Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen (2011 TV Special)
Jon Lovitz - Roaster: How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men!
Anthony Jeselnik - Roaster: Charlie, you are a monster. Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of 'Law and Order, SVU.'
Charlie Sheen - Roastee: It's true, I've hung around with a lot of shady people over the years - losers, drug addicts, dealers, desperate whores. But to have you all here on one night is really special.
Mike Tyson - Roaster: During a dark period in my life, I've found inspiration from reading the great epic poem, Iliad. So, see, Seth? You're not the only person that's gotten by by taking ideas from Homer.
Seth MacFarlane - Roastmaster: I mean, we all know there's a good chance Charlie will be dead soon, so I wrote an obituary. 'Charlie Sheen, who became a tabloid fixture due to his problems with drugs and alcohol, was found dead in his apartment.' Actually, you know what? I kind of just copied Amy Winehouse's obituary. I only had to change three things: the sex of the deceased, the location of the body, and the part that says, 'a talent that will be missed.'
William Shatner - Roaster: I've had sex in space with green women. Sure, you've had sex with the blue women because, unlike you, they couldn't handle their drugs.
Kate Walsh - Roaster: Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidney, your liver, the only thing you've had removed are your kids.
William Shatner - Roaster: I know another famous guy... who was kind to whores... and always kept 12 losers around... and he got crucified by Jews as well... and people worship that guy.
Jeffrey Ross - Roaster: Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez wanted to be here tonight, but they had a family obligation.
Jeffrey Ross - Roaster: Charlie, if you're winning, this must not be a child custody hearing. Only time your kids get to see you is in re-runs. Charlie, don't you want to live to see their first 12 steps?
Seth MacFarlane - Roastmaster: I really think you and Emilio should do a follow up to 'Men and Work' and you can call it 'Men Who Don't Work Anymore.'
Anthony Jeselnik - Roaster: [to Charlie] The only reason you got on TV at all is because God hates Michael J. Fox.
William Shatner: You used to pay prostitutes for sex. Charlie, don't you know actresses will sleep with you for free? That's Hollywood 101!
Amy Schumer - Roaster: You are just like Bruce Willis. You were big in the 80's and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.
Charlie Sheen - Roastee: [his closing] Once again, I have come out unscathed. You can't hurt me. Hell, even I can't hurt me. Did you really think your little jokes were going to hurt me? I did porn stars. I did drugs. Then, I did the one thing everybody in America wishes he could do... I told my boss to fuck off. And then it was gone. I'm done with 'the winning'... because I've already won.
Jeffrey Ross - Roaster: [to Jon Lovitz] If Charlie is winning, then what are you doing? Chinning?
Anthony Jeselnik - Roaster: What can you say about Mike Tyson that hasn't already been the title of a Richard Pryor Album?
William Shatner - Roaster: I was recently at a celebrity auction where I sold one of my kidney stones for $75,000. Oh, yeah. And do you understand what I have done? I synthesized uric acid and calcium inside my bladder and turned it into a house for Habitat for Humanity! Who's the Warlock now, bitch?
Charlie Sheen: The only reason William Shatner is here is because I needed his urine to pass a drug test. Had to wring it out of the diaper, but it did the job.
Mike Tyson - Roaster: [to Jeff Ross] During your performance, I wish I bit my own ears off!
Charlie Sheen - Roastee: Steve-O! You're an animal, man! People say I'm crazy, but you, you're the real deal. This guy got a tattoo of his own face on his back!
[Steve-O stands up and shows the tattoo]
Charlie Sheen - Roastee: There it is. Even he knows it was a big mistake because it made Johnny Knoxville's cock go soft.
Amy Schumer - Roaster: [to William Shatner] I've seen less bloated men fished out of rivers. Does Priceline pay you in empanadas?
Kate Walsh - Roaster: Is Charlie really the worst guy here? So he made a chick blow him for 30 Grand. Mike Tyson makes you blow him "'Cauthe I thaid tho! That'th why!"