Hot Rod (2007)
Andy Samberg: Rod Kimble
Rod Kimble : Hey, everybody! I got some awesome news. We have a new crew member today, Denise. So I thought it would be fun if we all went around and said our name and a little something about ourselves. I'll start. My name is Rod, and I like to party. All right, Dave, you're up.
Dave : Uh, hi. Uh, my name is Dave, and uh... I like to party.
Rod Kimble : Uh, no, Dave. I just said that I party, so maybe you could do something different from me.
Dave : My name is Dave, and I... am the stuntman.
Rod Kimble : You know what? Let's move on. Rico, you're up.
Rico : Uh, hello! I'm Rico, and I like to party.
Rod Kimble : Yeah, uh, Rico, what did I just say to Dave?
Rico : Who?
Rod Kimble : Dave!
Kevin Powell : I like to party. I'm Rod.
Rod Kimble : No! You're Kevin!
Kevin Powell : Right, Kevin. I party.
Rod Kimble : No, no, you don't. Okay, nobody parties but me.
Dave : Yes, and we party.
Rod Kimble : No!
Rico : Yeah, just Rod...
Rod Kimble : Yes!
Rico : ...and me!
Rod Kimble : No! I'm the only one who parties!
Kevin Powell : I'm pretty sure I've partied before.
Rod Kimble : No, Kevin, I know for a fact you don't party. Okay? You do not party!
Kevin Powell : You're right. Dave's the party guy.
Dave : Haha, sweet!
Rod Kimble : Oh, my God, shut up! Okay? I'm just gonna do it for you.
Denise : I'm sorry, Rod. What were you going to ask me?
Rod Kimble : Um, I was gonna ask you who you think would win in a fight between... a grilled cheese sandwich and a taco.
Denise : Is that what you were really going to ask me?
Rod Kimble : Of course.
Denise : Well, I think the grilled cheese sandwich - in a fair fight. But if it was prison rules, I'd put my money on the taco.
Rod Kimble : Wow, that's pretty racist but correct. I'll see you later.
Rod Kimble : Have fun being married to SATAN!
Rod Kimble : I used to be legit. I was too legit. I was too legit to quit. but now I'm not legit. I'm unlegit. And for that reason, I must quit.
Rod Kimble : I'd rather die than live in a world where I can't kick your ass.
Rod Kimble : [pronouncing the 'wh'] The safe word is "WHiskey."
Kevin Powell : Sorry, Rod, What was that?
Rod Kimble : [pronouncing the 'h'] "WHiskey"
Kevin Powell : [pronouncing it with a silent 'h'] Don't you mean "Whiskey?"
Rod Kimble : [pronouncing the 'h'] WHat?
Kevin Powell : You're saying it weird.
Rod Kimble : [pronouncing every W as WH] Saying WHat WHEird?
Kevin Powell : All of it.
Rod Kimble : [pronouncing the 'h']
Rod Kimble : WHere do you get off?
Kevin Powell : I just don't get why your saying it that way?
Rod Kimble : [pronouncing every W as WH] WHY I'm saying WHat *WHAT* WHay?
Kevin Powell : Forget it.
Rod Kimble : [pronouncing every W as WH] I WHill! I WHill forget it!
Rod Kimble : Hey, Denise, have I ever shown you a picture of my dead dad?
Denise : No.
Rod Kimble : Oh, you've gotta see it. He's super dead.
Denise : That's him? He looks so nice. He was a stuntman?
Rod Kimble : Oh, yeah. He used to work for Evel Knievel, testing his bikes before big jumps. He would do the jumps first to make sure they were safe and let Evel come in and get all the glory. After a while the old man said, "To hell with that. I want the credit I deserve." So one afternoon, he set out to jump ten milk trucks. He nailed the take-off, but when he landed, something terrible happened. His front tire exploded like a cannonball, and his handle bars went straight through his head. Blood was everywhere. His teeth were ground down to a powder, and the front of his face exploded out the back of his skull. He died instantly... the next day.
Dave : Hey, Rod, thanks for the ride.
[Rod sees a chunk of metal lodged in Dave's eye and they both scream]
Dave : Hey, buddy. How's it going?
Rod Kimble : Dave, what happened to your eye?
Dave : This? Is it really noticeable?
Rod Kimble : Yeah!
Dave : Is it really noticeable?
Rod Kimble : Yeah!
Dave : Oh, man, it's totally serendipitous. Well, I got off work early, and you know my buddy Derrick? Well he was like, "I've got this acid, but I can't do it." And I was all like, "Well, I'll do it." So I did it. And by the time I got on my banana board, man, I was... I was tripping balls pretty hard, man. So I decided to get on my bench grinder, and a piece of metal flew up and hit me right in the eye. It was pretty awesome. And that brings us to now.
Rod Kimble : Yeah, well, just try and relax.
Dave : Can do, man. Can do. I'm gonna be honest with you, Rod. You look like a giant eagle with fire all around you, and you've got a mountain for a face.
Rod Kimble : I'm guessing that's the drugs, Dave.
Dave : Yeah, but it's also just kind of weird seeing you drive this minivan.
Rod Kimble : Yeah, well, it's my mom's.
Dave : Balls, man! We just ran over a small bus. This really small bus, we just ran over it.
Rod Kimble : I didn't see anything.
Dave : Hey, we're here. Seriously, man, this is one of the top-ten nicest things anybody has ever done for me.
Rod Kimble : You have only to believe if you wish to achieve. That rhymed. Unintentional.
Rod Kimble : You're wrong, Frank. I'm not a kid, I'm a man. I am gonna get you better, and then I'm gonna beat you to death!
Rod Kimble : I needed to think about last night. So I galloped into a wooded glen, and after punch-dancing out my rage and suffering an extremely long and very painful fall, I realized what has to be done.
Denise : Who cares what anyone thinks?
Rod Kimble : You don't get it, do you Denise? I used to be legit. In fact, I was too legit. I was too legit to quit. But now I'm not legit. I'm un-legit. And for that reason I must quit.
Denise : You don't mean that.
Rod Kimble : Yeah, I do... Stay Sweet.
[Turns around and walks away]
Rod Kimble : Life is pain - we've got to scrape the joy from it every chance we get.
Rod Kimble : So, Denise, tell me about Jonathan. What's that dude all about?
Denise : Well, we've been going out for about a year.
Rod Kimble : Mhmm, and it's going well?
Denise : Yeah, yeah. I mean, every relationship has it's ups and downs, but...
Rod Kimble : Right. I've heard that. And he's a nice guy?
Denise : Oh, yeah. I mean, he's really smart. He's actually in line to become a junior partner at his law firm.
Rod Kimble : Right, totally. You guys should break up.
Denise : What?
Rod Kimble : Nothing. Hey, Dave's back!
Dave : You guys, the bathroom here is nuts!
Dave : Whatever happened to "Live as a team. Die as a team"?
Rod Kimble : It's a sham, okay? There's no such thing as a team. You live and die alone.
Rico : [to Rod] Do you see what you're doing to him? You're making him upset. How important is this to you, huh? I don't even cry, and look at me. You're about to make tears come out of my face.
Rico : Who am I supposed to build ramps for? Who am I supposed to build ramps for now?
Rod Kimble : [singing] Ohhh when you're going on a date, and you put on a shirt! And you ride your bike to the daaaaate!
Rod Kimble : [singing] Please believe, I do my laundry with no pants on!
Rod Kimble : I'm officially kicking off Phase Two: Operation Fiscal Jackhammer.
Rod Kimble : Frank, I'm going to get you better, you old sack of shit, and then I'm going to uncork the ass beating of a lifetime on you! And you will respect me! Peace!
Kevin Powell : Wow, Rod. I can't believe she said yes.
Rod Kimble : Yeah Kevin. You've only to believe if you wish to achieve. That rhymed. Unintentional.
Denise : Wow. She's really pretty, Rod.
Rod Kimble : I know, D. But it's more than that me and Kathy. It's emotional. She gets me.
Dave : Wow, Rod. I am just green with jealous rage right now!
Rod Kimble : Funky Fresh.
Rod Kimble : [after he wakes up from his out of body experience] Hoobastank!
Denise : Tai Chi teaches that if you focus your body and mind you'll be able to perform at the peak of your abilities.
Rod Kimble : Yes, sensei.
Denise : You don't have to call me sensei, Rod.
Rod Kimble : Got it. Sensei, I have a question: Is there a Tai Chi move that would make a grown man crap his pants and not know why?
Denise : I'm not gonna lie to you, Rod. That move does exist. But you're not ready for it yet.
Rod Kimble : Who wants to see me do a big-ass stunt?
Rod Kimble : We don't talk much, do we? Kathy, was it? My name's Rod. I do awesome stunts all the time with my friends. You probably didn't know that. And you probably have lots of cool stuff about you that I don't know. Point is, if you don't sit down with someone and really talk and get to know them you'll never find those things out. So what do you say? Wanna make this thing official?
Rod Kimble : What's going on? Is this some sort of interactive theatre art piece?