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American Dad! (TV Series 2005– ) Poster

(2005– )

Quotes

Showing all 149 items

Stan Smith: You know, son, the great thing about First Love is that it's the first of many

Steve Smith: But how will I forget my feelings for Akiva?

Stan Smith: Well you see son, as time goes by you'll find- Amy! Amy why won't you love me! Bwah-ha-ha! I don't wanna live!

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Roger the Alien: [after a hallucinogenic meal] I just don't have the words for it. Schmooblydong. Is that a word?

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Klaus: There's an old German saying: "Don't blame the fish!" There are other sayings, but they mostly involve genocide...

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Roger the Alien: Don't cry... in front of the fish.

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Roger the Alien: Oh, Staniel!

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Snot Lonstein: Wow! Uncensored nudity! This game must be from Japan.

Toshi Yoshida: Unlikely. Those women are not underage schoolgirls.

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Klaus: Francine! I can see your Schmootzplatschen!

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Roger the Alien: Oh, Franiel!

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Klaus: I'll tell you something, though. You've just eaten all the potato salad Francine made for the Deacon's Wake! Ha ha ha!

Roger the Alien: And you didn't stop me? How could you do that?

Klaus: Yeah, still German...

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Roger the Alien: [Steve has an electric guitar. Roger has an Octopus, an abacus and a hairdryer] Your thing looks more interesting

[throws his stuff away]

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Klaus: You don't know why the Americans and the Germans were fighting in World War 2? Nobody knows...

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[repeated line]

Stan Smith: OOH!

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Roger the Alien: [real estate scam] Oh look, another serious buyer.

Husband: But you're so young

Wife: How can you possibly afford this house?

Steve Smith: Remember the kid from Jerry Maguire?

Husband: Yes.

Wife: Of course.

Steve Smith: Well, he pays me to call hotels before his arrival to ensure they have pillows that can support his massive head. I do quite well. Which is why I'm prepared to offer you $99,000. And not a penny more.

Roger the Alien: Oh, yeah? Let me see the cash. I don't need to see the cash. Well, Hannigan, what's it going to be? You gonna offer me 100 K, or are you going to let Jonathan Lipnicki's bitch make you look like a punk in front of your hot wife?

Wife: Well, are you?

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Stan Smith: You brought Fat into our house!

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Steve Smith: Why are you always so mean to me?

Avery Bullock: I ENVY YOUR YOUTH!

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Football Legend: Stan, I thought the CIA was done with me! I still have the headaches and the nightmares! What happened in Munich? Who did I kill?

Stan Smith: No, I'm not here about that. It's my kid's birthday!

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Barry Robinson: Why are you talking like that?

Snot Lonstein: Tooooo muuuuuuuchhh Zooooooolooooooftttt aaaaaandd Iiiiiiiiii'mmmmmm stiiiiiiillll soooooo saaaaaaadd...

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Klaus: You don't know the Story of the Fraulein and the Little Person?

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Klaus: You don't know the Story of the Hawk and the Schnauser?

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Klaus: Has anybody noticed we're watching Gay Porn?

Frat Dude: Maybe it's only Gay at the beginning! I say we keep watching!

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Juror: But then I think of how handsome he is, and I just want to sit on his Face!

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Klaus: Say that in mein bowl!

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Roger the Alien: What is this and how can I replace my Blood with it?

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Gay Neighbour: Women don't ask for much, do they?

Stan Smith: No, just don't pee in the shower on her birthday, and you're good to go.

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Klaus: Welcome to the water jungle baby!

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Barry Robinson: Girl shoulders!

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Nebraska Kid: Ooh! I love babies! Jesus was a Baby!

Stan Smith: Yes, he was also a murder victim.

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Collector Alien 1: We're going to have to change the name of the Blorpher, I feel stupid saying Blorph all the time.

Collector Alien 2: You will have to take that up with the inventor of the Blorph, Dr. Blorphy McBlorph-blorph!

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Stan Smith: [to George W Bush] Is it true that you can make Tony Blair do anything you want? Like if you said he had to eat a bug, he'd eat it even if it had lots of legs?

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Roger the Alien: Floor Spaghetti!

Francine Smith: Floor Spaghetti?

Roger the Alien: [Floor Spaghetti] Floor Spaghetti.

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Stan Smith: It's High School, Steve, it doesn't matter.

Steve Smith: You said that last time, when's it start to matter?

Stan Smith: Never.

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Klaus: Am I early for Book Club?

Roger the Alien: No! You're late! And that's two weeks in a row! You're out!

Klaus: I didn't read it anyway...

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Klaus: If they cut your head off, try to blink your eyes for as long as possible. I have a theory to test...

Steve Smith: Jeez Klaus, how can you be so terrible?

Klaus: I'm German! It's what we do.

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Klaus: Can I come?

Francine Smith: Oh, what's the point, Klaus? You're a fish!

Klaus: Ah. Francine, could you hit that Boom Box on your way out?

Edie Brickell: I quit! I give up! Nothing's good enough for anybody else...

Klaus: Wah-ha-ha-hah!

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Steve's Creepy Russian Uncle or Whatever: Perhaps it was the haste of a man who wanted to take his revenge like his Vodka, in one dreadful swallow.

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Steve's Creepy Russian Uncle or Whatever: To win Competition your mind must be Hard and Joyless, like Russian Turnip.

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Roger the Alien: In a Time of Chimpanzees I was a Monkey!

Stan Smith: What?

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Roger the Alien: Can a Brother get a "Run Roger!"? Damn it! Got to be all self-runnin' and whatnot...

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Stan Smith: We need to have a talk about point of view. Every villain is the hero of his own cinnamon apple monkey toaster.

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Stan Smith: No-one needs America's Help, until they need it!

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Hayley Smith: I think we all knew it would end this way.

[Giant mutant Klaus rears over the horizon]

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Avery Bullock: It is time we Feast! Take them!

Various: It's the 200!

Roger the Alien: Nonsense, they don't exist! I made them up! Wha...?

Hayley Smith: 200 Rogers!

Roger the Alien: 200 mes?

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Klaus: [in a Body] I'm just one of those Black Germans everyone remembers...

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Roger the Alien: It's not Silly Juice it's Necessary Juice!

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Roger the Alien: You poached my Bear!

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Stan Smith: Son if you ever want to crawl your way out of this Geek Swamp, you're going to have to log some Face Time with the Cool Kids.

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Sushi Restaurant Owner's Son: [Hiding in Air Vent] This is the perfect place to learn my Father's Secret...

Sushi Restaurant Owner: Whenever the Cucumber Shipment is late, I like to look at this photo of my Son's Mother. She was the love of my life, and an amazing Prostitute.

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Francine Smith: Here's your endpiece, don't forget to chew!

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Roger the Alien: Do not fear me, pretty one, though my outward appearance may repulse thee I assure you my intentions are most pure.

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Collector Alien 1: Hubbub! Hubbub!

Collector Alien 2: Peas and Carrots! Peas and Carrots!

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Roger the Alien: Meahh! Meahh! Meahh!

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Stan Smith: [CIA awards] But I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my gym teacher Mr Raglan, who taught me everything I know about seduction!

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Stan Smith: Paperclips? Paperclops? Popperclops! Pops that Clop your Poppers!

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Roger the Alien: [can't roll an oreo from his navel into his mouth] Dammit!

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Steve Smith: Flap Flap a-zap-zap!

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Dr Lizzy: You're caught in what I call the Western Pharmacycle. Doctors give people with diseases cures that give them other diseases. It's a great business model, if you're the Devil.

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Klaus: Yes, I heard about the bunny-poops.

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Roger the Alien: Have you read The Tipping Point? I haven't. Perhaps it applies.

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Roger the Alien: Tam, I gotta go, the Boss is being a real Catch you Next Tuesday...

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Stan Smith: These rocks will make a fine raft!

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Camera Guy: No-one's more Unincluded than the Camera Guy.

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Stan Smith: I want you to come home, Francine, Greg won't stop being snarky!

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Avery Bullock: I had some Gay experiences at Boarding School. Nothing fancy, just some night poundings.

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Steve Smith: I don't know, friends with Half-Turtles when there are Full-Turtles?

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Steve Smith: I think I'll hit the sack. And then I'll go to bed.

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Stan Smith: [to Sexpun T'come] I'm going over to the Juice Bar. You wouldn't like it, it's not about reliving childhood trauma it's all positive and about Juice.

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Dick: When I was your age we had to work harder than this!

Stan Smith: When I'm your age I want to be dead for ten years.

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Stan Smith: She's called Thundercat.

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Hayley Smith: I just can't flunk out of Social Studies, I just can't!

Klaus: Why not? I think you'd make a great Pharmaceuticals sales rep...

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Doctor: Your breasts are full of spiders!

Roger the Alien: That's how I like 'em!

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Sign: American Eurodisney, the most confusing place on Earth!

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Stan Smith: [to a fat kid] God I want to hit you!

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Kevin: Ice-T! I have to say, "Cop Killer" is absolutely my favorite song. It got me through Boarding School!

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Stan Smith: Klaus, just be glad you're alone with no family.

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Head Crow Guy: This is so frustrating! I'm starting to question if there even is a Crow God!

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Roger the Alien: Is there anything more terrifying than a hovering Blimp!

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Steve Smith: Something I've noticed is that Real Life often sucks.

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Roger the Alien: [Persian Club Shark] My cousin makes porno and I think you girls should get involved, I hear it makes you feel really good about yourself.

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Roger the Alien: Behind the wheel of every taxi is a sad confused person who lost a bet they didn't understand.

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Avery Bullock: She's fat, she's loose, she's Asian. I hit the Trifecta!

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Steve Smith: Maybe next Christmas no-one will die.

Hayley Smith: Yeah, right!

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Klaus: He was my only Uncle, Steve! The odds of my grandparents crapping out another Uncle at this point are pretty low...

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Francine Smith: I did it again. I said something helpful and went past it.

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Eggthalmologist: The desire to possess eggs is inherent in all of us.

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Roger the Alien: I got the Egg Madness, y'all!

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Hand and Nester: The Egg... is Collected!

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Principal Lewis: I'll bet Hayley did it! For Hippy Reasons!

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Stan Smith: Got to get worse before it gets better.

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Doctor: And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take a Doctor Poop in the Doctor Bathroom.

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Stan Smith: [Gatecrashing Heaven] We're Mormons! We were born dead!

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Roger the Alien: Who will feed the Chinchillas?

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Granny: You tell him he's a Carpetbagger!

Roger the Alien: [Drunk] You're a Carpetbagger, Stan! Wassat?

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Hayley Smith: [building the Devil's Tower out of Mud because Jeff was abducted by Aliens]

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Roger the Alien: [Old Lady scattering ashes] Thank you Umar, thank you for showing me I can go on without you! I know what you did to our kids you bastard! Ha! Why can't I leave things nice?

[credits]

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Roger the Alien: [Chinese Restaurant Owner] You Bicyqwuall Delivery Boy!

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Francine Smith: [in India] I prayed to an Elephant! How am I supposed to explain that to Jesus! Do you know what Superdiarrhea is, Stan?

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Doctor: No-one ever goes for the Superboob...

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Klaus: I'm a Fish, Stan! Sometimes I smell Fishy!

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Klaus: Francine! Why didn't you tell me you were having work done? I would gladly have gone halfsies on a Superboob.

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Francine Smith: You'd better know what you're doing you dumb Irish Bastard!

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Dick: CIA Health Insurance only covers visits to the Hopsital. That's a Hospital for Bunny Rabbits.

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Roger the Alien: As a Married Woman, here are your choices for Best Friend: Fat Woman, Cat, Gay Guy, Food...

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Francine Smith: Any man who ever did anything great was just trying to show up a piece of ass who wouldn't give him any.

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Roger the Alien: Let's turn this Country around. Let's make things again.

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Klaus: They say if you play it backwards, you can hear the voice of a dead kid!

Hayley Smith: Whoah. Hang on, how do you play Monopoly backwards?

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Klaus: I'm pretending to be Life's DVD Commentary. It's something to do while I wait to Die of Fin-Rot.

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Steve Smith: You are wasting your Charizard!

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Stan Smith: Feed the Chicken!

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Roger the Alien: They said I'd never be good enough for Television! How do you like me now, Voices in my Head?

[pause]

Roger the Alien: There's no pleasing you guys!

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Ice T: Boarding School is Corny!

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Steve Smith: [Flashbacks to an Italian Childhood he didn't have] What the Hell is in that Pasta Sauce?

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Steve Smith: You guys are weirdos, not murderers!

Hand and Nester: We're about to be both!

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Klaus: The Walls of my Anus are cuter than that Panda!

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Roger the Alien: [Max Jetts, straight out of prison] Now that I've been raped by people who know what they're doing, I just want to share...

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Stan Smith: You know what the best part of my Day is? The five seconds after I wake up, before I remember who I am.

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Klaus: Here's your allowance: five bubbles. Oh, what the hell. Six bubbles! Don't tell your mother!

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Alien: You had your heart broken! That's why you said there was no such thing as Love!

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Patrick Stewart: And now we are Proud to Present the only one of Mr Winkle's plays that I did not immediately eat out of sheer jealousy. Blood Crieth Unto Heaven!

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Francine Smith: [Roger's playing her daughter] She loves to pretend! We think she might have S K T S... Sorry, I'm trying to spell "Skitsanophria"!

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Jeff Fischer: I'm going to go to the Bead Store, buy some Beads, and then open a Bead Store!

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Steve Smith: I'm going to go into town and try and work out how the Piano Store stays in Business.

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Klaus: The French word for it is "La Petit Mort" or the Little Death. It comes from the 16th Century when only midgets were allowed to have orgasms. It's true! Read the Bible.

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Hayley Smith: Dad! Fat people drive the Economy with their Purchases of Fast Food and Garfield Comics!

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Angel Lawyer: I have this jar of Salsa I stole from the Office Potluck I'm still working on. I don't live well.

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Jeff Fischer: [Romantic Hippy Drumming] I want to touch butts with you. I want to touch butts with you. Cheek to Cheek and Hole to Hole to Hole. There's a third Hole.

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Roger the Alien: You know, it takes Courage to tell a joke to a group of strangers.

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Steve Smith: I think I'm broken.

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Stan Smith: So what? We shoot each other, that's how we communicate in this Family.

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Barry Robinson: Now you will know Fear, Lord ASMR!

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The Sizzle: Poor people are a lot like cats.

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Jeff Fischer: I do what she says.

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Roger the Alien: [to Hayley] Oh, you dear sweet Man-faced Girl...

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Frat Dude: Great Party Roger! Woo!

Roger the Alien: Aw, people have been spitting on your cracker and calling it cream cheese all your life, haven't they? No, we haven't achieved greatness yet...

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Snot Lonstein: I can't wait to tell you about Jewish Camp!

Klaus: You CAME BACK from Jewish Camp?

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Steve Smith: All there is here is Sand Which is There!

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Paramedic: How was your Dad's Funeral? Did you cry?

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Roger the Alien: It's not a real party until somebody dies!

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Viewer: ["Geneveive Vivance" goes off the air] I can't read! I depend on you!

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Video Store Clerk: [to Klaus] Hey, are you Nemo? There's people looking for you, man!

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Hobo: [two minutes from Suicide] A fake rock? This World never fails to Amaze and Inspire me!

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Roger the Alien: [Muslim at the Airport] I can laugh at that, but you can't or they won't let you on the Plane. It's sad, but that's the World we live in now.

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Avery Bullock: Crazy Chest!

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Avery Bullock: Go for Bullock!

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Avery Bullock: Why do I have to do the Sign, can't these people read? Oh, they can't, right...

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Francine Smith: I'm like a woman who marries her rapist.

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Roger the Alien: Steve, here's your copy of neglected child Monthly.

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Roger the Alien: Hayley don't Preach/ I'm in trouble deep/ Hayley don't Preach/ I need booze to sleep/ but I've made up my mind...

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Psychiatrist: [eaten by a giant ant]

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Psychiatrist: [head blown off by a grenade]

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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