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The Disaster Artist (2017) Poster

Quotes

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[from trailer]

Sandy Schklair: Action!

[Wiseau enters the scene]

Tommy Wiseau: I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit! I did not hit her. I did not.

[throws water bottle on the ground]

Tommy Wiseau: Oh, hi Mark.

[pause, then the crew applauds before Greg hugs Wiseau]

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Tommy Wiseau: [Practicing his lines] 'Oh, hi Mark... ' 'Oh, hi Mark... ' 'Oh, hi Mark... '

Tommy Wiseau: Oh, hi Greg!

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Mrs. Sestero: How old are you?

Tommy Wiseau: Don't worry, I'm Greg age.

Mrs. Sestero: You're 19?

[Tommy shrugs]

Mrs. Sestero: [Sarcastic] Yeah. I just turned 14.

Tommy Wiseau: [Not knowing it's sarcastic] Wow, happy birthday!

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Philip: Hey, Tommy, how old is Denny supposed to be?

Tommy Wiseau: He your age. 15-16 years old boy.

Philip: Uh... I'm 26

Tommy Wiseau: [pauses] Same thing.

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[from trailer]

Sandy Schklair: Why is he having sex with her bellybutton? He knows where her vagina is, right?

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Judd Apatow: Just because you want it doesn't mean it can happen.

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Greg Sestero: Tommy, dude, this really isn't necessary.

Tommy Wiseau: No, no! Very necessary. I need to show my ass to sell this picture.

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Greg Sestero: You are a fucking villain, you fucking Frankenstein-looking motherfucker!

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[from trailer]

Greg SesteroSandy Schklair: I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit. I did not hit her. I did not. Oh, hi Mark.

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[from trailer]

Sandy Schklair: Take 67, Action!

[Wiseau enters the scene]

Tommy Wiseau: I hit her!

Sandy Schklair: No! Do you want to change the line?

Greg Sestero: You're doing great, man. We'll get there!

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[from trailer]

Sandy Schklair: Ready, and, Action!

[Wiseau opens the rooftop door and steps into the scene. He pauses for several seconds]

Tommy Wiseau: What line? What is the line?

Sandy Schklair: I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit. I did not hit her. I did not. Oh, hi Mark.

Tommy Wiseau: Okay.

[Wiseau returns to the rooftop exit]

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Tommy Wiseau: Los Angeles, everybody want to be star. All the pretty boys. They're lining up for the big shot.

Greg Sestero: Just uh, just have to get lucky, I guess.

Tommy Wiseau: No. No. It's not luck, Greg. Greg, you have to be the best. You have to be the best you can be. And never give up.

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[from trailer]

Sandy Schklair: Action!

[Wiseau enters the scene. He pauses, forgetting his lines again]

Tommy Wiseau: What is line?

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[as Johnny kills himself in "The Room"]

Dan Janjigian: Do it!

JulietteRobyn Paris: Do it! Do it!

The Whole Audience: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

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Greg Sestero: I wish we could just make our own movie.

Tommy Wiseau: That great idea.

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Greg Sestero: [to Carolyn, after she fainted on the set] Can I ask you something?Why do you do it? You've got a husband, grand-kids. You live fifty miles out of town. And you're waking up at 5, driving all this way, for what?

Carolyn Minnott: We're actors, Greg. For you, me, people like us, even the worst day on a movie set is better than the best day doing anything else.

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[Tommy orders Juliette off the set for make-up after seeing a pimple on her shoulder]

Greg Sestero: W-what are you doing? Why are you acting like this?

Tommy Wiseau: I make American movie. She needs to look sexy. Beautiful!

[Greg grabs Tommy off the set]

Greg Sestero: Come here. Fuck, man.

Tommy Wiseau: I know I'm hard on her.

Greg Sestero: Yeah, you're hard, but it's not just that. What's going on with you?

Tommy Wiseau: Stanley Kubrick, he nice to actors? Alfred Hitchcock? Let me tell you something, Greg. He do this movie, Birds.

Greg Sestero: Yeah, I'm aware of The Birds.

Tommy Wiseau: On this movie, he terrify actors. He locked them in room, he throw, he throw birds at them. Real birds! Nasty stuff. The actors, they crack every day. But this movie win every award. Is Mr. Hitchcock bad man? No. He great director!

Greg Sestero: Yeah, but he was an asshole, and I bet he didn't direct with his fucking dick out.

Tommy Wiseau: Oh, really? Well, maybe we check the record, okay? And you know, for your information, where director come from, dictator. Rest my case.

Greg Sestero: You can't treat them like this! it's not right!

Tommy Wiseau: I treat them how I treat them! If anyone needs to be upset here, it's me, quite frankly.

Greg Sestero: Wait - why?

Tommy Wiseau: I give them job, I give them salary. I already spent five million dollars on this movie, Greg.

Greg Sestero: My God, are you kidding me? Five million dollars...?

Tommy Wiseau: And they are not grateful! Nobody respect my vision! I know what they say, Greg. I hear them. Nobody trust me. Not even you, Greg!

Greg Sestero: That's... what are you...

Tommy Wiseau: Oh, see? You don't even trust me!

[Tommy proceeds to walk back into the set]

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Justin Hammer: Come here, Tommy. Just because you want it doesn't mean it can happen. Okay? It's one in a million, even if you have Brando's talent. It's not going to happen for you, okay? But now you have to go.

Tommy Wiseau: [upset] But, maybe I... maybe.

Justin Hammer: I'm not saying "maybe", I'm saying "not in a million years"!

Tommy Wiseau: But after that?

Justin Hammer: And *not* after!

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Juliette: It's still going?

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[as Claudette in "The Room"]

Carolyn Minnott: I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.

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Henry: People are very strange these days! Oh, hi Betty.

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[Tommy walks out of the screening of The Room, disappointed that people are laughing at his movie. Greg follows him]

Greg Sestero: Hey, Tommy.

Tommy Wiseau: They hate it.

Greg Sestero: No, no, they're, they're just laughing.

Tommy Wiseau: They're laughing. Laughing at me. Maybe it's true, you know. Maybe everybody right. Maybe, maybe I just big joke, ha, ha.

Greg Sestero: No, Tommy...

Tommy Wiseau: I try to open my heart, show them my soul, and they just hate me. Even you hate me, Greg.

Greg Sestero: Hey, hey, hey. Listen to me, all right? All right, that thing out there, that's your movie. You made that. All right, like you said, you did that all by yourself. You know how special that is?

[Tommy groans]

Greg Sestero: Hey, it's fucking incredible. How many people can say they have done something like that?

Tommy Wiseau: I don't know, one thousand?

Greg Sestero: All right, and yeah. Maybe it didn't turn out exactly as you hoped, but just listen for a second.

Tommy Wiseau: Sound like they're laughing.

Greg Sestero: All right, come here.

[Tommy and Greg return to the theatre, to see the audience still laughing. We see the scene where Johnny kills himself on screen]

Greg Sestero: Look how much fun they're having. They fucking love it, man! How often do you think Hitchcock got a response like this?

Tommy Wiseau: Never.

Tommy Wiseau: [after Johnny throws the television on screen] Greg, why you help me?

Greg Sestero: 'Cause we're friends.

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Sandy Schklair: [Watching the flower shop scene] Who doesn't recognize that guy?

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Greg Sestero: You're really gonna make this thing?

Tommy Wiseau: No, Greg. We are going to do it. Together.

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Henry: [Post-Credits scene] Hey, how are you doing?

Tommy Wiseau: Fine. Yeah, I'm fine. Why you ask?

Henry: Why are you standing against a wall?

Tommy Wiseau: Look, I just a guy leaning on a wall! No big deal!

Henry: Why you so lonely? Tell me.

Tommy Wiseau: What? I'm just standing here alone. Don't mean I'm lonely.

Henry: You need help, I see it.

Tommy Wiseau: It's not pity party, it's just party.

Henry: You go with me?

Tommy Wiseau: Go where?

Henry: To my house.

Tommy Wiseau: [pause] I'm not going anywhere with you.

Henry: You think you have long hair, you own the world? Is that the idea, huh?

Tommy Wiseau: I stop you. I stop you right there. What is this accent? It sound familiar. You from New Orleans?

Henry: Yeah, so what?

Tommy Wiseau: What part?

Henry: Chalmette.

Tommy Wiseau: I love New Orleans.

Henry: You know where Chalmette?

Tommy Wiseau: Yeah.

Henry: Okay, cool. You want a drink or something?

Tommy Wiseau: No. I'm not thirsty either. I just want to stand here.

Henry: What's your name? Tommy, right?

Tommy Wiseau: Yeah. My name's Tommy, with a capital 'Go away'.

Henry: It's okay! Have a nice one. Okay?

Tommy Wiseau: Okay.

Henry: Okay, bye.

[leaves]

Tommy Wiseau: [confused] 'Kay...

Henry: [sighs] People are very strange these days! Oh, hi Betty.

Tommy Wiseau: My god... Who are these friends Greg has?

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Juliette: [as Tommy is dry-humping her navel while filming the sex scene] I think you're aiming a little bit high.

Tommy Wiseau: I aim where I aim, just do the scene.

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Greg Sestero: We are doing this.

Tommy Wiseau: Tomorrow, this will all be yours, Greg.

Greg Sestero: Ah! We will own you, L.A.!

Tommy Wiseau: Watch out, here we come!

Greg Sestero: You will know our names!

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Philip: [to Greg] Can we ask you something? What's this movie about?

Robyn Paris: I have a theory - it's autobiographical. Someone in his life was a Denny, a kid brother, someone he looked out for. Someone else was a Mark, the better-looking friend he was always jealous of. I'm sure there was a Michelle somewhere, and a Mike.

Juliette: So who was Lisa? Someone who broke his heart, stabbed him the back and ruined his life?

Robyn Paris: Pretty obvious to me - that's the universe.

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Juliette: [horrified; as Tommy is dry-humping the red dress] I wanted to keep that dress.

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Tommy Wiseau: [Throwing newspapers and a trash can in a fit of rage] Everybody betray me!

[Kicks the newspaper stand]

Tommy Wiseau: Ow, my foot.

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[first lines]

Kristen Bell: If you were to ask the five best filmmakers in the world right now to make a movie like this... it... it wouldn't even be in the same universe.

Ike Barinholtz: I was blown away. Like, like three minutes in, I turn to my friend, "This is the fucking greatest movie I've ever seen in my life."

[chuckles]

Adam Scott: It has withstood, like, ten years? And people are still watching a movie and talking about a movie. People aren't doing that about whatever won the Oscar for Best Picture ten years ago.

Kevin Smith: What genius is behind this?

Keegan Michael Key: Tommy wanted to break... Tommy wanted to break barriers in filmmaking.

Lizzy Caplan: I think that he had a very clear vision.

Kevin Smith: He is a figure of mystery where, you know, you do wanna learn more about him.

Danny McBride: Who is this man? Who is this auteur?

Adam Scott: The kind of sheer ambition of it... is... is in-incredible.

J.J. Abrams: The numbers probably prove how unlikely it is that you'll make it.

Adam Scott: If I had a time machine, I wouldn't go do a bunch of stu... uh, stuff you... I would go back and try and get on that set just to watch and feel what it was like 'cause it has to be... unbelievable.

[title is shown]

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Greg Sestero: Tommy, that felt fucking amazing, man!

Tommy Wiseau: There you go, now you're acting, Greg.

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Greg Sestero: It's Bryan fucking Cranston!

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Tommy Wiseau: [after driving around aimlessly] Sorry I'm late, traffic was crazy!

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Amber: What do you do if it turns out really bad? Like... Like, if it turns out terrible. Would you, can you... take it off your IMDb?

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Tommy Wiseau: Don't talk to robo-crab, he's shy.

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Restaurant Manager: [after Tommy is escorted out of the restaurant] I'm sorry, sir. Is everything okay, now?

Justin Hammer: [sarcastic] Yeah, thanks for rushin' over - he made it through two fuckin' acts of Shakespeare!

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Tommy Wiseau: [while auditioning] The rules to the class are simple.

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[Tommy prepares to film his sex scene, and he is walking in the set completely naked]

Tommy Wiseau: Okay, okay, we go.

Greg Sestero: Tommy, Tommy, this is not necessary.

Tommy Wiseau: No. It very necessary. I need to show my ass to sell this movie, okay?

Greg Sestero: That's not true.

Sandy Schklair: At least we have a closed set.

Tommy Wiseau: Not closed set. Open set. Life is not closed set! I want everyone to see!

[points at Greg]

Tommy Wiseau: You, especially.

Greg Sestero: W-what? Why? What?

Tommy Wiseau: Brad Pitt do this in the Legend of the Fall.

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Tommy Wiseau: [Re-enacting the 'You're tearing me apart' scene from Rebel Without a Cause] You're taking me apart!

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Raphael: We gotta get going, okay - we're already four hours behind.

Tommy Wiseau: Okay, well, whose fault that?

Raphael: [pauses, flabbergasted] *Yours.*

Tommy Wiseau: Uh, my fault?

Raphael: You're late *every* goddamn day.

Tommy Wiseau: Alright, that your five cents. I'm fucking director!

Raphael: Exactly!

Tommy Wiseau: Exactly!

Raphael: Exactly!

Tommy Wiseau: Exactly - turn these lights on, right now!

Raphael: If I turn on the lights, it's getting hotter.

Tommy Wiseau: Be professional! Do your job!

Raphael: You do *your* job!

Greg Sestero: Tommy, it's hot enough as is!

Tommy Wiseau: Greg, so you know about light too, huh? You know everything - you know water, light, girlfriend.

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Tommy Wiseau: What is this? This makeup. You look like you're swimming in lake.

Carolyn Minnott: It's a hundred degrees in here.

Tommy Wiseau: Makeup!

Greg Sestero: Tommy, if you're not gonna pay for air conditioning, you at least have to pay for water.

Juliette: Could we maybe just have a little bit of water before the scene? I...

Tommy Wiseau: Okay, I stop you. I stop everybody right there, okay? Nobody in Hollywood will give you water either, okay?

Greg Sestero: That's not true. Dude, we can't work like this!

Tommy Wiseau: Well, I'm not Santa Claus, all right? Maybe you go buy water for everybody, *Greg,* okay? Maybe girlfriend bring you some water or something.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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