22 Jump Street (2014)
Ice Cube: Captain Dickson
Mrs. Dickson : So, how did you and Doug meet?
Maya : We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.
Captain Dickson : Stalked you? And then what happened?
Maya : Then, we hung out and watched a movie.
Maya : [pause for a second] Actually, we watched it a couple times.
Captain Dickson : This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?
Schmidt : Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!
Captain Dickson : Gentlemen, you're not gonna sit here
[places pistol down on desk]
Captain Dickson : & pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.
Jenko : [confused] What the fuck is going on?
Captain Dickson : [turns picture frame on desk around, revealing a photo of Maya] *This* is what the fuck is going on!
Jenko : [looks at the picture confused, looks at Schmidt, then back at the picture as he realizes] OH SHIT! Oh Shit!
[laughs hysterically at Schmidt]
Jenko : Oh shit! No! That is not happening right now!
Jenko : No!
[to coworkers, exchanging high fives]
Jenko : Hey ya'll he's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo! Oh my FUCK!
Captain Dickson : [as Jenko is laughing outside office, to Schmidt] Every time, he says that shit? That's another foot in your ass!
Jenko : [outside office] Schmidt! You clearly... yo, this is the best thing ever!
Jenko : Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
Jenko : Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
Jenko : [re-enters office] Shit! Fuck!
Jenko : You fucked Captain Dickson's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that *this face*
[pointing to Captain Dickson's angry face]
Jenko : right here! You bragged to that face!
Jenko : [to Captain Dickson] You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy Shit! Oh my God, this is...
Captain Dickson : [picks pistol up and places it back on the desk, with the barrel facing Jenko]
Jenko : [composing himself] It's really not that funny.
Captain Dickson : Fuck a 21 Jump Street & *FUCK* a Korean Jesus!
Jenko : [pointing across the room to the statue of Jesus] Captain, Korean Jesus is right there!
Captain Dickson : That's Vietnamese Jesus now. See this is a Vietnamese church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit!
[admiring Vietnamese Jesus]
Captain Dickson : Yeah, Vietnamese Jesus is just drippin' swag-goo!
[last lines before end credits sequence]
Captain Dickson : Jenko, what are you doing, man?
Jenko : Fuck you, Schmidt!
Captain Dickson : Stop dicking around!
Jenko : Hey, captain!
Captain Dickson : Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-fuck a situation you originally already fucked up!
Schmidt : Thanks!
Captain Dickson : [talking to Schmidt] I wish I could have you un-fuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.
Captain Dickson : [talking to Schmidt and Jenko] Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!
Jenko : What?
Schmidt : I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...
Captain Dickson : I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin' nuts off.
Jenko : [to Schmidt] What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?
Captain Dickson : Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.
[cut to Captain Dickson shooting a stun gun at Schmidt's testicles]