Ben Singer: Wizard


  • Wizard : Every generation has idolized a sci-fi hero.

    Boomstick : Like Luke Skywalker, legacy of the Jedi...

    Wizard : And Harry Potter, the boy who lived.

  • Wizard : As the orphaned son of Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker carries the blood of the most powerful Sith Lord ever known. He was raised by his aunt and uncle, who kept him safe by disguising his true powers before being taught by a wise old mentor in the ways of the Force.

    Boomstick : Luke's weapon of choice is the lightsaber, a combination of my two favorite killing tools: swords and lasers.

    Wizard : Despite having little formal training, Luke advanced in lightsaber combat much faster than any other Jedi.

    Boomstick : He even took down a freakin' TIE fighter with it, only a month after he blew up the Death Star. What a badass!

  • Wizard : As an orphan, Harry Potter carries the talents of the most powerful dark wizard ever known: Lord Voldemort. He was raised by his aunt and uncle, who kept him safe by disguising his true power before being taught by a wise old mentor in the ways of magic.

    Boomstick : Now why does that sound familiar?

    Wizard : Harry wields an 11" phoenix core holly wand. He has learned many spells and is exceptionally skilled in charms.

    Boomstick : His trademark attack is the disarming charm, Expelleraptamus... or whatever.

    Wizard : Expelliarmus.

    Boomstick : Which can either knock a weapon away or throw the opponent through the air.

    Wizard : The Confundus charm temporarily confuses the target, Stupefy stuns people, and the shield charm protects Harry from all attacks.

    Boomstick : And he can summon anything he wants to him with Accio.

    [clears throat] 

    Boomstick : Accio money! Accio loose women! Damn!

  • Wizard : [about Harry]  His Firebolt is a racing broom that can reach 150 miles per hour in less than ten seconds.

    Boomstick : That's even faster than Wiz getting shot down by a woman!

    Wizard : Right! Wait, no!

  • Wizard : Luke is a master of Form V - Djiem So, an aggressive combat stance with defensive postures, specializing in both perseverance and pressuring an opponent.

    Boomstick : Despite what you might think, the lightsaber isn't just for killing; it also works pretty damn well for defense.

    Wizard : Even so, Luke's most instrumental tool is his unrivaled connection to the Force. He can apply it in three aspects: Control, Sense, and Alter; controlling all aspects of the body, sensing and utilizing his surroundings, and altering the environment.

    Boomstick : Like the mind trick thingy! Oh man, the terrible things I would do with that.

    Wizard : When injured or exhausted, he can push his physical limits with the Force Body ability, and use flash burn to neglect pain until he can mend his wounds with force heal.

    Boomstick : Also, Luke uses the Force to move things with his mind, with almost no limits!

    Wizard : Finally, Luke can use Shatterpoint to identify any possible weakness or fracture in a subject. Add just a little pressure with the Force...

    Boomstick : And BOOM! They explode faster than a Firestone tire!

  • Wizard : Harry is also experienced in curses. He destroys objects with Reducto, slashes enemies with Sectumsempra, and controls minds with Imperius.

    Boomstick : And then there's the Killing Curse... abracadabra.

    Wizard : Avada Kedavra.

    Boomstick : Oh. That magician wasn't trying to kill me. I guess I should probably go apologize to his family.

    Wizard : While Harry's never used the Killing Curse, it is implied that he can. It is an instant kill and unblockable.

    Boomstick : Unless it hits a wall... or a sword... or anything, really.

    Wizard : Almost all magic requires a line of sight and eye contact to perform. The Killing Curse is no exception.

  • Wizard : Luke has defeated a wide variety of foes, ranging from stormtroopers to deadly Sith Lords, one of which Luke had to construct a second lightsaber to beat.

    Boomstick : His shorter red shoto saber was made to counter the Sith Lumious' lightwhip, and it worked pretty damn well.

    Wizard : He still carries it, though prefers a single blade over two-handed combat.

    Boomstick : Ha-ha... penis joke.

  • Boomstick : Harry also knows appara... teleporting, and can do it without a wand.

    Wizard : His training in Occlumency defends his mind from any sort of mental attack or illusion.

    Boomstick : And he's got all sorts of other spells, but I seriously doubt the tickle charm's gonna help him much in the fight, so let's move on.

    Wizard : Harry owns the Cloak of Invisibility, an unrelenting Deathly Hallow that hides the wearer from sight and cannot be detected.

    Boomstick : Unless he makes a noise or pokes his foot out.

  • Boomstick : Luke doesn't have an obvious weakness, aside from some pretty serious daddy issues. He doesn't carry a blaster, but unlike other stupid Jedi, he isn't afraid to use one.

    Wizard : While Luke is no fan of violence, he certainly will not pull any punches.

  • Wizard : Harry is a quick draw with his wand and has performed many great feats at very young ages. He has also mastered non-verbal spells.

    Boomstick : By the time he was 17, he was beating up way more experienced wizards. In the battle for Hogwarts, he had no problem kicking a ton of Death Eater ass. Not to mention, Lord Voldemort himself.

    Wizard : Afterwards, Harry became head of the Dark Wizard-hunting Auror office, even though he is technically a Hogwarts dropout.

    Boomstick : He never did finish that seventh year, but I guess if you killed the lord of ultimate evil, you get a G.E.D.

  • [Luke has defeated Harry] 

    Boomstick : Man, Harry did a surprisingly good job keeping Luke at a distance.

    Wizard : But Luke fought smart and tried to finish Harry off quickly with Force Persuasion, but Harry was able to resist thanks to occlumency.

    Boomstick : Then Luke used Force Choke to stop Harry from casting spells.

    Wizard : And although Luke can dodge the Avada Kedavra, the instantaneous Sectumsempra curse caught him off-guard. But with Shatterpoint, Luke discovered an exploitable flaw.

    Boomstick : That famous lightning bolt scar, which *forced* Harry to lose the battle.

    Wizard : The winner is Luke Skywalker.

See also

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