Van Helsing (2004) Poster

(2004)

Hugh Jackman: Van Helsing

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Quotes 

  • Carl : [while stocking Van Helsing's kit for the trip to Transylvania]  I don't know. You could blind your enemies, char-broil a herd of chargind wildebeests - use your imagination.

    Van Helsing : No, I'm going to use yours - you're coming with me.

    Carl : Oh, to hell and be damned I am!

    Van Helsing : Carl, you just cursed! Not well mind you but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.

    Carl : Actually I'm just a friar so I can curse all I want... dammit!

  • Van Helsing : There's something down here, it's carnivorous. Whatever it is it appears to be... human. I'd say it's a size 17, about 360 pounds, 8 and a half to 9 feet tall and he has a bad gimp in his right leg and, ah, 3 copper teeth.

    Anna Valerious : How do you know he has copper teeth?

    Van Helsing : 'Cause he's standing right behind you.

    [shouts] 

    Van Helsing : Move!

  • Carl : Why does it smell like wet dog in here?

    Van Helsing : [running past him]  Werewolf!

    Carl : Oh! You'll be needing silver bullets then.

    [he produces a box of bullets and throws them to Van Helsing, rather deftly] 

    Van Helsing : Well done!

  • Carl : Now, you won't turn into a werewolf until your first full moon. That's two days from now. So we have 48 hours to find a solution. But you'll still be able to fight Dracula's hold over you until the final stroke of midnight.

    Van Helsing : Sounds like I have nothing to worry about.

    Carl : Oh, my God, you should be terrified!

    Van Helsing : Thank you.

    Carl : Sorry.

  • Van Helsing : This thing... man... whatever it is... evil may have created it, left its mark on it... but evil does not rule it. So I cannot kill it.

  • Carl : So you can remember everything about your life from the last seven years, but nothing before that?

    Van Helsing : Not now, Carl.

    Carl : There must be something?

    Van Helsing : [dead serious]  I remember fighting the Romans at Masada.

    Carl : That was in 73 A.D.

    Van Helsing : You asked.

  • Van Helsing : Now, Carl, whatever you do, don't stare at him.

    [he opens the coach door, revealing the Frankenstein Monster shackled into the seat, struggling and snarling] 

    Carl : I'm staring at him.

    [quickly turns away] 

    Carl : Is that a man?

    Van Helsing : Actually, it's seven men. Parts of them, anyway.

  • [after Van Helsing's first, failed attempt to kill Dracula] 

    Anna Valerious : A silver stake? A crucifix? What, did you think we haven't tried everything before? We've shot him, stabbed him, clubbed him, sprayed him with holy water, staked him through the heart, and STILL he lives! Do you understand? No-one knows how to kill Dracula!

    Van Helsing : Well, I could have used that information a little earlier.

  • Frankenstein's Monster : You've been bitten. Bitten by a werewolf. Now you will become that which you have hunted so passionately.

    [Van Helsing takes out a tranquilizer blowgun] 

    Van Helsing : I am sorry...

    Frankenstein's Monster : May others be as passionate in the hunting of you.

  • Count Vladislaus Dracula : You're too late, my friend! My children live!

    Van Helsing : Then the only way to kill them is to kill you.

    Count Vladislaus Dracula : Correct.

    Van Helsing : So be it.

  • Van Helsing : I have to pull the bolts off... this is going to hurt!

    Frankenstein's Monster : I am accustomed to pain!

    Van Helsing : It let's you know you're alive!

  • Anna Valerious : We Transylvanians always look on the brighter side of death.

    Van Helsing : There's a brighter side of death?

    Anna Valerious : Of course. It's just harder to see.

  • Carl : [about his invention]  I know what it's for! I know what it's for!... Where are we going?

    Van Helsing , Anna Valerious : Through that window!

  • Top Hat : I see the Wolfman hasn't killed you yet.

    Van Helsing : Don't worry. He's getting to it.

  • Carl : Here, take this.

    [he hands Van Helsing a bag, then begins to fill it] 

    Carl : Rings of garlic... holy water... silver stake... crucifix...

    [they pass two monks test-firing a Gatling gun] 

    Van Helsing : Why can't I have one of those?

  • Van Helsing : Bless me father for I have...

    Cardinal Jinette : Sinned! Yes, I know. You're very good at it. You shattered the Rose Window.

    Van Helsing : Well, not to split hairs, but it was Mr. Hyde who did the shattering.

    Cardinal Jinette : Thirteenth century. Over six hundred years old! I wish you a week in hell for that.

    Van Helsing : It would be a nice reprieve.

    Cardinal Jinette : Don't get me wrong. Your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. Wanted posters. We are not pleased.

    Van Helsing : Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the order do something about it?

    Cardinal Jinette : Because we do not exist.

    Van Helsing : Well then neither do I.

    Cardinal Jinette : When we found you crawling up the steps of this church, half dead, it was clear to all of us that you had been sent to do God's work.

    Van Helsing : Why can't He do it Himself?

  • Van Helsing : Now, my superiors would like for me to take you alive, so that they might extricate your better half.

    Mr. Hyde : [laughing]  I'll bet they bloody would.

    Van Helsing : Personally, I'd rather just kill you and call it a day. But let's make it your decision, shall we?

    Mr. Hyde : [pretends to think]  Hmm, do let's.

    [attacks him] 

  • Anna Valerious : For me this is all personal. It's all about family and honor. Why do you do it? What do you hope to get out of it?

    Van Helsing : Oh, I don't know. Maybe some self-realization.

    Anna Valerious : And what have you got out of it so far?

    Van Helsing : Nightmares.

  • Van Helsing : You're a genius!

    Carl : A genius with access to unstable chemicals!

  • Igor : Please, don't kill me!

    Van Helsing : Why not?

    Igor : Well, um... I... um... uh...

  • Van Helsing : Dr. Jekyll, you're wanted by the Knights of the Holy Order...

    Mr. Hyde : It's Mr. Hyde, now!

    Van Helsing : for the murder of twelve men, six women, four...

    Mr. Hyde : [laughing]  Four children, three goats, and a rather nasty massacre of poultry!

  • Van Helsing : To have memories of those you have loved and lost is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all.

  • Anna Valerious : [after Van Helsing has killed the Werewolf]  You killed him!

    Van Helsing : Now you see why people call me a murderer.

  • Van Helsing : I missed you in London.

    Mr. Hyde : No, you bloody did not!

    [shows Van Helsing a bullet wound] 

    Mr. Hyde : You got me good.

  • Van Helsing : Next time, stay close, you're no good to me dead.

  • [Anna Valerious falls back into the a wall, out cold] 

    Van Helsing : [catches her in his arms before she falls to the floor]  I'm sorry about that too.

  • Anna Valerious : What are these things?

    Van Helsing : I think they're Dracula's children.

    Anna Valerious : His children?

    Van Helsing : A man, with three gorgeous women, for four hundred years?

  • Van Helsing : Absinthe. Strong stuff.

    [Anna takes a defiant swig and gives the bottle back to Van Helsing] 

    Anna Valerious : Don't let it touch your tongue... it'll knock straight on your aaaaaa...

    [she gets cut off as the ground falls through] 

  • [stalking the werewolf through the streets] 

    Van Helsing : Who's hunting whom?

  • Anna Valerious : Dwergi!

    Van Helsing : Dwergi?

    Anna Valerious : Dracula's servants. Industrious, but extremely vicious. If you get a chance to kill one, do it, because they'll do worse to you.

  • [seeing Dracula's children hatch and fly through the castle] 

    Van Helsing : This is where I come in!

  • [Van Helsing and Carl break into a mausoleum to hide the unconscious Monster] 

    Carl : I'm sure this is some kind of sin.

    Van Helsing : Don't worry, God will forgive us.

  • Van Helsing : If you're late, run like hell.

    [Anna turns away, but he grabs her back] 

    Van Helsing : Don't be late.

  • [Van Helsing appears to free the Monster] 

    Frankenstein's Monster : What are you doing? You must find the cure!

    Van Helsing : My friends are doing it for me.

    Frankenstein's Monster : Friends...

    Van Helsing : Yes. You want one?

  • Anna Valerious : Some say you're a murderer, Mr. Van Helsing. Others say you're a holy man. Which is it?

    Van Helsing : It's a bit of both, I think.

  • Van Helsing : The Cardinal has ordered you to keep me alive.

    [he throws the bag back to Carl, then walks past him] 

    Van Helsing : For as long as possible.

    Carl : But I'm not a field man! Van Helsing, I don't want to go to Transylvania!

  • Mr. Hyde : You're a big one. You'll be hard to digest.

    Van Helsing : I'd hate to be such a nuisance.

  • Mr. Hyde : So, you're the great Van Helsing.

    Van Helsing : And you're a deranged psychopath.

    Mr. Hyde : We all have our little problems.

  • Van Helsing : [to a captive Igor]  If they even suspect you of misleading them...

    [he demonstrates a wicked-looked set of pliers in front of Igor's face, then hands them to Anna] 

    Van Helsing : Clip off one of his fingers.

    Anna Valerious : I'll clip off something.

  • Van Helsing : He's not your brother anymore, Anna!

    Anna Valerious : You knew?

    Van Helsing : Yes.

    Anna Valerious : Before or after I stopped you from shooting him?

    Van Helsing : Before.

    Anna Valerious : And still you tried to kill him!

    Van Helsing : He's a werewolf. He's going to kill people!

    Anna Valerious : It's not his fault! He can't help it!

    Van Helsing : I know, but he's going to do it anyway!

  • [approaching the entrance to Castle Dracula] 

    Carl : Do we have a plan? I mean, it doesn't have to be Wellington's at Waterloo, but some kind of plan would be nice.

    Van Helsing : We're going to go in there and stop Dracula.

    Anna Valerious : And kill anyone who gets in our way.

    Carl : [quickly turns around]  Well, you let me know how that goes...

  • [Upon seeing a baby vampire for the first time] 

    Van Helsing : So this is what you get when vampires mate.

  • Carl : What are we doing here? Why is it so important to kill this Dracula anyway?

    Van Helsing : Because he's the son of the devil.

    Carl : I mean besides that.

    Van Helsing : Because if we kill him, anything bitten by him or created will also die.

    Carl : I mean besides that.

  • Van Helsing : [looking around for the werewolf]  It's a little late for digging graves, isn't it?

    Top Hat : It's never too late to dig graves. You never know when you'll need a fresh one...

    [when Van Helsing turns around, he suddenly swings his shovel at Van Helsing's head. Van Helsing catches the handle and points his gun in Top Hat's face] 

    Top Hat : Oh, sorry! It's just... my nature.

  • Van Helsing : You're going to take them and lead them to the antidote.

    Igor : No, I'm not!

    [Van Helsing grabs Igor with his werewolf strength and throws him violently against the wall] 

    Igor : Yes, I am.

  • Anna Valerious : You! Turn around. Let me see your faces.

    Van Helsing : Why?

    Anna Valerious : Because we don't trust strangers.

  • Anna Valerious : Show me your faces!

    Van Helsing : Why?

    Anna Valerious : Because we don't trust strangers.

    Top Hat : Strangers don't last long here.

  • [Carl hands Van Helsing his latest invention, an automatic crossbow] 

    Carl : A work of certifiable genius.

    Van Helsing : If you don't say so yourself.

    Carl : Well, I did say so myself.

  • Van Helsing : Bless me, Father, for I have...

    Cardinal Jinette : Sinned! Yes, I know. You're very good at that. You shattered the Rose Window!

    Van Helsing : Well, not to split hairs, sir, but it was Mr. Hyde who did the shattering...

    Cardinal Jinette : 13th Century. Over six hundred years old! I wish you a week in hell for that!

    Van Helsing : It would be a nice reprieve.

    Cardinal Jinette : Don't get me wrong. Your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. Wanted posters? We are not pleased.

    Van Helsing : Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the order do something about it?

    Cardinal Jinette : Because we do not exist.

    Van Helsing : Well, then neither do I.

    [he gets up angrily, but the Cardinal presses a button, dropping a set of bars over the confessional's exit] 

    Cardinal Jinette : When we found you crawling up the steps of this church, half dead, it was clear to all of us that you had been sent to do God's work.

    Van Helsing : Why can't he do it Himself?

    Cardinal Jinette : Don't blaspheme! You already lost your memory as a penance for past sins. If you wish to recover it, I suggest you continue to heed the call.

  • Van Helsing : Now that I have your attention.

  • Van Helsing : That's why you're coming with me.

    Carl : The hell be damned that I am.

    Van Helsing : You cursed. Not very well, mind you, but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.

    Carl : Actually, I'm still just a friar. I can curse all I want, dammit.

  • Van Helsing : My life... my job... my curse... is to vanquish evil.

  • Carl : Are you always this popular?

    Van Helsing : Pretty much.

  • Carl : You've never gone after vampires before, have you?

    Van Helsing : Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same - best when cooked well.

  • Van Helsing : Carl, I need you to do something

    Carl : I'm not gonna like this am I?

  • Van Helsing : How do you know me?

    Count Vladislaus Dracula : So, would you like me to refresh your memory? A few details from you sordid past?

    Count Vladislaus Dracula : [Van Helsing thrusts a crucifix at Dracula. Dracula shrieks and angrily swats it away, then calms down, smiling beatifically, as if nothing happened]  Perhaps that is a conversation for another time. But before you go, let me reintroduce myself.

    [bows majestically] 

    Count Vladislaus Dracula : I am Count Vladislaus Dragulia. Born 1422. Murdered 1462.

  • Van Helsing : [Bangs on the canal gate feverishly while staying afloat; he looks on as the Frankenstein monster drifts away with the enemy]  I must save him!

    Carl : [Holding his head down]  No, you can't.

    Van Helsing : [Surprised]  Why?

    Carl : [Lamentingly]  I cabled Rome earlier to apprise them of our situation.

    Van Helsing : And what did they say?

    Carl : [Speaks with sadness in his voice]  Even if you somehow kill Dracula, Rome orders you to destroy Frankenstein as well.

    Van Helsing : But he isn't evil!

    Carl : Yes, but they say he isn't human either.

    Van Helsing : Do they know him? Have they talked with him? Who are they to judge?

    Carl : They want you to destroy him so he can never be used to harm humanity.

    Van Helsing : And what of *me?* Did you tell them what *I'm* to become?

    [Swiftly grabs hold of Carl's throat] 

    Van Helsing : Did they tell you how to *kill* me?

    [He lifts him up with one arm, pinning him to the gate; the more he speaks, the tighter his grip gets around Carl's throat, while he struggles vainly to free himself] 

    Van Helsing : The correct *angle* of the stake as it enters my heart?

    Anna Valerious : [Anna, terrified of his outburst tries to grab hold of Van Helsing to get him to release Carl]  No! Stop!

    Van Helsing : [His hand still tightening, his iris dilate and begin to glow an eerie, pale yellow as he yells]  The exact measure of *silver* in each *bullet*? Huh?

    Carl : [Croaks pitifully in Van Helsing's grip, and speaks pleadingly]  No, I-I left you out!

    Van Helsing : [Van Helsing's eyes look more and more savage. He grimaces and doubles over, releasing Carl from his grasp. Then he clutches himself, as a vicious roar bellows though his lips; he snarls and sneers while clenching his fists trying to fight away the curse. Anna and Carl look at him with both fear of and for him; as his eyes return to that of human, he realizes he has little time left and that he has hurt his best friend. He looks at Carl with regret]  I'm sorry... It is starting...

  • Van Helsing : This thing... man... whatever it is... evil may have created it, left its mark on it... but evil does not rule it. So I cannot kill it.

  • Van Helsing : I have to pull the bolts off... this is going to hurt!

    Frankenstein's Monster : I am accustomed to pain...

    Van Helsing : It lets you know you're alive!

  • Top Hat : [Standing in an upright coffin]  Nice night.

    [Van Helsing turns and aims his gun at Top Hat] 

    Top Hat : This is a bit tight for me. But for you? It is a perfect fit.

    [Walks away] 

    Top Hat : I see the werewolf hasn't killed you yet.

    Van Helsing : [Follows Top Hat]  Don't worry, he's getting to it. Why are you here? Aren't you afraid?

    Top Hat : Oh, I am no threat to him. I'm just the one who cleans up after him.

    [starts digging in the graveyard] 

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs


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