Officer Michaels: You know, this job though isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be, when I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!
Officer Slater: Yup
Officer Michaels: If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier...
Officer Slater: Hell, yeah!
Officer Michaels: I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.
Officer Slater: I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.
Officer Michaels: Could smell it out like a rat.
Officer Slater: Smell it out. ANything
Officer Michaels: Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him...
Officer Slater: No way,
Officer Michaels: Just punched you in the face. No semen.
Officer Slater: Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.
Officer Michaels: Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.
Officer Slater: I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make you know, live in a world of semen. That's funny you say that because I feel the same same way...
Officer Michaels: It's true
Officer Slater: I would make semen snowballs...
Officer Michaels: It would just make our lives easier if everything was covered in semen.
Officer Slater: Yeah, no crime.
Officer Michaels: Just semen. FUck, that'd be nice.
Officer Slater: I think we've exhausted this point. Sherlock Holmes, in his day, would look at you and say: "Five nights ago, Veronica Shear, USA Up All Night."
Officer Michaels: Four ounces.
Officer Slater: I know that, four ounces into your hand.
Officer Michaels: One time we found semen, one time.
Fogell: I thought you said you never found semen.
Officer Slater: One time we found semen, one time we found semen, we've got really excited, took it back to the lab, turned out it was Michaels' semen.
Fogell: Yo guys! Sup?
Seth: Fogell, where have you been, man? You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what?
Fogell: No noooo, man. I got it; it is flawless. Check it!
Evan: [examining the fake ID] Hawaii. All right, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait... you changed your name to... McLovin?
Evan: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?
Fogell: Naw, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.
Seth: And you landed on McLovin...
Fogell: Yeah. It was between that or Muhammed.
Seth: Why the FUCK would it be between THAT or Muhammed? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?
Fogell: Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once.
Evan: Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammed?
Fogell: Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?
Seth: No, that's why you picked a dumb fucking name!
Fogell: Fuck you.
Seth: Gimme that. All right, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn't even have a first name, it just says "McLovin"!
Evan: What? One name? ONE NAME? Who are you? Seal?
Seth: Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?
Fogell: Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face: every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with their fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. Pssh, how many 21 year olds do you think there are in this town? It's called fucking strategy, all right?
Evan: Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's... it's a fine ID; it'll... it's gonna work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either gonna think 'Here's another kid with a fake ID' or 'Here's McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiian organ donor'. Okay? So what's it gonna be?
Fogell: [grinning] ... I am McLovin!
Seth: No you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed because that's a made up dumb FUCKING FAIRY TALE NAME, YOU FUCK!
Jules: You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Seth: Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock.
Officer Michaels: Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!
[fantasizing about how he'll get liquor]
Seth: You dropped your purse, ma'am. Would you like me to help you with your groceries?
Old Lady: Well that would be lovely young man. Would you like me to buy you alcohol?
Seth: That would be lovely!
[at the cash register, after buying alcohol]
Seth: Enjoy your remaining years!
Old Lady: I will! Enjoy fucking Jules!
Seth: I WILL!
Seth: [referring to Evan's mother] I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
Evan: Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
Seth: You know when you hear girls say 'Ah man, I was so shit-faced last night, I shouldn't have fucked that guy?' We could be that mistake!
Fogell: What's it like to have a gun?
Officer Michaels: It's like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.
Seth: [imitating Becca] Oh Evan, thank you for bringing that lube for my pussy. I never would've been able to handle your four inch dick inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube.
Officer Michaels: Yeah McLovin, how is it going with the ladies?
Fogell: It's not the "going" I'm worried about... but the "coming".
Mindy: Look, kay? He assaulted the customer, grabbed the cash and ran out.
Officer Slater: So, how how, how...
Officer Michaels: Say when, height wise...
Officer Slater: I'm gonna start up here.
Officer Michaels: I'm gonna start from the buttom...
Mindy: Whatever 5'10 is, he was 5'10.
Officer Slater: E-ethnicly, I mean, did, what, uhhm. I mean, wa-was he, like u-us or...
Mindy: A woman? A female, is that what you're asking?
Officer Slater: No, I would say...
Officer Michaels: Was he...
Officer Slater: Was he African?
Mindy: Was he African? No, he was American. And he was like you. He looked just like you.
Officer Michaels: He was Jewish! An odd crime for a Jew to commit. Ok, so we have an African Jew wearing a hoodie...
Mindy: No. You don't. No, that's not what I said. Is that what you heard me say? I said he looked like you. Do you look like an African Jew?
Officer Michaels: No, I look like a cop.
Mindy: He was caucasian.
Officer Michaels: Caucasian...
Officer Slater: Oh...
Mindy: Kinda looked like Eminem.
Officer Michaels: Ah, an M&M...
Officer Slater: M&M, so he was like circular...
Mindy: Marshall Mathers. Eminem, the rapper, Eminem.
Officer Michaels: He looked like this? I'm a amateur.
Officer Slater: 'Cause that kinda looks like an M&M.
Officer Michaels: Longer face? Bigger nose? Would you say his mouth was wider? Open? A gap?
Jesse: Hey, Seth.
Seth: [scared and cautious] What?
Jesse: Did you hear I'm having a big grad party next Saturday?
Seth: [hesitantly] No.
[Jesse spits on Seth's shirt]
Jesse: You're not invited. Tell your fucking faggot friend he can't come either.
[motions towards Evan]
Seth: [Seth and Evan walk away together] So Jesse wanted me to tell you you're a fucking faggot and you're not invited to his grad party.
Evan: You know you really bitched out back there man.
Seth: I bitched out? You bitched out. Fucking Judas!
Evan: What'd you want me to do? Dive in front of the spit...?
Seth: Hey Greg, why don't you go piss your pants?
Greg the Soccer Player: [turning around] That was like 8 years ago, asshole!
Seth: [yelling] People don't forget!
Seth: When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem. And it's not even that big of a deal, something like 8 percent of kids do it. For some reason, I don't know why. I would just kinda... sit around all day... and draw pictures of dicks.
Seth: Draw pictures of dicks.
Evan: Dicks? Like a man dick?
Seth: Yes. Like a man dick.
[while you see Seth when he was a kid]
Seth: I'd just sit there hours on end drawing dicks. I didn't know what it was. I couldn't touch the pen to the paper without drawing the shape of a penis.
Evan: That's fucked.
Seth: No shit. It's really fucked up. Here I am. A little kid. And I can't stop drawing dicks to save my own life.
[you see the kid Seth draw a lot of different dicks on different sheets of paper and see a gallery of his drawings one by one]
Evan: Alright, I mean... I just don't see what this has to do with Becca.
Seth: Just listen. Okay?
[you see the kid Seth in a classroom]
Seth: Your precious little Becca sat next to me for all of fourth grade. And in the classroom was where I did the majority of my illustrations. I was very secretive about this whole dick operation. Even I thought I was fucking crazy. Imagine what everyone else would think? So I would stash all my dick drawings in this Ghostbusters lunchbox that I had. So one day, I'm finishing up this real big, veiny, triumphant bastard, all of a sudden...
[walks by the kid Seth and pushes his notebook and his dick drawing off the desk, and it lands near kid Becca]
Evan: You hit Becca's foot with your dick?
Seth: Yeah. I know.
[kid Becca picks up the drawing he just did, looks at it for a second, sees that it's a dick, and screams her head off and runs to the teacher]
Seth: She starts crying, she flips out. Then she rats me out to the principal. He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox dick treasure chest and he fucking flips out.
[you see more of his dick drawings one by one]
Seth: He calls in my parents. Turns out this principal is a religious fanatic, and he thinks I'm possessed by some sort of dick devil. My parents go make me see some therapist, and he's asking me all these dick questions. They literally stopped me from eating foods that were shaped like dicks. No hot dogs, no popsicles... You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.
Evan: Well, I don't... That's really messed up. Supergay.
Fogell: Oh oh, I forgot to tell you: my mom said we could have the TV from the basement...
Evan: Shut the fuck up, man. He's gonna hear you. Just be quiet; wait until he goes away.
Fogell: You still haven't told him that we're rooming together?
Evan: Fogell, shut the fuck up. And take off that vest. You look like Aladdin.
Seth: That's the coolest fucking story I've ever heard in my entire life! That's insane. Is it... Can I hear it again, do you have time?
Evan: Oh, I have to go.
Seth: What,? You're just gonna let me sit here and eat dessert alone like I'm Steven fucking Glandsberg?
[camera pans over to Steven eating alone and staring into a distance]
Officer Michaels: How old are you McLovin?
Fogell: Old enough.
Fogell: Old enough for what?
Fogell: To party.
Officer Slater: McLovin? Were you violating that young girl? Were you violating her with your penis?
Seth: Don't tell Fogell about the party, man...
Fogell: Gangstaaaaaaaaaaasss... what's up guys?
Seth: You don't want girls to think you suck dick at fucking pussy.
Officer Michaels: Prepare to get fucked by the long dick of the law.
Officer Slater: Hey kid, what's your real name?
Fogell: Fogell... it's Fogell.
Officer Michaels: Fogell? Fuck that, we're calling you McLovin!
Seth: You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.
Gym Teacher: Evan, get into the game.
Evan: Kick it over... to me.
Gym Teacher: Seth, get off the field!
Evan: Dude, get out of here. There gonna make me run laps again.
Seth: Dude, just fuckin' listen ok. Jules and her stupid fuckin' friend came up to me and they ask me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to fuck me, she wants my dick in and around her mouth.
Evan: Did you ever think that she's just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your dick?
Seth: No, she's got an older brother and she could've asked him but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said 'Seth, Momma's making a pubi salad and I need some Seth's Own dressing.' She's D.T.F. - down to fuck man. P and Vagi, she wants to
[kicks soccer ball]
Seth: fuck man! Tonight is a night that fucking is an actual possibility.
Evan: You just sound like an idiot, you're not gonna be able to sleep with her man.
Seth: No... dude, I don't want to talk a lot of shit OK. But she's gonna be at the party, and she's gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least I'll make out with her, two weeks hand job, month blow job, whatever whatever. And then, I make her my girlfriend. And I've got like two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.
Evan: K can you just get out of hear and we'll talk about this later?
Greg the Soccer Player: What the fuck Evan we're down two points!
Evan: Fuckin' calm down Greg, it's soccer, it's soccer.
Greg the Soccer Player: Fuck you man.
Seth: Hey Greg, why don't you go piss your pants again?
Greg the Soccer Player: That was like eight years ago asshole.
Seth: People don't forget.
[turning back to Evan]
Seth: You wanna hear the best part? Becka! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shit faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as highschool people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becka in coming up with this plan.
Evan: I should buy Becka alcohol?
Evan: Yeah, man that will be pimp! That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying like 'ahh I was so shit faced last night I shouldn't have fucked that guy,' we could be that mistake!
Evan: Have you talked to Fogell?
Seth: Alright, you talk to Becka. I'll talk to that retard Fogell. Don't worry.
Gym Teacher: [Blows whistle] Seth, get off the field!
Seth: [Kicks soccer ball into the stands] Goal!
Gym Teacher: You're getting that!
Seth: No I'm not.
Seth: Nobody has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since 'nam!
Officer Michaels: Ah, McLovin, McLovin, McLovin, McLovin.
Good Shopper Cashier: How old are you?
Good Shopper Cashier: [looks skeptical for a second, then smiles] You certainly are! That'll be 80 dollars.
Seth: Oh! Okay!
[pulls money out of his sleeve]
Seth: Pssha! Thank you kindly! Will that do?
Good Shopper Cashier: [examines the bill: a crisp 80 dollar bill] It most certainly will! Thank you, Seth!
Seth: Hey, thank YOU!
[double high-fives cashier]
Evan: Calm down, calm down. She likes you. She wants to suck on your penis. That's a good thing. It's the best.
Seth: I just wanna go to the rooftops and scream, "I love my best friend, Evan."
Evan: Let's... go on my roof.
Seth: [whispers] For sure.
Seth: He is the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.
Fogell: [after realizing Seth's car was towed] Why did you park in the staff lot?
Seth: [mumbles] Shut the fuck up, Fogell.
Fogell: I mean, you're not staff.
Seth: I know that Fagell! I KNOW that!
Evan: Fogell, I don't understand why you we're smoking cigarettes with those cops.
Fogell: Because I fuckin' rule?
Seth: [to Becca] I had such bad acne last year that I pretty much became, like, an expert on the stuff...
Seth: You drove m...
Seth: Evan drove me here though, so...
Jules: Well, so, I mean, I have my dad's car... so I could just give you a lift... and then Evan can take Becca home. If that works... I dunno. If it's in your route.
Becca: It'd be fine with me.
Evan: Fine, yeah. Maybe we could get some food.
Becca: Yeah, I'd like that.
Seth: [to Evan] So, I guess I'll call you.
Evan: Yeah, gimme a call. You have my number.
Seth: I have your information. So, uh, put her there...
[they shake hands]
Evan: Perfect. Good. Alright man.
Evan: Okay guys.
Jules: Bye guys. See ya tomorrow.
Becca: See ya Jules.
[Jules and Seth go off leaving Evan and Becca]
Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.
Seth: What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
Evan: She had back problems, man.
Francis the Driver: I'm gonna be totally honest with you. I have a warrant out for a totally nonviolent crime. Okay? There. Mercy Street, guys.
Seth: Well, I'll be honest with you for a second.
Francis the Driver: Okay.
Seth: You better get us a shitload of cash or a shitload of alcohol or you're going to fucking prison.
Evan: What are you doing, man? That's - You don't need to...
Francis the Driver: Okay.
Evan: No, let's not - Let's hang on a second here.
Seth: Cough it up.
Francis the Driver: Fine.
Evan: I don't know if we should be doing anything too official.
Francis the Driver: Let's work together. We're working together. It's like Let's Make a Deal. Here we go.
Seth: Seven bucks? Are you fucking serious? This isn't enough for anything. What are you, a 6-year-old?
Francis the Driver: It's all I have, man. That's all I have.
Seth: Well, you better think of something quickly, alright? Ah, my back!
Francis the Driver: No, no, no, no, no. Wait.
Seth: My back! Cops, my back.
Francis the Driver: Wait, don't do that. Alright, listen. I can get you alcohol. I'm going to this party right now, bro. Okay? It's got booze, it's got girls. Booze and girls equals... I don't know. Do you? I don't know. Do you? I think you do. Do you?
Becca: [drunkenly making out with Evan] I *so* flirt with you in math.
Evan: Tell me about it. I - same-sies.
Officer Slater: [pointing gun at Evan and Seth] Spread your shit! Get on the ground! Loaded gun! Ready to go! Spread your shit! Pussies on the pavement, fellas.
Seth: Dude! That means that by some fate we were paired together and she thought of me. Thought of me enough to want me to be responsible for the entire funness of her party! She wants to fuck me! She wants my dick in or around her mouth!
Seth: Look at those nipples.
Evan: They're like little baby toes. It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get.
Evan: Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.
Seth: You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
Officer Michaels: I'm assuming you all have guns and crack!
Becca: I am gonna give you the best blow J ever... with my mouth.
Evan: Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, It was so pimp, I even offered to pay for the alcohol.
Seth: Oh no, that IS pimp.
Evan: That's what I was afraid of.
Becca: [when Evan doesn't want to have sex with her because she's drunk] I don't understand why you have to be such a little bitch about it.
Seth: I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.
Teacher: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.
Evan: [His partner is tying on his apron] Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, I'm getting impatient up here.
Seth: I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin' break! I'm sorry for cursing.
Teacher: All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.
Seth: Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot - give home-ec another shot.
Seth: Momma's making a pubie salad, and she wants some Seth's own dressing.
Officer Michaels: We shouldn't be cock-blocking McLovin, we should be guiding his cock.
Mark: What the hell is this?
Seth: I don't fucking - it's detergent!
Mark: Yeah, what are you doing with it?
Seth: ...I got fucking blood on my pants.
Evan: [as Becca forcefully takes off his clothes] Just be careful, because it's a meaningful sweater to me, it's vintage.
Evan: Fogell, I just don't understand why you were smoking cigarettes with those cops.
Fogell: Because I fucking rule! Oh, we are SO gonna get laid tonight!
Seth: I am, I'm gonna get laid.
Evan: It's not just making them smaller. They completely reshaped them. They make them more supple, symmetrical.
Seth: I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let's make a move.
Officer Michaels: McLovin?
Officer Michaels: Great name.
Officer Slater: It is, it just rolls of the tongue.
Officer Michaels: 'Sounds like a sexy hamburger!
Seth: [looks at the line to the bathroom] What is this, a line?
Shirley: Uh, yeah, whats it look like?
[laughs with her friends]
Seth: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, fuck me, right?
Seth: Alright, let's stop this and just go get some dessert.
Evan: No, I can't. I gotta... go meet my counselor, I'm picking out my classes for next year.
Seth: ...what? So I gotta sit here and eat my dessert alone like I'm fuckin' Steven Glansberg?
[points at Glansberg]
Evan: I guess... yeah... I mean, what do you want me to do?
Period Blood Girl: [on phone to police] Yeah, send someone, hurry.
Period Blood Girl: [to Mark] Mark! I called the cops you should hide your gun.
Officer Slater: [Arresting Evan and Seth] Pretend he's your little sister, your little sister, with the picha baga daga dicta!
Evan: You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean that could be anything, it could be a bowling site.
Seth: Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going in which is a huge concern.
Evan: Right, I didn't realize that.
Seth: Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?
Seth: [shakes his head] Not for me.
Fogell: [as Seth comes out of the liquor store] Where did you hide the alcohol Danny Ocean, up your butt?
Officer Michaels: [Vomiting after chasing Eva] It's just beer! It's just beer!
Officer Slater: C'mon man up. What happened?
Officer Michaels: [Without breath] He's a freakin' kid! He's the fastest kid alive!
Officer Slater: This is not good!
Officer Michaels: He's the fastest kid alive!
Officer Slater: Fastest kid alive my ass! What we're gonna do?
Francis the Driver: Because I'll do anything. Like, literally, *fucking* anything! Name it. Name it!
Officer Michaels: Everyone should hold a gun at least a couple times.
Evan: I'm not too worried about it, really. I wouldn't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'm not worried at all.
Fogell: [shoots at burning police cruiser] Break yourself, foo!
Officer Michaels: [out of breath] He's a freak...
Officer Michaels: He's the fastest kid alive...
Liquor Store Clerk: Is there a problem here, sir?
Fogell: [shakes head] No.
Liquor Store Clerk: [looks down at the spilled beer on the floor] Sir, did you do this?
Fogell: No, no I didn't and you should really clean this up, someone could really hurt themselves.
Liquor Store Clerk: [looks down at the floor] Fuck my life.
Seth: Hey, man, I was doing some research for next year and I think I figured out which website I wanna subscribe to. The Vag-Tastic Voyage.
Officer Michaels: It was my semen. One time we walk into a murder house, blood everywhere, I go on, I think I find a bit of semen, clean it off. Long story short. Cream of wheat.
Officer Slater: Yup. Dope.
Officer Michaels: In short.
Officer Slater: In short.
Officer Michaels: Semen.
Officer Slater: Semen. Not, like, a man. I'm talking about the white stuff that comes out of your penis, when you're excited and happy. Your happy juice.
Officer Michaels: Your happy jism.
Officer Slater: I take it you've masturbated before, McLovin. Listen to me...
Fogell: Can a man...
Officer Slater: So when's the last time you masturbated, McLovin?
Fogell: Do a semen run.
[as Fogell is getting "arrested"]
Party Teenager #1: Holy shit! Fogell's a badass!