Dave: Hey I have an idea. I'll give up coffee, if you give up cigarettes. Huh? We'll go through this together.
Bill: But you should have to give up something of equal difficulty. Like going to the bathroom.
Dave: I'm Bill, we are now officially a non-smoking office. What you are doing can be punishable by a 100 dollar fine.
Bill: You're kidding.
Dave: No, I am not kidding.
[Bill hands Dave a $100 bill]
Dave: Bill that's not how it's supposed to work. Now put that out.
Bill: It smells like an ashtray when I pee. Is there anything you can do to help with that?
Dave: Gosh, I hope not.
Bill: [drinking coffee in Dave's office] You don't mind, do ya?
Dave: Oh, no, gosh no, Bill, please enjoy!
Bill: Ah, the ol' Java Jive. Chock Full o' Nuts? They should call it Chock Full o' Flavor!
Dave: Here Bill I want you to put one of these on your back.
[Takes a nicotine patch out of a paper bag]
Bill: What is it?
Dave: It's the patch.
Lisa: Don't you need a prescription for those?
Dave: Yeah, I went to my doctor this morning and had him prescribe them for me.
Lisa: But you don't smoke.
Dave: Yeah, but I told him that I was thinking about starting. You know, I don't think he's a very good doctor.
Dave: I just didn't realize the Patch had side effects.
Bill: And I didn't know you're only supposed to wear one at a time.
Dave: [surprised] How many did you have on, Bill?
Bill: Fifteen, sixteen. Had 'em going around my waist like a little belt.
Jimmy: I support fire safety. But you see those sprinklers up there? They're not hooked up to anything. I paid a guy off and had my nephew come in and super-glue them to the ceiling. New York, New York it's a hell of a town.
Jimmy: You know I thank God everyday that we're not a TV station.
[Bill has returned from an overnight stay in the hospital]
Jimmy: Hey there. How you feeling?
Bill: Good, thanks.
Jimmy: Feel like suing the station?
Jimmy: Good... I gotta go.
Dave: Mr. James, I didn't see you come in.
Jimmy: Yeah, I like it that way. Like that magician...
Dave: David Copperfield?
Jimmy: That's the one.
Dave: Hey Bill, I'm your friend.
Bill: Oh yeah? Where were you last night at 3 A.M. when I was watching Steel Magnolias and crying my eyes out?