Alan Partridge (2013)
Alan Partridge: We're asking, what is the worst monger? Iron, fish... rumour... or war?
Alan Partridge: You can keep Jesus Christ. That was Neil Diamond... truly the 'King of the Jews'.
Police Officer: And do you suffer from any nervous conditions such as panic attacks?
Alan Partridge: (snorts) Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? I had one panic attack at the car wash, it was a perfect storm of no sleep, uh no wife and angry brushes whirling towards me and by the time the hairdryer came on, I was in the footwell.
Police Officer: Identify yourself!
Alan Partridge: Alan Partridge! Who the f- Alan Partridge! You know who I am, I've not been off TV for that long! Identify yourself.
Pat Farrell: I came to this pier once with Molly...
Alan Partridge: Happy times!
Pat Farrell: ...I came to scatter her ashes.
Alan Partridge: Maybe not so happy.
Police Officer: [reading from transcript of radio conversation] 01:00 Partridge: I wish this was abroad because it would make a brilliant 'Banged Up Abroad'
Police Officer: Farrell: What's 'Banged Up Abroad'?
Police Officer: Partridge: You don't know 'Banged Up Abroad'?
Police Officer: Farrell: No
Police Officer: Partridge: Everyone knows 'Banged Up Abroad'
Police Officer: Farrell: I don't, what is 'Banged Up Abroad'
Police Officer: Partridge: You seriously don't know 'Banged Up Abroad'? You have to be shitting me
Police Officer: Farrell: I've never even heard of 'Banged Up Abroad'
Policewoman: Just get to the bit where they stop saying 'Banged Up Abroad'
Police Officer: Sidekick Simon: I once banged up a broad
Police Officer: Partridge: That's the best you've got, even with a gun to your head?
Policewoman: He's got a gun to his head?
Alan Partridge: [hiding in a bus' septic tank] Yes, Pat, is it bizarre. It is, and was, a failed escape attempt. A sort of, 'Shit-Shank Redemption', if you will.
Alan Partridge: I would've taken it off sooner, but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child... just passed his details on to the social services...
Steve Stubbs: Alan! Read my lips. Now, if you jeopardize the safety of any of my men, or any of those hostages inside that building because you've not been listening to me; I will take off this police uniform and I will make you pay for it.
Alan Partridge: You want me to buy your police uniform off you?
Pat Farrell: The angels came and carried Molly away.
Simon: [looks at photo of Molly] There must have been quite a few angels.
Alan Partridge: Never, never criticize Muslims; only, only Christians. And Jews a little bit.
Alan Partridge: People sack people, people people please people.
Alan Partridge: Get rid of her, Lynn, she's a drunk and a racist! I'll tolerate one, but not both.
Alan Partridge: Go to your muster stations... it's Bryan Ferry.
Side Kick Simon: We've got a text here from Joy in Diss who says "An easy way to solve the problems in Israel"
Alan Partridge: A thorny issue
Side Kick Simon: "would be for Judaism and Islam to merge."
Alan Partridge: Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath.
Side Kick Simon: Well, they both hate pigs.
Alan Partridge: True enough.
Side Kick Simon: You could call it Jislam.