Best Man Down (2012)
Ramsey: [during Lumpy's funeral service] There are a lot of moments in life, and I didn't know Lumpy very long. Most of you probably had more time with him than I did, but... just because dying on a cactus was Lumpy's last moment doesn't mean it was his most important one.
Scott: I mean... he was my best friend.
Kristin: But he wasn't your best friend. He was your oldest friend. There's a difference.
Scott: I don't care what you call him. I knew Lumpy better than anyone.
Lumpy's Mom: I always felt bad my son never met anyone to love, someone to love him back. It's really good to know that I was wrong.
Scott: [taking out cellphone] Hey, will you hold this? It's Lumpy's. Then we can make some calls, just let people know what happened.
Kristin: [browsing through cellphone] There are only six numbers stored. Two of them are for pizza delivery.
Roger: Could somebody please pass the Mrs. Dash? She might be hiding with Mr. Dash.
Kristin: Oh, we don't know if there is a Mr. Dash, Dad. Maybe things didn't go too well after their wedding or something.
Scott: Well, maybe Mr. Dash had some things on his mind, and things that he has to take care of.
Kristin: I just wonder if Mr. and Mrs. Dash didn't go on a honeymoon and then after that, stop communicating.
Scott: Maybe Mrs. Dash should stop feeling sorry for herself.
Kristin: I think that Mrs. Dash is trying really hard and maybe feels under-appreciated.
Scott: [raising voice slightly] Maybe Mrs. Dash should remember she's not the only spice in the spice rack.
Ramsey: My mom says taking drugs for fun is okay, but taking them for problems is not. 'Cause once the drugs wear off, you still have the problem.
Kristin: I assumed that the funeral would be after the honeymoon.
Scott: You... you wanna postpone the funeral? Who postpones a funeral?
Scott: I know you never got Lumpy. Okay? Let's just be honest. You didn't want him to be my best man.
Kristin: I didn't say that. What I said was, you two didn't spend much time together anymore.
Scott: What does that mean? We're men. Men don't spend a lot of time together.
Ramsey: Don't you have candles to light, or like... wine and crackers to hand out?
Priest: That's what you think I do? Mood lighting and catering?
Winston: Look at me. I come back from two back-to-back tours in Iraq last year, and I got shit. No job, no degree, no money... nothin'. All I have is respect, and from you...
Winston: I'm gonna get respect.
Roger: [reminiscing about Lumpy] Boy looked like he was a lot of fun.
Scott: He was a lot of fun, Roger. He wasn't a boy though. He was a man.
Kristin: Of course he was a man.
Scott: No, no, no. He was a real man. Just because he drank a little too much, and quit law school and he got fired from his job, it doesn't make him less of a man. 'Cause he was a man, Kris.
Kristin: Okay. We understand and we know you're upset...
Scott: [shouting] You asked me to pee sitting down!
Kristin: I thought it would be a nice compromise.
Scott: You wanted me to carry a purse, for Christ's sake.
Kristin: Why would he carry a purse?
Kristin: [raising voice] It was a man bag! And I was only pointing out that some men have found it efficient. They are in Europe mostly but...
Scott: We don't live in Europe. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I mean. Lumpy kept it real. He was a man.
Gail: Your aunt had to bring up Lumpy.
Kristin: Mom, someone died. People are gonna talk about it.
Gail: But that's all they talk about. Oh, your best man got drunk and died at the wedding. Do you know that he hit on your cousin Lindsay?
Kristin: She's fourteen. They were just dancing.
Gail: I think it's inappropriate. I don't like it.
Gail: Well, don't tell me you don't wish that it didn't happen on your wedding night?
Kristin: Actually... I just wish that it didn't happen.
Kristin: You have to get your job back.
Scott: I can't get my job back! I don't want to get my job back! Keep shafting me on commissions, and I'm done. That's what Lumpy would have done.
Kristin: Oh, well, by all means let's follow Lumpy's example. What has he done? He dropped out of law school. He got fired for embezzlement. Now I think he's committed statutory rape!
Scott: Stop it! Please don't. Just don't.
Scott: You know how we could afford Mexico? Lumpy gave me the money. He got us a honeymoon, and I can't even get his funeral right.
Ramsey: I still think you should've gone to the hospital.
Lumpy: Mm-mmm, no, no. No, Duluth is... like umm... two hours away from here. I took a hot shower. I'll be fine.
Ramsey: Well, you look purple and bloated.
Lumpy: I always look bloated.
Lumpy: It's okay, it's okay. I work really hard to look this bloated. It's a point of pride for me.
Ramsey: [during Lumpy's funeral service] He didn't tell anyone about his heart because he didn't want his friends or his family to worry. And if he only had a little time left to live, the last thing he wanted to be was a lawyer. He just wanted to fish and have fun.
Scott: [agitatedly] Of course it matters! What are you talking about?
Kristin: He's gone, Scott.
Scott: I know that. I just... Kris, he told a 15-year-old girl he was dying. He didn't tell me. I just wish he'd told me.
Scott: I wish he'd told me.
Ramsey: Hot date?
Priest: What are you doing here?
Ramsey: You know I like to watch. I hate it when you pull the blinds, Dad.
Priest: [sighs] I'm not your dad.
Ramsey: Dad, father, father, dad... Whatever. I need 50 bucks.
Priest: I don't have 50 bucks. This is really your best option? Blackmailing a priest?
Ramsey: Think of it as community welfare.
Priest: Is there a doctor or a lawyer you can hustle?
Ramsey: If you want me to go back to taking it out of the offering tray, I will.
Jaime: You never gave it a chance.
Ramsey: No one makes new friends in high school.
Jaime: Oh, you're so smart though.
Ramsey: Yeah, and everyone's just dying to be friends with that freak girl who does math two years ahead of everybody else.
Jaime: Oh, if you try, it'll get better.
Ramsey: You sure about that, Mom? Is it gonna get better like Milwaukee, where I got beat up every week? Or is it gonna get better like Rockford, where you got beat up every week?
Jaime: Stop it. I did the best that I could.
Ramsey: Or is it like Brooklyn Park, where I had to watch my dad O.D.? So tell me, Mom...
Jaime: [interrupting] Stop it!
Ramsey: ...When does it get better, because I wouldn't want to miss it.
[stomps out of house in winter weather]
Jaime: Ramsey... where are you going?
Ramsey: Anywhere but here.
Lumpy: [outside motel in wintery night weather] Let me at least put some clothes on, and I will drive you home.
Ramsey: I can walk.
Lumpy: Get your butt back in the hotel room, or I'm gonna drop this towel!
Lumpy: You'll be scarred for life.
Scott: We can drive you to Minneapolis but then, how you're gonna get back home?
Ramsey: I don't know. I'd take the bus or something.
Kristin: I think we should figure that out before...
Scott: [reciprocating] Yeah
Ramsey: [interrupting] I'm pregnant.
Ramsey: It's Lumpy's.
Kristin: [faces away] I knew it.