James Marsden: Fred O'Hare
Sam O'Hare : Fred, wait, wait, wait! Fred.
Fred O'Hare : Did you know about this, Sam?
Sam O'Hare : Oh, er...
Fred O'Hare : You did.
Sam O'Hare : Okay, look. The rules of this intervention state that I am not supposed to help you, okay? So you can't tell anyone what I'm about to do.
Fred O'Hare : No! I'm not going to take money from you.
Sam O'Hare : Wasn't going to give you money.
Fred O'Hare : We can call it a loan.
Sam O'Hare : Fred, look, I got you a job interview tomorrow at my friend's company.
Fred O'Hare : I'm a little slammed tomorrow.
Sam O'Hare : I know you're not.
Fred O'Hare : I'm pretty busy.
Sam O'Hare : No. Look, it's an entry-level position.
Fred O'Hare : Entry-level?
Sam O'Hare : At a video game company!
Fred O'Hare : Okay. That's kinda cool.
Sam O'Hare : I know.
Fred O'Hare : All right, if it means that much to you, then I'll - I'll swing by.
Sam O'Hare : No, Fred. No. You don't swing by. Okay? You shower, you shave, and you show up. The three 'Shs!' Come on, Fred. You've got to start your life. Think of this as a reboot!
Fred O'Hare : Right!
Sam O'Hare : It's time.
Fred O'Hare : Yeah. You know what? You're right. In a couple of months, couple of weeks, you're gonna see a whole new Fred. Yeah. By Easter. Easter is in 2 weeks. By Easter, I'm going to have a new job, a new place, a new life
Sam O'Hare : Great!
Fred O'Hare : Okay.
Fred O'Hare : Can I get a little clarification, here? Is this what the Easter Bunny does now? He just goes house to house, messing up people's lives?
E.B. : Well, that's just hurtful. Besides, you're selling yourself short. They were going to shove you in the mail room. Well, excuse me, but I happen to think you're better than that.
Fred O'Hare : You don't know me! Okay? We just met.
E.B. : I can tell. You give off this aura of untapped potential.
Fred O'Hare : I do? Now, don't pull that with me, rabbit, okay? I'm too smart for you.
E.B. : But, Fred, I'm serious! You're destined to do something great. I just know it!
Fred O'Hare : Well, I've never heard that one before.
E.B. : You'll find an awesome job.
[E.B. grabs a newspaper]
E.B. : Hey. Look, what about this? Dog walker?
Fred O'Hare : No.
E.B. : TSA Officer?
Fred O'Hare : No.
E.B. : Oh! What about this one? It looks exciting. Wind in your hair, hot babe on your arm.
Fred O'Hare : That's a car ad.
E.B. : You should buy that car, then.
Fred O'Hare : Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sleep in my car.
Sam O'Hare : Fred, listen. My boss is on vacation for a few weeks and he asked me to house-sit.
Fred O'Hare : Nobody ever asks me to house-sit.
Sam O'Hare : I know. It's so weird. Anyway, he has dogs, and you know I'm scared of dogs, so take over for me.
Fred O'Hare : Wait. Your boss lives in a big mansion, right?
Sam O'Hare : Yes, in Beverly Hills. And he loves his house more than he loves his kids. So you have to behave. Okay? Do not touch anything. Do not break anything. Do not go upstairs!
Fred O'Hare : Wait, what's upstairs?
Sam O'Hare : Fred.
Fred O'Hare : Okay.
Sam O'Hare : And do not forget to feed the dogs.
Fred O'Hare : Got it!
[Sam hands keys to Fred]
Fred O'Hare : Thank you, Sam.
Sam O'Hare : You're welcome.
Sam O'Hare : I put the address on the paper.
Fred O'Hare : Okay.
Sam O'Hare : But, Fred?
Fred O'Hare : Yeah?
Sam O'Hare : If you screw up, I'll kill you.
Fred O'Hare : Okay.
E.B. : Fred, I was wondering if... Are you doing anything tomorrow?
Fred O'Hare : Oh. Tomorrow I get start my new job at the video game company. Wait a second. No, that didn't work out.
E.B. : I know. I know. I'm sorry about that. But do you know what? Every cloud has a silver lining. And behold this silver lining, Fred!
[hands Hoff knows talent flier to Fred]
Fred O'Hare : [he looks at the flier] The Hoff?
E.B. : Yes, please. I just need a ride.
Fred O'Hare : Mmm. No.
Fred O'Hare : Aw, come on, Fred. This is my one big chance. I'll do anything. Even get out of your life.
Fred O'Hare : I take you to Hoff knows talent, and that's it, we're done.
E.B. : Bunny's honor.
[spits on his paw]
E.B. : Right here, mate.
Fred O'Hare : It's okay. A verbal agreement is fine.
Fred O'Hare : Say something. Talk again.
E.B. : I'm E.B. And you are?
Fred O'Hare : I'm F-Fred.
E.B. : Well, F-Fred, I am so hungry. Have you got anything in the old snack department?
[Fred grabs turkey jerky and hands it to E.B]
Fred O'Hare : Okay. Here you go.
E.B. : Oh! Oh! That's...
[spits jerky out of his mouth in disgust]
E.B. : What is this?
Fred O'Hare : What? It's Turkey Jerky.
E.B. : First, you hit me with your car and then you try and poison me with a meat stick. Why do you hate me?
Fred O'Hare : Okay. Is there something you'd rather eat, you weird little thing?
E.B. : Well...
[he pulls his ears up and fluffs his tail]
Fred O'Hare : Carrots!
E.B. : He's a genius
Bonnie O'Hare : [Henry, Bonnie, Sam, and Alex pull out letters for Fred] Dear Fred, as your mother, I have always loved you, and it hurts me to have to tell you in this way, but there comes a time when every young man must grow up and leave the nest.
Fred O'Hare : You all prepared statements?
Henry O'Hare : Fred, we're just doing this because we love you, son.
Bonnie O'Hare : The Sadeki family down the street went through the same thing with their son Jordy. He just laid on the couch all day watching court shows, but then they had an intervention, and now he works in a pharmacy and has an apartment.
Fred O'Hare : I don't - I don't really want to work at a pharmacy, Mom.
Henry O'Hare : Well, you need to do something. You need to get a life. You need to get a job and you need to move out. Especially the last one.
Fred O'Hare : But I did move out. And I did get a job. Is it my fault that the company oversized?
Henry O'Hare : Fred, that was over a year ago! You have to get back on the horse
Bonnie O'Hare : And you have so much potential.
Fred O'Hare : Thanks, mom.
Alex O'Hare : Sometimes I think you adopt me because Fred was such a disappointment.
Fred O'Hare : Wow.
[Sam hits Alex's arm with her hand]
Henry O'Hare : Alex, that is a very hurtful statement.
Alex O'Hare : You're not denying it.
Bonnie O'Hare : Eat your dinner.
Fred O'Hare : Mom, Dad, I'm trying, okay? I go on job interviews. I had one today!
Henry O'Hare : Yes, but it wasn't what you were looking for. It's always something. You didn't like the commute. The parking lot was too far away from the building. The man in the cubicle next to you smells
Fred O'Hare : He smelled.
Henry O'Hare : Fred, nothing is ever good enough for you.
Fred O'Hare : You don't want me to settle, do you?
Bonnie O'Hare : Settling is fine.
Fred O'Hare : Dad, when I was a kid, you said when I grew up I was going to do something great.
Henry O'Hare : Yes. But now I'm telling you that you should forget about great and settle for getting any job.
Bonnie O'Hare : We should have nudged you out of the nest a long time ago.
Henry O'Hare : Baby birds get a nudge. Giant birds who never leave, they get shoved.
Fred O'Hare : Now, you realize, you can't talk.
E.B. : No, I can.
Fred O'Hare : No, what I mean is, you shouldn't talk.
E.B. : What? Like, ever?
Fred O'Hare : Yeah, ever will be wonderful. But from now on, especially not in front of other people. They might freak out and want to dissect the brain.
Fred O'Hare : Dissect? That's a bit extreme. There's an easy explanation as to why I can talk. It's a simple combination of cuteness and magic.
Waitress : Okay. Here we go. One BLT.
[puts plate of BLT down in front of Fred]
Waitress : And one order of carrot cake a la mode, topped with quote, whatever candy you have laying around back there. Unquote.
Fred O'Hare : Excuse me. Is that a cough drop.
Waitress : Yeah. It's cherry. It counts.
E.B. : It's a peculiar garnish. Can I get some chocolate syrup?
Waitress : Sure, doll.
E.B. : Thank's, love. Oh. It seems my brain is still intact, Fred.
E.B. : Hey, Fred, what's wrong? You look a bit put out.
Fred O'Hare : Wh-why are you still here? You can't be up here. This is... You're in the forbidden part of the house.
E.B. : Yeah, but so are you.
Fred O'Hare : Pick this up, man. You've destroyed the place!
E.B. : I wouldn't say destroyed. I was just getting comfortable.
Fred O'Hare : What about your injury? Huh? Your leg? You're hurt, right?
E.B. : [looks at leg] Yeah, exactly. I need a soft bed in which to convalesce.
Fred O'Hare : Oh, I see. So you climbed the flight stairs...
E.B. : Struggled up each stair is more like it. Worth it, though. That jacuzzi loosened me right up.
Fred O'Hare : Jacuzzi?
E.B. : Oh, yeah. You might want to turn it off. It was creating a lot of bubbles.
Fred O'Hare : No!
[rushes over to turn the water off]
Fred O'Hare : My sister is going to kill me!
E.B. : Don't worry. We'll clean it up together, as soon as I've beat my high score. Hey Fred! Come on, your turn. Pick up a guitar, mate.