard gullet that can safely digest anything! We need to think of new ways to kill her!
Grace Gardner: No. I'm not doing this.
Chanel Oberlin: What? Two hours ago, you were like, "Let's poison the bitch!"
Grace Gardner: Well, I had a change of heart. Look, I still think she's most likely the killer but all the evidence against her is circumstantial. We still don't have a smoking gun and if we decide to kill her without an overabundance of proof, we are no better than the Red Devil... who, yes, is probably Dean Munsch.
Zayday Williams: I hate to say it, but killing Dean Munsch is the right thing to do.
Wes Gardner: Wow, these are those moments that I wish your mom was still alive. I mean, not your actual mom. She would've told you to fake being pregnant and then had him give you money for fake morning-after pills and then sleep with his friends to make him jealous.
Chad Radwell: I think it really chapped your hide, not becoming a Dickie Dollar Scholar that day. I think it chapped your hide so much that you started stalking my sorta-hot, sorta-girlfriend Chanel for a full year. Well, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. You stalkin' the chick I was tappin' - even though I was tappin' a ton of other chicks too - that really chapped my hide.
Chad Radwell: I'm inviting you to join the Dickie Dollar Scholars.
Pete Martinez: What?
Chad Radwell: Any secret friend and possible gay lover of Boone is a friend of mine.
Hester Ulrich: Since we spent so much time and money picking out the perfect Chanel classic flap jumper crocodile purse for you...
Chanel Oberlin: Whoa, whoa, whoa! You dumb bitches got me - Chanel - a Chanel classic flap crocodile purse? That is bizarre! I mean, that's like bringing pineapples to Hawaii.
Chanel Oberlin: I'm buying us all matching pink jeeps!
Chanel #5: Wait, what?
Chanel Oberlin: Yes, it's gonna be so fun! We can take our matching pink jeeps on, like, an African safari or something.
Hester Ulrich: How do we know that they're gonna have four identical pink jeeps?
Chanel #5: Yeah, and how are we gonna get the jeeps to Africa? I mean, are we gonna ship them or are we gonna take a ferry?
Chanel Oberlin: I don't know, #5, okay? Stop poking holes in the pink jeep idea, please, and just accept the fact that I'm buying you all pink jeeps!
Chanel Oberlin: Oh, go on and shoot me, hag! It'll just make me young and skinny forever, and you'll still be old!