22 Jump Street (2014)
Channing Tatum: Jenko
Captain Dickson : Gentlemen, you're not gonna sit here
[places pistol down on desk]
Captain Dickson : & pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.
Jenko : [confused] What the fuck is going on?
Captain Dickson : [turns picture frame on desk around, revealing a photo of Maya] *This* is what the fuck is going on!
Jenko : [looks at the picture confused, looks at Schmidt, then back at the picture as he realizes] OH SHIT! Oh Shit!
[laughs hysterically at Schmidt]
Jenko : Oh shit! No! That is not happening right now!
Jenko : No!
[to coworkers, exchanging high fives]
Jenko : Hey ya'll he's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo! Oh my FUCK!
Captain Dickson : [as Jenko is laughing outside office, to Schmidt] Every time, he says that shit? That's another foot in your ass!
Jenko : [outside office] Schmidt! You clearly... yo, this is the best thing ever!
Jenko : Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
Jenko : Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
Jenko : [re-enters office] Shit! Fuck!
Jenko : You fucked Captain Dickson's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that *this face*
[pointing to Captain Dickson's angry face]
Jenko : right here! You bragged to that face!
Jenko : [to Captain Dickson] You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy Shit! Oh my God, this is...
Captain Dickson : [picks pistol up and places it back on the desk, with the barrel facing Jenko]
Jenko : [composing himself] It's really not that funny.
Captain Dickson : Fuck a 21 Jump Street & *FUCK* a Korean Jesus!
Jenko : [pointing across the room to the statue of Jesus] Captain, Korean Jesus is right there!
Captain Dickson : That's Vietnamese Jesus now. See this is a Vietnamese church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit!
[admiring Vietnamese Jesus]
Captain Dickson : Yeah, Vietnamese Jesus is just drippin' swag-goo!
[last lines before end credits sequence]
Captain Dickson : Jenko, what are you doing, man?
Jenko : Fuck you, Schmidt!
Captain Dickson : Stop dicking around!
Jenko : Hey, captain!
Captain Dickson : Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-fuck a situation you originally already fucked up!
Schmidt : Thanks!
Captain Dickson : [talking to Schmidt] I wish I could have you un-fuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.
Captain Dickson : [talking to Schmidt and Jenko] Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!
Jenko : What?
Jenko : [to bandit] I'm your best ni... I'm your worst nightmare!
Schmidt : I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...
Captain Dickson : I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin' nuts off.
Jenko : [to Schmidt] What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?
Captain Dickson : Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.
[cut to Captain Dickson shooting a stun gun at Schmidt's testicles]
Schmidt : [while hanging from a helicopter] There's a grenade in my shorts, can you reach it? Go in from underneath!
Jenko : Oh, shit! Is that it?
Schmidt : No, that's my dick!
Jenko : What about that?
Schmidt : That's my dick also!
Jenko : Why is it hard?
Schmidt : I'm so full of adrenalin right now!
Jenko : Fuck you, doves!
History Proffesor : Mr. McQuaid?
Jenko : ...uh, Covalent Bonds.
Schmidt : Mr. Walters, I should apologize for...
Mr. Walters : ...for shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally. You know they gave me a vagina. It's awesome. You guys wanna see it?
Mr. Walters : Eric's seen it. Eric's been all up in that shit. Ain't that right, Eric?
Eric Molson : You guys gotta get me the fuck out of here.
Jenko : It's 2014, asshole. You can't fucking use 'faggot'. 'Gay' is okay.' 'Homosexual', maybe.