22 Jump Street (2014) Poster

Ice Cube: Captain Dickson



  • Mrs. Dickson : So, how did you and Doug meet?

    Maya : We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.

    Captain Dickson : Stalked you? And then what happened?

    Maya : Then, we hung out and watched a movie.

    Maya : [pause for a second]  Actually, we watched it a couple times.

    Captain Dickson : This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?

    Schmidt : Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!

  • Captain Dickson : Gentlemen, you're not gonna sit here

    [places pistol down on desk] 

    Captain Dickson : & pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.

    Jenko : [confused]  What the fuck is going on?

    Captain Dickson : [turns picture frame on desk around, revealing a photo of Maya]  *This* is what the fuck is going on!

    Jenko : [looks at the picture confused, looks at Schmidt, then back at the picture as he realizes]  OH SHIT! Oh Shit!

    [laughs hysterically at Schmidt] 

    Jenko : Oh shit! No! That is not happening right now!

    [exits office] 

    Jenko : No!

    [to coworkers, exchanging high fives] 

    Jenko : Hey ya'll he's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo! Oh my FUCK!

    Captain Dickson : [as Jenko is laughing outside office, to Schmidt]  Every time, he says that shit? That's another foot in your ass!

    Jenko : [outside office]  Schmidt! You clearly... yo, this is the best thing ever!


    Jenko : Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!


    Jenko : Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!

    Jenko : [re-enters office]  Shit! Fuck!

    [to Schmidt] 

    Jenko : You fucked Captain Dickson's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that *this face*

    [pointing to Captain Dickson's angry face] 

    Jenko : right here! You bragged to that face!

    Jenko : [to Captain Dickson]  You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy Shit! Oh my God, this is...

    Captain Dickson : [picks pistol up and places it back on the desk, with the barrel facing Jenko] 

    Jenko : [composing himself]  It's really not that funny.

  • Captain Dickson : Fuck a 21 Jump Street & *FUCK* a Korean Jesus!

    Jenko : [pointing across the room to the statue of Jesus]  Captain, Korean Jesus is right there!

    Captain Dickson : That's Vietnamese Jesus now. See this is a Vietnamese church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit!

    [admiring Vietnamese Jesus] 

    Captain Dickson : Yeah, Vietnamese Jesus is just drippin' swag-goo!

  • [from trailer] 

    Captain Dickson : We Jump Street, and we 'bout to jump in yo ass.

    Jenko : Mmmm-hmmm.

    Schmidt : Right in the crack.

  • Captain Dickson : [see's Schmidt dating his daughter maya]  How do you know this person?

    Maya : Dad, this is Doug, he's a guy I'm dating.

    Captain Dickson : What the fuck?

  • [last lines before end credits sequence] 

    Captain Dickson : Jenko, what are you doing, man?

    Jenko : Fuck you, Schmidt!

    Captain Dickson : Stop dicking around!

    Jenko : Hey, captain!

    Captain Dickson : Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-fuck a situation you originally already fucked up!

    Schmidt : Thanks!

    Captain Dickson : [talking to Schmidt]  I wish I could have you un-fuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.

    Captain Dickson : [talking to Schmidt and Jenko]  Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!

    Jenko : What?

  • Schmidt : I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...

    Captain Dickson : I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin' nuts off.

    Jenko : [to Schmidt]  What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?

    Captain Dickson : Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.

    [cut to Captain Dickson shooting a stun gun at Schmidt's testicles] 

  • [during end credits sequence] 

    Jenko : I'm really really glad you're back, Schmidt.

    Schmidt : What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I have been here the whole time.

    Captain Dickson : Hey, shut the fuck up! How about a flight academy?

  • [during end credits sequence] 

    Captain Dickson : This time, foreign exchange students!

    Schmidt : Awesome!

    Jenko : Yes!

    Captain Dickson : In Russia!

    Jenko : What?

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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