Get Smart (2008)
Steve Carell: Maxwell Smart
Maxwell Smart : Chief I have to say this whole thing really stems my plans. I can not get over the fact that 23 is a traitor.
The Chief : Sand trap.
[they crash through a sand dune]
Maxwell Smart : Now I know how you must have felt when you thought I was a traitor, it is demoralizing!
The Chief : Tractor.
[they crash over a tractor]
Maxwell Smart : Argh, I don't know how I missed it, I am usually very observant.
The Chief : Swordfish!
[they crash right into a swordfish]
Maxwell Smart : [car comes to a stop] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The Chief : I don't know. Were you thinking, "Holy shit, holy shit, a swordfish almost went through my head"? If so, then yes.
Maxwell Smart : Am I wearing boxers? For future reference, I usually prefer briefs for their security and peace of mind. Going free-bird is not exactly ideal. I don't like it.
[Max is using the toilet and listening in on two henchmen conversing by the sinks. He flushes the toilet and walks over to them]
Maxwell Smart : You know what? I will tell you, I love your country! No more communism, no rules of any kind, really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I ever had!
[an alarm on his watch goes off]
Maxwell Smart : Time to take my pill...
[leaves and returns to his and 99's table]
Maxwell Smart : There was a guy in the bathroom who's really hot.
Agent 99 : Okay, well...
Maxwell Smart : No, no, no, radioactive hot. Although, yes, he did have a certain rugged quality that some found appealing.
Bruce : [as Max is escaping] Turn around slowly.
Maxwell Smart : [turns around to find Bruce and Lloyd coming around the corner with forced angry facial expressions and Bruce holding a gun] Guys, you have to believe me I am not a double agent.
Lloyd : We never thought you were.
Bruce : Yeah, we love you, man.
Maxwell Smart : Then what's with the firearm and the freak-show expression?
Bruce : For the security camera. If it looks like we let you go, we'd totally get fired.
Maxwell Smart : [looks up at the camera then looks back] Got it.
[Burce and Lloyd shuffle forward stiffly and regain fighting stances and angry expressions]
Maxwell Smart : Where are the Chief and 99?
Bruce : They flew to L.A. to talk to the President.
Maxwell Smart : I need to get out of here before someone else comes to stop me.
Bruce : I suggest you overpower us.
Maxwell Smart : Good idea. Bruce I will smash you in the face.
Bruce : [rather pleasantly] Thank you.
Maxwell Smart : Lloyd, I will simulate your disembowelment.
Lloyd : [whimpers slightly]
Maxwell Smart : Ready? One...
Maxwell Smart : Not yet! I haven't punched you yet. React when I punch you.
Bruce : [regains firearm] Oh, yeah.
Maxwell Smart : One, two, three.
[punches to the left but Bruce falls to his left]
Maxwell Smart : Wrong way.
Lloyd : OK, wait. You should know sometimes I faint.
Maxwell Smart : I'm not actually going to hit you.
Lloyd : No, but when I see blood, or talk about blood, or think about blood...
Maxwell Smart : There will be no blood. Hang in there. Hang in, buddy.
Lloyd : [faints]
[Max and 99 are six miles outside of Smolensk, walking along a dirt road]
Maxwell Smart : Okay, not to keep dwelling on this, but that was some kiss. How did you know that would work? Have you kissed other men who then plummeted to their deaths?
Agent 99 : Okay, okay! You know what, so far our entire "partnership" has consisted of me getting you out of trouble! Do you know why? It is because you keep leading!
Maxwell Smart : Well...
Agent 99 : So here's how we stop that: I lead now! I'm the one with field experience, and you know nothing!
Maxwell Smart : I beg to differ!
[99 starts walking away]
Maxwell Smart : I looked up your field agent exam, and I scored...
Agent 99 : My *what*?
Maxwell Smart : Your field agent exam! I scored eight points higher than you did! That is the difference between an A+ and an A-!
Agent 99 : [at the same time] This is not a classroom! This is real! You are really going to get yourself killed if you don't listen to me!
Maxwell Smart : ...A-!
[beat; 99 glares at Max]
Agent 99 : Okay. Okay, you're faced with an assassin. What do you do?
Maxwell Smart : I take out my gun...
[pulls his gun out of its holster]
Maxwell Smart : ... and I would shoot-
[as Max raises his weapon in front of him, 99 snatches it from him and points it at his head]
Agent 99 : You don't have a gun.
Maxwell Smart : I did until you took it!
Agent 99 : "Bang", you're dead!
Maxwell Smart : No, I'm not.
[99 points the gun at Max's heart]
Agent 99 : "Bang", you're dead!
Maxwell Smart : Stop shooting me.
Agent 99 : You are dead!
[points the gun at spots all over Max's upper body]
Agent 99 : Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
Maxwell Smart : I don't like it when you shoot me! Stop it. Stop shooting me! You've already said I was-
[99 sticks Max's gun back into his pants]
Maxwell Smart : Hey.
Agent 99 : [quietly] Throw out your manual. I hear there are no grades. There's only "dead" and "not dead".
Maxwell Smart : You know, I am not completely incompetent without a gun. I am a master in the art of Choi Kwang-Do.
[gets into a warm-up stance, at which point 99 backhands him across the face]
Maxwell Smart : I was not ready!
Agent 99 : That's my point.
Maxwell Smart : You know what-
[99 slaps him again]
Maxwell Smart : Hey! What was that?
Bakery Counter Woman : Free rugelach?
Maxwell Smart : No thank you. I am here for something else.
Bakery Counter Woman : Bread?
Maxwell Smart : Something hot.
Bakery Counter Woman : We have rolls that just came out.
Maxwell Smart : Even hotter. Much, much hotter.
Bakery Counter Woman : I already have boyfriend.
Maxwell Smart : All right...
Bakery Counter Woman : Although, I could make exception.
Maxwell Smart : No, that's OK.
Bakery Counter Woman : Sure? Flour sacks in back very comfortable.
Maxwell Smart : I don't think we are on the same page.
Maxwell Smart : [given a blanket] Oh good, the itchy kind, my favorite, does this one also have small pox? And that was a human tooth...
Maxwell Smart : [gets his nose caught in a door] Ow! You gotta be kidding me!
Maxwell Smart : A total guess. Yes, it was.
Larabee : Hey, Maxine! Why don't you come over here and we'll play a little game I like to call: 'Let's Go to the Dog Show'! I put a collar on you and make you my bi... AH!
[gets shot in the crotch with a paintball by Max]
Larabee : [while groaning, to 91] I think I really got inside head.
Maxwell Smart : [to 23] I am not proud of what I just did.
CONTROL Agent : [when gets shot by Max with a paintball] Missed me! Hahaha!
[gets shot rapidly with paintballs by 23]
CONTROL Agent : Alright! Alright! I'm out!
Agent 23 : He was lying Max. It was a good shot.
Maxwell Smart : Thanks. I am so sick of training. I wanna get out into the field.
Agent 91 : Give it up 23! It's just you and Maxi-pad against the six of us!
Maxwell Smart : [sarcastically] Oh, gee, Maxi-pad. I've never heard that one before!
[less sarcastically to 23]
Maxwell Smart : I never have actually heard that one before.
Maxwell Smart : I have obtained a snippet, at great risk to a bus boy in Balad.
[Men start speaking in Punjab on a recording which Max is translating]
Maxwell Smart : "Aftab, how is your coffee?"
Maxwell Smart : "Good, Dalip, it's decaf. How is yours?"
Maxwell Smart : "It is good, also. How is your muffin?"
Maxwell Smart : Powerful stuff
The Chief : So "muffin", then, is a code word?
Maxwell Smart : No, it is comfort food... and quite frankly much more fattening than most people realize. Which begs the question... why would two hardened KAOS agents... risk the carbs?
Maxwell Smart : Because they are under a great deal of stress.
Agent 23 : Hence the decaf.
Maxwell Smart : For Aftab yes. Dalip takes his full-strength. Why? Because he has been sleeping on the couch for three days... because he called his sister-in-law a "leathery hag".
Larabee : You know, people often say things in anger they don't really mean. Leathery hag, fat cow, ungrateful whore. Just words really, that shouldn't be used against you in a custody hearing.
Agent 91 : Let it go, man, those kids don't even look like you.
The Chief : Can we put a pen in this, please... and go back to Max's extraordinary detailed report?
Maxwell Smart : Thank you, Chief. All I'm saying is... that until we understand that our enemies are also human beings... we will never defeat them. Yes, they are bad guys, but that is what they do, not who they are. Let's continue listening... and bear in mind that the next 100 pages can get a little bit dry.
Larabee : Come on.
[All sigh in boredom]
Maxwell Smart : [In a sewer] You know, I never saw James Bond in rats or poop, let alone rats _and_ poop. Oh look, there's a rat riding on a piece of poop.
Maxwell Smart : [Maxwell and Agent 99 swing towards a window but they hit the wall] Missed it by that much!
Maxwell Smart : [99 is trying to get knife out of his pocket by grabbing it with her bare feet] That's not my knife!
Maxwell Smart : Son of a hamster.
[Max notices he has gum on the bottom of his shoe]
Maxwell Smart : Oh great, I have gum on the bottom of my new shoes.
[Max pulls out a box of matches and starts removing the gum with a match]
Guy on the plane : Hey! He's trying to light his shoe!
Guy on the plane : It's a shoe bomb! Get HIM!
Maxwell Smart : No, it's gum.
Lady on the plane : Gun?
Lady on the plane : He's got a gun!
Maxwell Smart : No... GUUUMM!
[the air marshall tackles him to the floor]
Air Marshall : Air Marshall! You're under arrest!
Maxwell Smart : Sir, I believe you just shattered my coccyx!
Maxwell Smart : We are near the drop zone, I'll go first.
Agent 99 : Are you going to be ok with your handcuffs?
Maxwell Smart : No handcuffs can contain me.
Maxwell Smart : Hey, violent sky marshall!
Air Marshall : What do you want?
Maxwell Smart : I have to squeeze the lemon.
[a nearby couple sigh in disgust]
Maxwell Smart : You heard me I have to "squeeze the lemon".
Agent 99 : You lied about finding evidence of radioactivity.
Agent 23 : You conveniently killed Krstic before anyone could question him.
The Chief : And there's that little matter with you stoning my head with a fire extinguisher.
Maxwell Smart : I said I was sorry, you just didn't hear me because you were in a mini coma.
Maxwell Smart : [to Agent 99] Is that your default setting? Do you just punch people in the face, willy-nilly? Its Tuesday, I'll punch Max in the face. Ooh, a box of kittens, time to punch Max in the face. Oh, I'm having some bread, time to punch Max in the face!
Maxwell Smart : [to two Russian suspects] You know what? I will tell you, I love your country. No more communism, no rules of any kind, really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I ever had!
[99 is talking to chief on her cell-phone, Max asked to see the phone but she hit the "know-out gas button" on her phone]
Maxwell Smart : Could this be Siegfried?
The Chief : Hello, Max.
Maxwell Smart : Chief?
The Chief : Yes.
[the knock-out gas starts coming out of the phone]
Maxwell Smart : Knock-out gas 99? I've trained my body to be impervious to this whi... that's new stuff.
[Max passes out]
Lloyd : Hey Max, we got you a lovely parting gift for your first mission.
Maxwell Smart : Oh, pocket knife!
Lloyd : Not just pocket knife. Swiss Army knife. It comes with tweezers, pliers, tiny magnifying glass...
Bruce : Fish scaler, a saw, a flamethrower, chisel, a wire-crimping tool.
Lloyd : We also added a crossbow that fires harpoons connected to 60 ft of spider silk nanothread. It has the strength of steel cable.
Bruce : It's a time-consuming, labor-intensive technology.
Lloyd : Spiders have to be individually milked.
Bruce : And they do not like it.
Lloyd : No, they don't.
Maxwell Smart : Gentlemen, you're the best. Thanks!
Maxwell Smart : My buttocks are really stinging from being dragged.
Maxwell Smart : You were saying?
The Chief : I was saying your results are quite extraordinary, in fact, your essay on existentialism was quite amazing.
Maxwell Smart : I left that section blank.
The Chief : Blank? Brilliant! Brilliant Max. At any rate, you passed with flying colors.
Maxwell Smart : YES!
Maxwell Smart : It's okay, 99. Big people feel pain, too.
Maxwell Smart : Welcome back 23, how was the assassination?
Agent 23 : Maxie, you know assassinations are specifically prohibited by executive order number 12333.
Maxwell Smart : 23, you killed me!
Agent 23 : I could if I wanted to!
Maxwell Smart : Yes, you could.
Maxwell Smart : Oh! Did you see the look on his face?
[Max, having been turned down, is talking to himself on a sidewalk]
Maxwell Smart : I am sorry. Despite today's setback, I will at some point become a field agent. And when that happens, one phone call could take me to the other side of the world.
Maxwell Smart : Who am I kidding? I'm a middle aged man who's missed the train. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you.
[camera angle changes to show that he's talking to a dog in a pet store display window]
Maxwell Smart : You're so young, so full of life. Don't do it, fang. Don't love me.
[as he starts to walk away, a female jogger plows straight into him and both of them fall]
Maxwell Smart : Oh, dear. Sorry.
[helps her to her feet]
Agent 99 : Oh, great.
[looks at her watch]
Agent 99 : That was my last mile. Now I have no idea how fast I was.
Maxwell Smart : Well, you were really moving. Not easy to knock me down. I have a very low center of gravity. Pretty solid.
Agent 99 : I'm just gonna call that one a... 4:50.
Maxwell Smart : Impressive. I, uh, once ran a 5:16.
Agent 99 : Oh really? That's, uh, slower.
Maxwell Smart : Well, not everything's a competition.
Agent 99 : If it were, I'd win.
Maxwell Smart : Ah. Are you flirting with me?
Agent 99 : Not at all. Are you flirting with me?
Maxwell Smart : That depends. Is it working?
[99 puts her headphones back in her ears]
Agent 99 : Not at all.
Maxwell Smart : Well nice meeting you! I admire your focus!
[a man comes out of the store wheeling a dolly, and one wheel runs over Max's foot]
Maxwell Smart : Am I invisible?
Maxwell Smart : Personal best!
Maxwell Smart : Mother of pearl!
Maxwell Smart : [on the plane] Oh, wow!