Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Fogell
Fogell : Yo guys! Sup?
Seth : Fogell, where have you been, man? You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what?
Fogell : No noooo, man. I got it; it is flawless. Check it!
Evan : [examining the fake ID] Hawaii. All right, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait... you changed your name to... McLovin?
Fogell : Yeah.
Evan : McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?
Fogell : Naw, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.
Seth : And you landed on McLovin...
Fogell : Yeah. It was between that or Muhammed.
Seth : Why the FUCK would it be between THAT or Muhammed? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?
Fogell : Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once.
Evan : Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammed?
Fogell : Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?
Seth : No, that's why you picked a dumb fucking name!
Fogell : Fuck you.
Seth : Gimme that. All right, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn't even have a first name, it just says "McLovin"!
Evan : What? One name? ONE NAME? Who are you? Seal?
Seth : Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?
Fogell : Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face: every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with their fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. Pssh, how many 21 year olds do you think there are in this town? It's called fucking strategy, all right?
Evan : Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's... it's a fine ID; it'll... it's gonna work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either gonna think 'Here's another kid with a fake ID' or 'Here's McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiian organ donor'. Okay? So what's it gonna be?
Fogell : [grinning] ... I am McLovin!
Seth : No you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed because that's a made up dumb FUCKING FAIRY TALE NAME, YOU FUCK!
Fogell : Oh oh, I forgot to tell you: my mom said we could have the TV from the basement...
Evan : Shut the fuck up, man. He's gonna hear you. Just be quiet; wait until he goes away.
Fogell : You still haven't told him that we're rooming together?
Evan : Fogell, shut the fuck up. And take off that vest. You look like Aladdin.
Fogell : I got a boner!
Fogell : Chicka chicka yeah!
Officer Michaels : You know, this job though isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be, when I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!
Officer Slater : Yup
Officer Michaels : If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier...
Officer Slater : Hell, yeah!
Officer Michaels : I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.
Officer Slater : I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.
Officer Michaels : Could smell it out like a rat.
Officer Slater : Smell it out. ANything
Officer Michaels : Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him...
Officer Slater : No way,
Officer Michaels : Just punched you in the face. No semen.
Officer Slater : Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.
Officer Michaels : Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.
Officer Slater : I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make you know, live in a world of semen. That's funny you say that because I feel the same same way...
Officer Michaels : It's true
Officer Slater : I would make semen snowballs...
Officer Michaels : It would just make our lives easier if everything was covered in semen.
Officer Slater : Yeah, no crime.
Officer Michaels : Just semen. FUck, that'd be nice.
Officer Slater : I think we've exhausted this point. Sherlock Holmes, in his day, would look at you and say: "Five nights ago, Veronica Shear, USA Up All Night."
Officer Michaels : Four ounces.
Officer Slater : I know that, four ounces into your hand.
Officer Michaels : One time we found semen, one time.
Fogell : I thought you said you never found semen.
Officer Slater : One time we found semen, one time we found semen, we've got really excited, took it back to the lab, turned out it was Michaels' semen.
Fogell : [as Seth comes out of the liquor store] Where did you hide the alcohol Danny Ocean, up your butt?
Fogell : [shoots at burning police cruiser] Break yourself, foo!
Liquor Store Clerk : Is there a problem here, sir?
Fogell : [shakes head] No.
Liquor Store Clerk : [looks down at the spilled beer on the floor] Sir, did you do this?
Fogell : No, no I didn't and you should really clean this up, someone could really hurt themselves.
Liquor Store Clerk : [looks down at the floor] Fuck my life.
Officer Michaels : It was my semen. One time we walk into a murder house, blood everywhere, I go on, I think I find a bit of semen, clean it off. Long story short. Cream of wheat.
Officer Slater : Yup. Dope.
Officer Michaels : In short.
Officer Slater : In short.
Officer Michaels : Semen.
Officer Slater : Semen. Not, like, a man. I'm talking about the white stuff that comes out of your penis, when you're excited and happy. Your happy juice.
Officer Michaels : Your happy jism.
Officer Slater : I take it you've masturbated before, McLovin. Listen to me...
Fogell : Can a man...
Officer Slater : So when's the last time you masturbated, McLovin?
Fogell : Do a semen run.
Fogell : Hell yeah we should get some road beers!