Bill Hader: Officer Slater
Mindy : Look, kay? He assaulted the customer, grabbed the cash and ran out.
Officer Slater : So, how how, how...
Officer Michaels : Say when, height wise...
Officer Slater : I'm gonna start up here.
Officer Michaels : I'm gonna start from the buttom...
Mindy : Whatever 5'10 is, he was 5'10.
Officer Slater : E-ethnicly, I mean, did, what, uhhm. I mean, wa-was he, like u-us or...
Mindy : A woman? A female, is that what you're asking?
Officer Slater : No, I would say...
Officer Michaels : Was he...
Officer Slater : Was he African?
Mindy : Was he African? No, he was American. And he was like you. He looked just like you.
Officer Michaels : He was Jewish! An odd crime for a Jew to commit. Ok, so we have an African Jew wearing a hoodie...
Mindy : No. You don't. No, that's not what I said. Is that what you heard me say? I said he looked like you. Do you look like an African Jew?
Officer Michaels : No, I look like a cop.
Mindy : He was caucasian.
Officer Michaels : Caucasian...
Officer Slater : Oh...
Mindy : Kinda looked like Eminem.
Officer Michaels : Ah, an M&M...
Officer Slater : M&M, so he was like circular...
Mindy : Marshall Mathers. Eminem, the rapper, Eminem.
Officer Michaels : He looked like this? I'm a amateur.
Officer Slater : 'Cause that kinda looks like an M&M.
Officer Michaels : Longer face? Bigger nose? Would you say his mouth was wider? Open? A gap?
Officer Slater : McLovin? Were you violating that young girl? Were you violating her with your penis?
Officer Slater : [pointing gun at Evan and Seth] Spread your shit! Get on the ground! Loaded gun! Ready to go! Spread your shit! Pussies on the pavement, fellas.
Officer Slater : [Arresting Evan and Seth] Pretend he's your little sister, your little sister, with the picha baga daga dicta!
Officer Michaels : You know, this job though isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be, when I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!
Officer Slater : Yup
Officer Michaels : If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier...
Officer Slater : Hell, yeah!
Officer Michaels : I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.
Officer Slater : I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.
Officer Michaels : Could smell it out like a rat.
Officer Slater : Smell it out. ANything
Officer Michaels : Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him...
Officer Slater : No way,
Officer Michaels : Just punched you in the face. No semen.
Officer Slater : Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.
Officer Michaels : Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.
Officer Slater : I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make you know, live in a world of semen. That's funny you say that because I feel the same same way...
Officer Michaels : It's true
Officer Slater : I would make semen snowballs...
Officer Michaels : It would just make our lives easier if everything was covered in semen.
Officer Slater : Yeah, no crime.
Officer Michaels : Just semen. FUck, that'd be nice.
Officer Slater : I think we've exhausted this point. Sherlock Holmes, in his day, would look at you and say: "Five nights ago, Veronica Shear, USA Up All Night."
Officer Michaels : Four ounces.
Officer Slater : I know that, four ounces into your hand.
Officer Michaels : One time we found semen, one time.
Fogell : I thought you said you never found semen.
Officer Slater : One time we found semen, one time we found semen, we've got really excited, took it back to the lab, turned out it was Michaels' semen.
Officer Michaels : [Vomiting after chasing Eva] It's just beer! It's just beer!
Officer Slater : C'mon man up. What happened?
Officer Michaels : [Without breath] He's a freakin' kid! He's the fastest kid alive!
Officer Slater : This is not good!
Officer Michaels : He's the fastest kid alive!
Officer Slater : Fastest kid alive my ass! What we're gonna do?
Officer Slater : I'm sorry that I blocked your cock...
Officer Michaels : It was my semen. One time we walk into a murder house, blood everywhere, I go on, I think I find a bit of semen, clean it off. Long story short. Cream of wheat.
Officer Slater : Yup. Dope.
Officer Michaels : In short.
Officer Slater : In short.
Officer Michaels : Semen.
Officer Slater : Semen. Not, like, a man. I'm talking about the white stuff that comes out of your penis, when you're excited and happy. Your happy juice.
Officer Michaels : Your happy jism.
Officer Slater : I take it you've masturbated before, McLovin. Listen to me...
Fogell : Can a man...
Officer Slater : So when's the last time you masturbated, McLovin?
Fogell : Do a semen run.
Officer Slater : [singing] PANAMA!
Officer Slater : We *will* shoot you!