Dr. Gregory House : Sixteen-year-old girl. High fever, vomiting, bloodshot eyes...
Dr. Chris Taub : Wow. The case of the really bad flu.
Dr. Gregory House : Hmm, let me see. Did I leave anything out? Oh, yeah. The smallpox.
Martha Masters : Smallpox was eradicated over 30 years ago.
Dr. Gregory House : So were Hush Puppies. Have you checked out your local hipster coffee shop lately?
Dr. Gregory House : Would you ever be extra nice to a theoretical boyfriend if you were really mad at him?
Martha Masters : I guess the only reason I would be extra nice is because I'm angry, and I just want him to go away so I don't have to deal with him anymore.
Dr. Gregory House : [thinking about Cuddy] You passive-aggressive bitch!
Martha Masters : You just asked me...
Dr. Gregory House : We gave it to him. Where's Chase?
Dr. Eric Foreman : You do realize we don't all live together, right?
Dr. Gregory House : Well, then just... we gave it to him. No pustules on the daughter's palms, so...
Dr. Chris Taub : So therefore, your theory is you asked me to take the dad's blood, but I accidentally injected him with smallpox.
Dr. Gregory House : Exactly, although technically, it was the vaccinia virus which is what the smallpox vaccine is made from. Same symptoms as smallpox, but only half the calories and almost none of the lethality.
Dr. Eric Foreman : You sound like one of those anti-vaccine cranks. You can't develop full-blown symptoms from the vaccine this quickly.
Dr. Gregory House : You can if you're immunocompromised. Am I the only one who reads these things?
[waves Niles' file]
Dr. Gregory House : Dad had kidney cancer.
Dr. Eric Foreman : Six years ago. He's been in remission.
Dr. Gregory House : Well, it's obviously back. Shot his immune system, made him vulnerable to the vaccinia which will get better on interferon. So if he responds to the treatment, that proves he doesn't have smallpox.
Dr. Chris Taub : Then what does the daughter have?
Dr. Gregory House : Damn. I was hoping you weren't gonna ask me that. Can we please just focus on the disease we just diagnosed and can treat?
Dr. Gregory House : It's kind of hard to do an autopsy in oven mitts.
Martha Masters : Take them off
Dr. Gregory House : Says the woman standing behind two panes of glass
Martha Masters : Do you believe me? Forget me. Do you believe you? You think it's rickettsialpox, don't you? If it is, it's curable, and she's gonna die unless we can prove it.
Dr. Gregory House : You really are annoying.
Dr. Gregory House : Thanks for calling back. Listen, I'm a screenwriter. And is it theoretically possible for smallpox to survive for more than 200 years underwater in a sealed glass jar?
CDC Personnel : Well, theoretically, yes, but...
Dr. Gregory House : Thank you.
Dr. Gregory House : So who do we believe, the CDC or Dr. 90210?
Dr. Eric Foreman : It's the middle of the night in the Netherlands. Nobody's working.
Dr. Gregory House : Oh, you can always find someone.
Geerte : Oh, yes. My name is Geerte. Are you handsome sexiest American man?
Dr. Gregory House : Well, you know, some people... I would say that I am, yeah. I want you to translate something for me.
Geerte : Why you want I translate? I do topless, toys, and...
Julie : [When the doctors discover that Julie might have smallpox] Am I gonna die? I mean, this is what terrorists want to use to kill everyone, right? Like, there's no cure.
Dr. Chris Taub : There are treatments. We can give you cidofovir.
Dr. Gregory House : I don't think you care about the drugs' names. Bottom line, it's 30% fatal which means your chances of being okay are about the same as a basketball player's chance at hitting a free throw unless she finds dark, purplish skin.
Lulu : What would purple blotches mean?
Martha Masters : Hemorrhagic-type smallpox.
Dr. Gregory House : In which case, her chances are more like Shaq hitting a free throw.