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"The Simpsons" Homer the Heretic (TV Episode 1992) Poster

(TV Series)

(1992)

Quotes

Showing all 21 items

Rev. Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous.

Apu: Hindu. There are seven hundred million of us.

Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super.

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Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "The foolish man who built his house upon the sand."

Homer: [pointing a finger] And you remember

[thinks]

Homer: Matthew... 21:17.

Reverend Lovejoy: [confused] "And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?"

Homer: Yeah. Think about it.

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Bart: Hey, where's Homer?

Marge: Your father is... resting.

Bart: "Resting" hung over? "Resting" got fired? Help me out here.

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Lisa Simpson: [In church] Our Father, Who art in Heaven...

Bart: Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place!

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Homer Simpson: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?

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God: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico.

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Homer: [dozing while the fire spreads] Marge, turn down the heat?

[pause, nothing happens]

Homer: That's better!

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Homer: [In bed] Ah. I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun. I never want to leave this bed. Uh oh. Gotta take a whiz. Think, man, think. Think, think, think! I better get up.

[Homer is in the bathroom, urinating]

Homer: I'm whizzing with the door open and I love it!

[Homer is in the shower]

Homer: [singing] Why, oh, why! Delight!

[washes his face]

Homer: [He turns on the radio in the shower]

KBBL DJ #1: It's eleven KBBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm.

Homer: You bet your sweet...

[looks around]

Homer: ... ass!

[laughs]

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Marge: I have a responsibility to raise these children right and, unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked.

Homer: [to Lisa and Bart] Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was...

[thinks]

Homer: I forget. But the point is...

[thinks]

Homer: I forget that, too.

[to Marge]

Homer: Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car.

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[Homer pooh-poohs churchgoing]

Marge: Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.

Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...

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Homer: Ah, another beautiful day in the womb.

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Homer: [watching "The Three Stooges" on TV] Moe is their leader.

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Homer: Lord, I have to ask you something: What's the meaning of life?

God: Oh Homer, I can't tell you that! You'll find out when you die.

Homer: But I can't wait that long!

God: You can't wait six months?

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Marge: Get up, Homer. It's time for church.

Homer: I don't want to go.

Marge: It's church. You have to go.

Homer: Too cold out!

[We see outside the window. It is a blizzard. A polar bear is digging through the garbage. He pulls out a fish and leaves]

Marge: I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday! Get dressed!

[She throws Homer's pants on Homer]

Homer: Oh! Stupid, itchy church pants!

[Homer is downstairs, messing with his pants]

Homer: "One size fits all," my butt!

Marge: Come on! We're going to be late!

[Homer pulls up his pants. They rip]

Homer: Forget it. I'm not going.

[Homer walks upstairs, revealing his posterior]

Marge: [Groans]

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Homer: What's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday?... and what if we've picked the wrong religion? Every week we're just making god madder and madder.

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Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.

Homer: Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.

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[doorbell rings; Homer answers the door to Krusty]

Krusty the Clown: Hello, I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of seventy-five Jewish clowns. The worst incident was outside our convention in Lubbock, Texas.

[choking up]

Krusty the Clown: There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere!

[sobs]

Krusty the Clown: It was terrible...!

Homer: Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing?

Krusty the Clown: A religious clown thing, yes.

Homer: Sorry.

Krusty the Clown: Well, bless you anyw...

[Homer shuts the door on him]

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Homer: [phones work from Moe's bar] Hello work. I won't be in tomorrow. Religious holiday. The holiday of...

[sees a sign on the wall]

Homer: maximum occupancy.

Moe Syzlack.: Pretty slick.

Homer: You should join my religion Moe. It's great. No Heaven. No Hell.

Moe Syzlack.: Sorry Homer.

[lifts his hands which are covered in band-aids and bites]

Moe Syzlack.: I was born a snake-handler, and I'll die a snake-handler.

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Homer: I'm sorry. I can't come in today. Religious holiday. The feast of... Maximum Occupancy.

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[on Sunday, the church doors are frozen shut by the blizzard outside; as the congregation waits, Willie applies a blowtorch]

Reverend Lovejoy: How's it going, Willie?

Groundskeeper Willie: Miracles are your department, Reverend!

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[on Sunday, the heat in the church has broken down during a blizzard outside]

Reverend Lovejoy: [reading] "... and he was cast into the fiery cauldron of Hell! The searing heat, the scalding rivers of molten sulfur...!"

[the congregation, eyes closed, smile blissfully]

Bart: Ahh... I'm there.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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