Larry David: Thanks so much for stopping. Man oh man, I've been so lost, I mean I've been driving around for a half hour here, I'm just trying to get back to, um, to the freeway, to L.A...
Brian: You don't recognize me, do you?
Larry David: No...
Brian: From the driving range, the other day? You're the, uh, you're the guy from the driving range. I was right behind you on the range...
Larry David: Oh, right! Right! Wow!
Brian: ...right, and you wouldn't help me out with the ball? The range ball, it fell and you wouldn't help me out with the ball...
Larry David: The ball? Oh, no no no... you know what? My back was killing me that day, I couldn't bend down.
Brian: Oh, your back was... I didn't pick up on that because you were hitting the ball so well, you were swinging great...
Larry David: No, that's *twisting*. I could twist, I couldn't bend.
Brian: Ohh, ah, OK, right... difference, yeah. Two different things.
Larry David: It's a *big* difference, really. Oh my God, you must have thought I was such an asshole.
Brian: Well I... you know, I didn't know why you wouldn't help me with the ball.
Larry David: Oh god, what kind of prick doesn't pick up somebody's ball.
Brian: I thought you could help out a little bit, but... I understand.
Larry David: You know what, I would have picked up the ball in a second if I could bend down.
Brian: It's your back, it was your back, right.
Larry David: Completely. I'm sorry. I apologize.
Brian: Sure. No, I understand, I understand. It's OK, it's alright.
Larry David: Wait a second... are you going to Gil's party?
Brian: Yeah that's why I'm... you know Gil? Oh, from the club, you must know Gil? I'm old friends with Gil, yeah, we... buddies for a long time.
Larry David: So, uh, can I follow you over there?
Brian: Should you be going to the party with your back? I mean, can you bend over, can you bend with your back?
Larry David: [warily] Yeah...
Brian: Well then maybe you should just bend over and kiss my ass, and maybe next time you'll remember to uh, pick up the fucking golf ball.
Gil: You know what tabasco's good for? Keep you hard. Yeah. Only you gotta stick it up your ass. I'll tell you how I find out about that... I was doing a scene and it was supposed to be a two girl scene, right?
Gil: You mind if I, uh... you don't mind?...
Cheryl David: [uncomfortably] Oh... your house...
Gil: I mean, you guys have heard half these stories, you guys are all right... so I'm doing this scene, it's supposed to be two girls, and I keep waiting, we keep waiting for the other girl to show up, and I'm fucking this girl for three hours...
[all the guests laugh except Larry and Cheryl]
Gil: ...mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, pounding, pounding, for hours and hours and hours, and then all of a sudden after a couple hours, it feels like some chick's teabagging me, right?
Gil's Wife: [referring to Cheryl] Yeah, you should fill her in on teabagging, though. I'm sure she'd... maybe you do, maybe you don't...
Gil: You know what teabagging is? When a woman sucks your balls, she's teabagging you...
Gil's Wife: Or a man...
Gil: But um... so I feel that and I think that other girl's shown up. And then I feel her fingers on my balls, and I'm not even looking, I'm just so... I'm half asleep. But I turn around, it's not the girl, it is the biggest crew guy we got is playing with my balls!
[all are laughing except Larry and Cheryl]
Gil: And my wood starts going down, you know? And I haven't even shot yet! And, and, and I go, "I'm going down, going down!" And this guy goes "I'll take care of it." He runs over to the craft service table, he comes back, his finger is red. STICKS it up my ass, TABASCO sauce, YOWWW!
[all roaring with laughter except Larry and Cheryl]
Gil: And I stayed hard for another two hours, because all the blood just goes... ohhhh...
Gil's Wife: I've been begging him to let us use it.
Gil: I was renowned for being able to stay hard, for hours. That's what I could do. I wasn't the biggest, right, but I could stay hard the longest.
Gil's Wife: OK, everyone, let's have a little dessert, everyone please in the other room, bring your glasses, but leave your plates, please do not touch your plates.
[all the guests depart except Larry and a disgusted-looking Cheryl]
Cheryl David: [emphatically] I want to go home, *now*.
Larry David: Maybe we could stop and pick up some tabasco.