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"The Dick Van Dyke Show" Go Tell the Birds and the Bees (TV Episode 1965) Poster

Quotes

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Sally Rogers: Well, I see Mel was pretty busy today. Boy, look at all these phone messages.

Rob Petrie: How do you know Mel took the messages.

Sally Rogers: Well, because they're in three neat piles: his, hers, its.

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Rob Petrie: What's wrong?

Laura Petrie: Well, it seems that Ritchie has been giving lectures to the other children.

Rob Petrie: What kind of lectures?

Laura Petrie: On the facts of life.

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Sally Rogers: Listen, when my folks told me about the birds and bees, you know I couldn't look at a jar of honey without gettin' a rash.

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Buddy Sorrell: My folks told me some dopey story about flowers. I spent a week tryin' to get a kid brother out of a geranium.

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[Ritchie gets a phone call from a girl classmate; Rob and Laura eavesdrop thinking he's now giving out information on human reproduction from home]

Ritchie Petrie: Hi, Debbie. Huh? But I told you this morning. Weren't you listenin'? Oh, okay, but it's the last time I'm gonna tell ya. The whole thing takes two or three months. Huh? Yeah, I know Freddie had to wait almost a year, but that's 'cause his family don't eat any cereal.

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Dr. Gormsley: I'm awfully sorry I was late. I was in the principal's office.

Rob Petrie: [grinning] The principal? What'd you do?

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Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah, listen, when I was Ritchie's age I was much younger.

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Dr. Gormsley: [reading Ritchie's version of reproduction] When a mommy and a daddy want a baby, they put a silver dollar under their pillow when they go to sleep at night.

Laura Petrie: A silver dollar under their pillow?

Rob Petrie: Oh, boy.

Dr. Gormsley: And when they wake up and find the silver dollar is gone, they know that Mr. Cabbage has been there.

Laura Petrie: Mr. Cabbage?

Dr. Gormsley: Mr. Cabbage takes the silver dollar to Esmeralda the queen tomato, and in front of the other vegetables...

Dr. Gormsley and Rob: [together] ... three broccolis and a radish...

Rob Petrie: [alone] ... Esmeralda plants a baby seed in a magic garden saying, "Starlight, star bright, we're gonna grow a baby tonight."

Laura Petrie: Rob!

Dr. Gormsley: Then this IS familiar to you, Mr. Petrie.

Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah, yeah. And on a... on a bright and sunny morning, nestled in a... in a nest of, uh, lettuce leaves, is a beautiful pink pumpkin.

Laura Petrie: A pink pumpkin?

Rob Petrie: Well, if it's a girl. Boys come in blue pumpkins.

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Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!

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Rob Petrie: It's just that, Rich, there's a little confusion about what you're tellin' the kids at school; I'd like to clear it up if I can.

Ritchie Petrie: Oh, you mean about the babies and all that stuff.

Laura Petrie: Yeah, that... that's right, dear.

Ritchie Petrie: But I didn't tell 'em what you told me not to tell.

Rob Petrie: Well, who told you what to tell 'em?

Ritchie Petrie: Nobody. I made it up.

Laura Petrie: You made it up?

Ritchie Petrie: Yeah. Grampa's story about Mr. Cabbage was silly.

Rob Petrie: Well, right, right.

Ritchie Petrie: And your story about the eggs and everything made a lot of sense.

Rob Petrie: Of course it did.

Ritchie Petrie: But you said I shouldn't tell that story to anybody.

Rob Petrie: Right again.

Ritchie Petrie: So I had to make one up.

Laura Petrie: Well, why, Rich? Why did you have to make up ANY story?

Ritchie Petrie: Because the kids like me to tell stories - and I'm good at it, like Daddy.

Rob Petrie: How do you like THAT?

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Ritchie Petrie: What about bears?

Rob Petrie: What about 'em?

Ritchie Petrie: Don't they fall in love and get married?

Rob Petrie: Well... y-yes, in a manner of speaking, they do, Rich.

Ritchie Petrie: How about a fox and a rabbit?

Rob Petrie: A fox and a rabbit. No. Uh, R... they can't, Rich. They can't. Certain, um... Rich, there're just certain animals that-that don't get along together. You see, it wouldn't... it wouldn't make sense for them to get married, see?

Ritchie Petrie: How about Millie and Jerry? The got married.

Rob Petrie: Well... that's a little different, uh, Rich. M-Millie and Jerry love each other, really. It's just they like to... to show it at the top of their lungs, that's all.

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