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"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" The D.E.N.N.I.S. System (TV Episode 2009) Poster

Quotes

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Gladys: What's happening?

Dennis Reynolds: What's happening, Gladys, is we're at the fair and you're gonna act like my grandma, okay?

Gladys: My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.

Dennis Reynolds: I-I don't give a shit.

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Dennis Reynolds: And then naturally, we bang. And this is the best bang of all because it's very emotional for her. You see, she thinks she's broken through my tough exterior and coerced affection from a man who was afraid to love. And then I slink out into the night, never to talk to her again.

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Charlie Kelly: I don't know. I did everything right and I can't get past the letter D, dude.

Dennis Reynolds: What did you do exactly?

Charlie Kelly: I broke into her place, I ripped her sink apart, I brought a bag of hair, you know what I mean? And I come across looking like a total jerk!

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Dee Reynolds: Oh shit, Ben, look - a carnie.

[puts arms around carnie]

Dee Reynolds: So I wonder if there's a kissing booth anywhere close.

[the carnie stabs her]

Dee Reynolds: Oww! Ohh you stabbed me! He stabbed me with a key!

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Dennis Reynolds: You're gonna wanna nurture that dependence that she's feeling on you now, guys. Have her car towed, or you could slash her tires. Either way, make her depend on you for rides. Or you can use my personal go-to, which is to create a fictional angry neighbor who's threatening her and tell her you'll take care of 'em. Hit up a payphone so that she can't trace the calls back to you, give her a call and say something along the lines of, "I'm watching you, you bitch. You're gonna die tonight!"

Dee Reynolds: Oh for Christ's sake, you're a complete sociopath!

Dennis Reynolds: Don't interrupt.

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