Jake Harper : [Jake and Eldridge are making a video] A warm diet cola product. Ahhhh. Now, I will swallow a Mentos. Mentos. Now, I'll lay on the floor.
Eldridge Mackelroy : Goggles?
Jake Harper : Right. Safety first.
Eldridge Mackelroy : You feel anything yet?
Jake Harper : Oh yeah. It's workin'.
Eldridge Mackelroy : If it starts comin' out the back door, pull your pants down and roll over.
Jake Harper : Good thinkin'.
Alan Harper : [Alan comes into the kitchen] Hey, what's goin' on?
Jake Harper : Not a good time, Dad.
Alan Harper : What are you doing on the floor?
[Jake spews about four feet high, covering Alan]
Eldridge Mackelroy : [camera rolling] Awesome!
Alan Harper : [enraged] What the hell are you doing?
Jake Harper : I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Alan Harper : Are you all right?
Jake Harper : Yeah. We were just makin' a video. Hold on.
[he rushes to the sink to vomit some more]
Jake Harper : Cool stunts.
Alan Harper : Cool stunts? In God's name, why?
Jake Harper : You've heard of 'Jackass'?
Alan Harper : Yeah.
Eldridge Mackelroy : [proudly] We are Dumbass.
Alan Harper : [Jake and Eldridge's second stunt in their 'Dumbass' project goes a bit wrong] Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks.
Jake Harper : We took precautions.
Alan Harper : [almost too angry to speak] You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?
Eldridge Mackelroy : We were planning to land in the ocean.
Alan Harper : You missed it... by a *hundred yards*!
Jake Harper : It's not an exact science, Dad.
Alan Harper : OK, OK, let's not dicker over the details.
Eldridge Mackelroy : [giggling] He said 'dicker'.
Jake Harper : I know!
Alan Harper : OK, OK, I am serious, OK? This 'Dumbass' thing stops right now.
Jake Harper : You're the one who told me I should follow my dreams.
Alan Harper : I meant dreams like Doctor, or Lawyer, not Crash Test Dummy!
Jake Harper : [musing] Doctor Jacob Harper. I like the sound of that.
Eldridge Mackelroy : [continuing the parody] Hey, Doc, what's this on my nut-sack? Is it infected?
Jake Harper : Yes. It seems we'll have to perform a nut-sack-ectomy.
Alan Harper : [reaching a new state of outrage] Will... you... two... quit with the cockamamie babble, and focus on what I am trying to tell you?
Jake Harper : [giggling anew] He said 'cockamamie'!
Eldridge Mackelroy : He said 'foke-us'!
Jake Harper : [for their third 'Dumbass' stunt, Jake is warming up some beans] So, I'm thinking we call this stunt 'Fart Rocket'.
Eldridge Mackelroy : Naw, I think we need to go with something a little more intellectual. How 'bout, 'The Dumbass Ass Blaster'?
Jake Harper : You can't use two 'asses' in a row. It's... redumnant.
Alan Harper : [comes into the kitchen] Hey, what's goin' on?
Jake Harper : Just makin' Eldridge somethin' to eat.
Alan Harper : [sensing another stupid stunt] Really.
Eldridge Mackelroy : Yes, I was peckerish.
Alan Harper : You mean, 'peckish'.
Eldridge Mackelroy : Fine, if you wanna dicker.
Jake Harper : Good one, dude!