Mayor Anita Massengil: My fellow Malibu Adjacenters, today an open-mouthed kissing booth was blown up. Or for you people in the trailer park, blowed up.
B.J. Cummings: [understanding] Oh!
Prison Guard: How many times I gotta tell you, don't call me "Screw".
'Divine Rod' Petrie: I wasn't calling you Screw. I was just remembering the good old days on the outside when that's what I used to do for a living.
'Divine Rod' Petrie: Do you know who I am? My given name is Rod Petrie, but I was reborn. I am the Divine Rod. I used to have a cult of twenty of God's hottest creatures. People used to pay to see me bang 'em on the Internet.
Prison Guard: So what happened?
'Divine Rod' Petrie: Well, I'll tell you what happened. I was right in the middle of a highly spiritual pay-per-view event. Just about to pop a smokin' virgin named B.J. when out of nowhere...
Notch Johnson: [flashback] That's far enough, cult leader!
'Divine Rod' Petrie: It's Notch Johnson. He ruined everything! But as Isaiah said to Thomas, "My kingdom shall riseth from the asheths." See, I'm gonna get that Notch Johnson. I'm gonna get my sweet B.J. I'm gonna get my cult back. And then I'm gonna get my funk on.
Mayor Anita Massengil: [at Chip's open-mouthed kissing booth] I can't wait for our tongues to meet.
Kody Massengil: I'll let you know what it's like.
Mayor Anita Massengil: Now, now, Kody, darling. Your dear mother goes first.
Kody Massengil: On this line, you are not my mother. You're an embarrassing older woman.
Mayor Anita Massengil: Why, you little bitch!
'Divine Rod' Petrie: [interrupting the Mayor's TV address] Hello, friends, the Divine Rod here. Are you wondering who bombed your stupid little carnival today? It was me, getting even.
Notch Johnson: I wonder what he wants.
'Divine Rod' Petrie: I want $1 million, a boat, and no one follows me.
Mayor Anita Massengil: Do you think he means business?
'Divine Rod' Petrie: To show that I mean business, you can expect another explosion soon. Take that, Notch Johnson. For now, this is the Divine Rod saying goodbye, farewell, Auf Wiedershen, farewell.
'Divine Rod' Petrie: Ever since you stopped me from snatching the prize from B.J.'s Cracker Jack box... "Little Rod" hasn't worked.
Notch Johnson: You mean you can't fly the flag? Raise the bridge? Salute the general? Your pasta's overcooked?
'Divine Rod' Petrie: [frustrated growl] Yes! Now give me my money!
Notch Johnson: Sure. Here's your money.
[he opens a briefcase, and Rod is hit with dye from a dye pack]
'Divine Rod' Petrie: Oh, my god! I'm bluish!
Notch Johnson: Well, if it isn't the Divine Rod. No doubt calling from jail.
'Divine Rod' Petrie: I'm not in jail, you moron.
Notch Johnson: What?
'Divine Rod' Petrie: Oh, and thanks for sending me B.J. Oh, she's just what I needed for my little big problem.
Notch Johnson: You'd better not lay a hand on that dish, Petrie. So what do you want this time?
'Divine Rod' Petrie: In sixty minutes, I want five million, in cash, and a jet with enough fuel to get me to Cuba.
Notch Johnson: Sixty minutes? I'll need at least an hour.
'Divine Rod' Petrie: Vengeance is mine, sayeth Tracieth Lords. And my vengeance is moments away, B.J.
B.J. Cummings: [muffled through her gag] No, please don't.
'Divine Rod' Petrie: Hey, now... I think my serpent is ready to enter your Garden of Eden.