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"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" The Replacement (TV Episode 2000) Poster

Quotes

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Riley Finn: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am, like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just on fire, goin' crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content. Just knows, this is the one... But she doesn't love me.

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[Xander is split into two persons that can't exist without each other]

Buffy: If Xander kills himself, he's dead.

[Riley gives her a funny look]

Buffy: You know what I mean.

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Riley: Getting nostalgic?

Xander Harris: I don't know. At first, it's just a place. And then you start to make memories, and then you're like... that's where Spike slept, and there, that's where Anya and I drowned the Sepavro demon. Oh! And right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out... I really hate this place.

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[there are two Xanders]

Buffy: They're kinda the same now.

Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.

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Rupert Giles: I said, "Oh, dear Lord."

Buffy Summers: You always say that.

Rupert Giles: Well, it's always important.

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Riley Finn: Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous.

Rupert Giles: [looking in a book] Toth.

Rupert Giles: What?

Buffy Summers: He called you a toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron.

Rupert Giles: No. Toth is the name of the demon.

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Rupert Giles: He had a very specific... olfactory presence.

Xander Harris: Well, I guess we're off to the old factory. I hate that place.

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[Anya wants to keep the two Xanders apart to have a threesome together]

Anya: It's not like it'd be cheating... They're both Xander.

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Xander Harris: A demon. A demon has taken my life from me and he's living it better than I do.

Willow Rosenberg: Uh... well, we're working on it. There has to be a way to get to Buffy to un-hypnotise her. I'll find a spell to snap her out of it.

Xander Harris: Right. Whatever.

Willow Rosenberg: Xander, you sound a little... You have to help me figure this out, you know.

Xander Harris: But I never help. I get in trouble, and Buffy saves me.

Willow Rosenberg: That's not true! Sometimes we all help to save you.

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[Willow comes into her room. Two seconds later, Xander rushes in]

Xander Harris: [panicked] Don't be scared, Wil. Just listen. It's me, Xander. And I can prove it.

Willow Rosenberg: [confused] Um... Okay.

Xander Harris: Let's see. Stuff only you and me know... Okay! On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me.

[laughs slightly before returning to the panicked state]

Xander Harris: For a while last year, I thought I was lactose intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! Every Christmas we watch "Charlie Brown" together, and I do the Snoopy dance.

[he does the dance. Willow watches, now with a little worried look as Xander gets more and more manic]

Willow Rosenberg: Xander, stop dancing.

Xander Harris: Aha! You called me Xander!

Willow Rosenberg: Xander, shut up! Why wouldn't I think you were Xander?

Xander Harris: Oh. Huh.

Willow Rosenberg: What's going on?

Xander Harris: Okay. I woke up in the dump this morning.

Willow Rosenberg: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It-It's more like a really nice hovel.

Xander Harris: No. The dump. The city dump. I got hit last night. Fall down, boom. Woke up this morning.

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Xander Harris: I'm just... another great humiliation. And this time, it's even worse. This demon, he's, like, taking my life, and everyone's treating him... Everyone's treating him like a grown-up. Wil, I'm starting to feel like...

Willow Rosenberg: Like what?

Xander Harris: Like... he's doing everything better. He's smarter and... I don't know. Maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please.

Willow Rosenberg: Xander, no! You-you're just tired and, and all soggy. That's why it seems so hard, but you can't let him just take your whole existence.

Xander Harris: Why not? It's not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the Pearly Gates, I'm sure the guy's not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic-book collection. Come on in."

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Anya: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and, you know... we can all have sex together, and then, um, you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.

Xander Double: She's joking!

Xander Harris: No she's not! She entirely wants to hae sex with us together, which is... wrong... and... and it would be very confusing.

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Rupert Giles: Er, um, we just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.

Willow Rosenberg: Check. Candles and pretense.

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[Buffy is commenting on a kung fu movie]

Buffy Summers: Oh, give me a break! Uh! This is all wrong. See, first you would get the big guy, like, a flying kick, then you would take out the little ones, bam, bam! See? Now with the flying kick. From a dead stop. What's powering it? Raw enthusiasm?

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[Riley is staring at the two Xanders]

Riley: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them?

[Giles and Buffy glare at him]

Riley: Just me then...

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Xander Harris: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start lookin' for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They had one-bedrooms, right?

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Willow: Ooh! There's a microwave! It would be like having hot and cold running popcorn.

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Xander Harris: So you bought the Magic Shop, and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "We Told You So" symphony?

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Buffy Summers: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from "A" to "Z". From ax to... zee other ax.

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[Xander, Anya, Riley and Buffy are watching a kung-fu movie]

Xander: Incompetently dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.

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[first lines]

Xander Harris: I wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission.

Anya: We thing the cat peed on it.

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Buffy Summers: He ran away, huh?

Rupert Giles: Um... sort of more, uh... turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. He said I didn't concern him.

Buffy Summers: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe.

Rupert Giles: Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.

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Rupert Giles: Ancient demon. Very strong. Last survivor of the Tothric clan. It also says that for a demon, he's unusually sophisticated.

Buffy Summers: Sophisticated. So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off?

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Buffy Summers: The city dump, where smells go to relax and be themselves.

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[last lines]

Buffy Summers: You got something else for me to carry?

Riley Finn: Uh, you can help me pack this.

Buffy Summers: Sure.

[they kiss]

Buffy Summers: Mmm... Sure.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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