Merlin: Arthur wants a crossbow.
Sir Leon: That one's ancient. Probably wouldn't hurt a fly.
Merlin: Well, if you did want to hurt a fly, or even a human, what would YOU use?
Sir Leon: I would use a thing of beauty like this. Carved from 50-year-old ash. Um, be careful with...
[Merlin accidentally releases an arrow and blows apart a barrel]
Sir Leon: OH!
Sir Leon: Will that do the job?
Merlin: [laughs] Oh, yes. That will do the job nicely, heh-heh-heh.
Sir Leon: What is the job exactly?
Merlin: To kill Arthur.
Sir Leon: Driving you mad, is he?
Merlin: Not for much longer!
[they both laugh]
Merlin: [to the head cook, sniffing] You stink worse than your food!
Gaius: Merlin, are you all right?
Merlin: [still enchanted] I-I'm pacing.
Gaius: Yes, I can see that.
Merlin: A man who is all right does not pace, Gaius.
Gaius: Oh, well, that's why I asked.
Merlin: I'm wrestling with a problem and there are many factors to take into consideration, and I have not yet come up with a solution.
Gaius: Can I be of assistance?
Merlin: [smirking] No.
Gaius: Would you like to share the problem with me?
[Merlin pauses with an arrogant expression]
Gaius: Sometimes two heads are better than one.
Merlin: Yes, but not when one of them's yours.
[Morgana throws a bucket of water into Merlin, who is hanging from the ceiling by bound wrists]
Morgana: [coldly] Good morning.
Merlin: [sarcastically] Is it?
Morgana: Oh, don't be like that. We've a lot of catching up to do. After all, I haven't seen you since you condemned my sister to a slow and painful death, thwarted my plans to take over Camelot, and forced me to live in a hovel.
Merlin: Couldn't do me a favor, could you? Let Arthur know. He still thinks of me as an underachiever, but I'm quite proud of those accomplishments. I can die happy.
Gaius: For now the serpent is dormant, though when it wakes, your mind will be Morgana's once more, and nothing will stop you from killing Arthur.
Merlin: But how do we get rid of it if it keeps growing back?
Gaius: There's only one way, I'm afraid. You have to kill the mother beast.
Merlin: That creature that lives in Morgana's hut?
Merlin: Great. How long have I got? How long before this thing wakes up?
Gaius: A day, no more. And I wouldn't face her alone.
Merlin: Oh, don't worry. I won't be there at all. Well, not exactly.
[Merlin picks up a potion bottle from a table]
Merlin: She won't recognize me if I'm eighty years old.
Gaius: Oh, what should I say if Arthur asks for you?
Merlin: Uh, tell him I'm anywhere.
[opens and closes the door, but looks inside one last time]
Merlin: Anywhere but the tavern.
[Gaius opens a smoking canister and holds it under Merlin's nose]
Merlin: [awakening with a start, coughing] What is that? Arthur's socks? What're you trying to do to me?
Gaius: I'm trying to stop you from killing the king!
Arthur: [examining Merlin's wound] I've seen worse. Definitely seen worse.
Merlin: On a dead man.
Arthur: You're not going to die, Merlin. Don't be such a coward.
Merlin: If I do die, will you call me a hero?
Merlin: But whilst I'm still alive, I'm a coward.
Arthur: That's the way these things work, I'm afraid. You get the glory when you're not around to appreciate it.
Merlin: [scoffs] Unless you're the king.
Arthur: Come on. It's got to have SOME advantages.
Gaius: [wryly welcoming Merlin back] Don't do that again, Merlin. My heart can not take the strain.
Merlin: Yes, well, you are getting on a bit.
[Gaius stares back, stunned]
Merlin: What is the strongest poison that you possess?
[Gaius stares back with interest]
Merlin: I had this great opportunity to lace the bandits' food with poison and nothing to do it with.
Gaius: Well, that would be aconite.
Merlin: [looking through Gaius' bottles and finding what he needs] Ac-o-nite. Well, I think I should take some of this with me from now on. You never know when you might need to kill someone.
Gaius: [as Merlin leaves] Indeed.
Morgana: [looking at old Merlin] You're not real.
Merlin: Whatever you say!
Morgana: You're just my imagination.
Merlin: [having found the jar with the Fomorroh] That's right. I'm not really here. Just pretend that I'm not really here and I'll just get this and go.
Morgana: Why're you so loyal to Arthur?
Merlin: I don't expect you to understand, Morgana. You have no sense of duty, no sense of loyalty.
Morgana: You're wrong. Don't think I don't understand loyalty just because I've got no one left to be loyal to.
Morgana: The Fomorroh are creatures of dark magic. Even if you cut off their heads, you can not kill them. Another will just grow in its place. In the days of the old religion, they were revered by the high priestesses because they allowed them to control people's minds. The Fomorroh will suck the life force out of you, and everything that makes you Merlin will be gone. And in its place there will be just one thought, one thought that will grow until it's consumed you completely, one thought that will be you life's work. You will not be able to rest until it's done. And that one thought it simple: You must kill Arthur Pendragon.
Merlin: Tell me something... If he's so good, why don't you just give him the job?
Arthur: He's seriously boring. I've never met anyone so dull. The man makes jokes about brass.
Merlin: [OLD MERLIN] Ah. Gentlemen. What a pleasant surprise.
Sir Leon: I wish we could say the same thing. Move away from the horse. Please.
Merlin: [OLD MERLIN] What lovely manners. I do admire a man who says "please".
Sir Leon: Now.
Merlin: [OLD MERLIN regards Percival] Have you got bigger?
Sir Percival: You'll be getting shorter if I have my way.
Merlin: [OLD MERLIN] Nice. I like it.
Merlin: [OLD MERLIN] Leon, really. There must be something in the Knight's Code about how to treat an old man.
Sir Leon: You're not just any old man, though, are you?
Sir Gwaine: You escaped the flames once, you won't escape again.
Merlin: [OLD MERLIN] Sir! And you are not what you seem.
Sir Gwaine: [Gwaine draws his sword] What is he talking about? I'm a good mind to run you through right now.
Sir Leon: [Leon puts out a hand] I think Arthur would prefer to see him alive.
Sir Leon: [OLD MERLIN] Oh--oh-oh. No, really, Arthur doesn't not want to see me, believe me. In fact, if Arthur does see me, he will be in grave danger.
Sir Elyan: [Elyan is the last to draw his sword] Are you threatening the life of our king?
Sir Percival: [Percival pokes Old Merlin in the back with his sword. He pokes him again]
Merlin: [OLD MERLIN] Percival! That is a sword, it does hurt. Yes, I am afraid to say, if you don't let me go, then there is every chance that I will KILL YOUR KING!
Sir Gwaine: Say that again!
Merlin: Why? Have you got ale in your ears?
Merlin: [Gwaine yells and goes for the attack, but Old Merlin holds up a hand and stops him dead in his tracks, knocking him out. Percival tries next, but Old Merlin breaks his sword in half and magically shoves Percival and Leon into each other, then throws them on top of Elyan] Ha! Thank you, gentlemen.
[Old Merlin uses them as a set of stairs]
Merlin: So considerate to help an old man.
[Old Merlin cackles as he climbs onto his horse and rides off]
Arthur: Two whole days in the tavern.
Merlin: I'm not quite sure it was that long.
Arthur: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't get rid of you on the spot.
Merlin: Because you'd have no one to polish your armour, make you breakfast, organise your clothes.
Arthur: Ah, well, that's where you're wrong. George!
Arthur: [George enters primly] Merlin, meet George. George is, perhaps, the most efficient servant I've ever seen. He'll be spending the rest of the week teaching you.
Merlin: Teaching me?
Arthur: If you wish to remain in my service.
George: We will start in the armoury. Lesson one is my favourite. Polishing.
Merlin: Yes, that's my favorite, too.
Gwen: Have you seen Merlin?
Sir Leon: He was in the armory.
Gaius: What did he want in there?
Sir Leon: A crossbow. I think Arthur must be getting on his nerves.
Sir Leon: He said he was going to kill him.
[Leon bursts out laughing and walks off. Gwen and Gaius exchange a worried look. And start rushing to Arthur's chambers]