Dr. Cameron: [messing with Chase's head] Sex *could* kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it *unbelievably* fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. You know that women can have an hour long orgasm?
Dr. Gregory House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. Gregory House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.
Dr. Gregory House: [House turns to face Dr. Cuddy] That is true, isn't it?
Dr. Gregory House: [He turns back to the crowd] But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And, no, I do not have a pain management problem. I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
Dr. Gregory House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[Everybody raises their hands]
Dr. Gregory House: Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Men should grow up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.
Dr. James Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.
Dr. Gregory House: You think it's gonna come out on its own? Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? 'Cause, actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem: it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff? You're gonna rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.
Jerry Morris: How did you...?
Dr. Gregory House: We've been here for half an hour. You haven't sat down; that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is; that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdie carved under your arm; that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it's not hemorrhoids. I've been a doctor twenty years, you're not gonna surprise me.
Jerry Morris: It's an MP3 player.
Dr. Gregory House: Is it... is it because of the size, or the shape, or is it the pounding bass line?
Dr. Gregory House: Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything.
Dr. Gregory House: It was so perfect. It was beautiful.
Dr. James Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
Dr. Gregory House: And triteness kicks us in the nuts!
[House argues with Cuddy to get out of clinic duty]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's not gonna work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable. It's a game, and I'm gonna win because I got a head start: You are already miserable.