Dr. Gregory House : [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. Gregory House : This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.
Dr. Gregory House : [House turns to face Dr. Cuddy] That is true, isn't it?
Dr. Gregory House : [He turns back to the crowd] But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And, no, I do not have a pain management problem. I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
Dr. Gregory House : And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[Everybody raises their hands]
Dr. Gregory House : Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
[House argues with Cuddy to get out of clinic duty]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : It's not gonna work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable. It's a game, and I'm gonna win because I got a head start: You are already miserable.