Prosecutor: The prosecution will show that the defendant was taking money in exchange for sex at the Rainbow Burger drive-thru.
Patty: That's a lie! I wasn't taking money for sex, I was taking burgers for sex. And curly fries for a diddle and a pickle for a lookie.
[to the judge after receiving a $500 fine]
Patty: Any chance you want to take that $500 out in trade? I'll let you take a ride on the Patty wagon.
Earl Hickey: He's awake now so I threw him in the bath with a bar of soap.
Randy: What did he look like naked?
Earl Hickey: Kinda like ET when they found him by the river.
Randy: That poor little monkey, he just wanted to phone home.
Gwen's Dad: [to Randy, who is helping him get dressed by attempting to pull up his pants] You pull 'em up, I'll poop 'em!
Randy: I might have locked him in there with the keys.
Earl Hickey: That's all right, Randy. He won't get far. He doesn't know you're supposed to put your foot over the hole in the floor to keep the exhaust out.
Joy: [trips over a painting of "The Last Supper"] Dammit! Who left Jesus and his buddies down here?
Joy Turner: You cheatin' son of a bitch! You're supposed to say "Uno" when you only got one card left!
Earl Hickey: I said "One"!
Joy Turner: You're supposed to say "Uno"! It's a Mexican game!
Earl Hickey: Joy, this is why the kids won't play Candyland with you anymore.
Darnell Turner: [finding a hole in the wall behind a Last Supper picture] I can't believe there's a hole behind this picture. That's a relief... last week it was banging on the wall, and I thought Jesus was mad at me for putting that Darwin fish on the back of the car. Guess it was just windy.
Joy Turner: Oh, snap! Earl's drivers licence! I'm holding onto this for a rainy day.
Darnell Turner: Too bad it didn't thunder when you said that. That woulda been cool, like you're an evil genius or something.
Joy Turner: That would have been cool.
[holds the licence up and shouts]
Joy Turner: I'm holding on to this for a rainy day!
Darnell Turner: I think you need clouds to thunder.
Joy Turner: [gasps] Look at that bird up there! How the hell do they stay up there like that?
[Earl and Randy are watching a drunk man attempting to plug a lightbulb attached to an electrical cord into a tree]
Randy: I bet he's had twenty beers today. That's how many I had when I tried to plug the television into that dog.
Randy: Uh... before, when you said different cavity, did you mean butt cavity?
Earl: I'm afraid so, Randy.
Randy: [shaking head] Sometimes I don't like the world we live in.
Gwen Waters: Look, just forget about this okay. It's not your fault, you were just the straw that broke the camel's back.
Earl Hickey: But that's the thing: I'm the straw. Without the straw, the camel wouldn't have a broken back.
Gwen Waters: Yes, but if you remove the straw from the camel's back, that doesn't fix it. The camel is still dead.
[not knowing what to say, Earl pauses a bit to think]
Earl Hickey: Camels can go forty days without water.
Earl Hickey: [about two worms on the ground] Hey, that one looks kinda angry... maybe we should cut him in half and make him fight himself.
Randy Hickey: I don't think that'd work. If you cut me in half I wouldn't fight with my legs, I'd try to work with them and get us to a hospital.