Derek Morgan: Is that barbed wire?
Penelope Garcia: Indeed it is, arranged to fit like a noose.
Derek Morgan: How do you wrap that into a noose?
Penelope Garcia: I guess it's the same way that porcupines make love. Very carefully.
Dr. Spencer Reid: Looking at their case histories, both men filed dozens of harassment and nuisance lawsuits against each other, including unfounded claims of burglary and trespassing. Then, in 2011, Matthias Lee filed a civil complaint against Clark Howard "to kiss his ass". Clark Howard responded with a motion to go...
[Looks at the folder, trails off]
Dr. Spencer Reid: You can't actually do that with the male anatomy.
Dr. Spencer Reid: I talked to three farmers with three different strands of barbed wire stolen. None of them saw the thief, but they all swear it was the same person: The Mountain Man!
Alex Blake: Should we have Garcia look into it as a pseudonym?
Dr. Spencer Reid: I think maybe we should hold off on that. The Mountain Man seems to be a confluence of several local legends. Some say he's part of the backwoods Appalachian population, others say he's a confederate holdout trying to start a second civil war to turn brother against brother. But the one thing they all could agree upon is that when you go into a darkened bathroom and you chant "I hate The Mountain Man" three times, he'll pop up behind you and kill you the next time you hear Lynyrd Skynyrd on the radio!
Malachi Lee: Mrs. Jareau...
Jennifer Jareau: Agent Jareau!
Malachi Lee: It's Mrs. Jareau! Unless that ring on your finger is some kind of lesbian thing. I know how you all like to do it up there in D.C.!
Penelope Garcia: Get your barf bags ready, my creatures, because these pictures are even more not pretty than usual!
Cissy Howard: And my words to him were: "Clarke, if you so much as hurt a hair on Matthias Lee's head, I will smite you like Jeroboam!". You don't even know who that is, do you?
Aaron Hotchner: Second King, Old Testament. He followed in succession after King David. God killed his son, his wife and ultimately him
Cissy Howard: So, you got some book learning. Well, good for you! Don't mean you got the sense to catch my boy's killer!
Penelope Garcia: Guys, I'm a little worried I wasted my time being an expert in my field, because this biofuel thing has a massive payout!
Penelope Garcia: Now, going backwards there is nothing particular compelling about either of their graves, but holy cow everything before it is! So, so gather around the campfire my friends because this one is quite the story!