Jack Black: Stine, voice of Slappy
R.L. Stine : [introducing himself to a classroom] Hello. My name is Mr. R.L. Stine. Every story ever told can be broken down into three parts. The beginning. The middle. And the twist.
Zach Cooper : You're him, aren't you? You're R.L.Stine.
R.L. Stine : R. L. who? I don't know who that is.
Zach Cooper : Oh really? Just as well cause his books suck.
Hannah : What are you doing?
Zach Cooper : I can't decide which I hate more: "Monster Blood" or "Go Eat Worms".
Champ : I'm so confused!
Zach Cooper : You see the endings coming from a mile away. It's like, stop trying to be Stephen King, man.
R.L. Stine : [slams on the brakes] Let me tell you something about Steve King. Steve King wishes he could write like me. I've sold way more books than him, but no one ever talks about that!
Champ : The Abominable Snowman just crawl out of a book, that doesn't just happen!
R.L. Stine : You just released every monster I've ever created!
Champ : What was that?
R.L. Stine : It's the Invisible Boy.
Champ : [getting slapped by Brent the Invisible Boy] Ow!
R.L. Stine : Ah, he's such a crack up.
Hannah : [quietly] Did you unlock a book?
R.L. Stine : [worried] Oh, no...
Zach Cooper : I'm sorry. I'll put it back where it belongs. Look, here it is.
Hannah : No, don't open it!
[Zach accidentally opens a manuscript which releases the Abominable Snowman of Pasadena, the Abominable Snowman touches a light of a ceiling lamp, which stings his finger]
Hannah : [whispering] Nobody make a sound.
[Champ screams in terror which the Abominable Snowman of Pasadena hears him, then he starts to charge at him, but Zach pushes him aside, then the Abominable Snowman breaks out of the house]
[after typing "The Invisible Boy's Revenge" on R.L. Stine's typewriter]
Brent Green (The Invisible Boy) : You forgot about me!
[Leaves hand marks on the glass and manically laughs as Stine screams]
[During a chase in the grocery store, the Werewolf crashes in an isle of food, then R.L. Stine trips and gets placed in a shopping cart, and Zach pushes the cart]
R.L. Stine : What are you doing? Get me out!
[the Werewolf starts coming after Zach and Stine]
R.L. Stine : Oh, no, no, no, no, no, keep going!
Hannah : So you're the new neighbor?
Zach Cooper : Yeah. I'm Zach, by the way.
Hannah : I'm Hannah.
R.L. Stine : [from behind her] Hannah, get away from the window. Now!
Hannah : I gotta go.
[R.L. Stine appears at the window]
Zach Cooper : Hi! Hey, we're just moving in.
R.L. Stine : [referring to the fence between their two houses] You see that fence?
Zach Cooper : Uh, yes...
R.L. Stine : [sternly] Stay on your side of it.
[Stine leaves the window]
Slappy : You have the right to remain... silent.
R.L. Stine : All the monsters I've ever created are locked inside these books. But when they open...
R.L. Stine : What are you doing here? Go home!
Zach Cooper : No! No, no. Not until you explain what's going on.
R.L. Stine : No, no, no. I can't explain it!
Zach Cooper : We were almost eaten by Frosty the Snowman, which should be impossible, by the way. So try.
R.L. Stine : Okay, look! Where do I begin? When I was younger, I suffered from terrible allergies that kept me indoors. And all the kids threw rocks at my window and called me names. So I created my own friends. Monsters, demons, ghouls to terrorize my neighbourhood and all the kids that made fun of me. And they became real to me. And then one day... they actually... became... real. My monsters literally leapt off the page. As long as the books remain locked, we're safe, but when they open, well, you've just seen what happens.
Champ : I'm allergic to dust mites.
R.L. Stine : What's your point?
Champ : I'm just saying, I have allergies too, so I understand.
R.L. Stine : All of you in the car NOW!