Anger Management (2003)
Jack Nicholson: Dr. Buddy Rydell
Dr. Buddy Rydell : Temper's the one thing you can't get rid of, by losing it.
Dr. Buddy Rydell : Let me explain something to you, Dave. There are two kinds of angry people in this world: explosive and implosive. Explosive is the kind of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking their coupons. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and finally shoots everyone in the store. You're the cashier.
Dave Buznik : No, no, no. I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section dialling 911. I swear.
Dr. Buddy Rydell : Now then we need to go over some ground rules. You are to refrain from any any acts of violence including verbal assault and vulgar hand gestures. You may not use rage enhancing substances, such as caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, crack cocaine, slippy-flippy's, jelly stingers, trick sticks, bing bangs or flying willards.
Dave Buznik : How about fiddle-faddles?
Dr. Buddy Rydell : Under my supervision. Also, if you are unable to stop masturbating, please do so without the use of any pornographic images depicting quote, unquote 'angry sex.' That having been said, I'm a pretty good guy and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised how much fun we can have together.
Dave Buznik : Geez, without slippy-flippies or angry masturbating I don't see how that's possible.
Dr. Buddy Rydell : Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin, Dave. From now on, unacceptable.
Dr. Buddy Rydell : Dave assaulted a female flight attendant in mid-air.
Stacy : Nice.
Gina : I bet you beat her good.
Dave Buznik : I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman...
Chuck : Liar, bullshitter, you're a WOMAN BEATER! And you can't admit it, because you're a deluded piece of garbage!
Dave Buznik : I don't know about all that but... now I know why you're here.
Dr. Buddy Rydell : Nate, didn't we decide that you shouldn't listen to the ballgame?
Nate : Don't worry, Doctor B. It's just a regular season game. Not that important. See, Iverson just missed a layup at the buzzer, Sixers lose. Who gives a crap, huh? I mean it's just a silly game anyways.
[his face scrunches up]
Nate : Ooooohhhh the anger sharks are swimming in my head! YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT! YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT!
Dr. Buddy Rydell : Stay with me. Stay with me. Repeat after me. Goosefraba.
Nate : Gooooose... blah blah
Dr. Buddy Rydell : No, not blah blah, Nate. Goosefraba.
Dr. Buddy Rydell : So, Dave. Tell us about yourself. Who are you?
Dave Buznik : Well, I'm an executive assistant for a major pet products company.
Dr. Buddy Rydell : [interupts him] Dave, I don't want you to tell us what you do. I want you to tell us who you are.
Dave Buznik : Oh, alright, um... I'm a pretty good guy. I like playing tennis on occasion.
Dr. Buddy Rydell : Also, not your hobbies Dave. Just tell us who you are.
Dave Buznik : [stumped] Maybe you could give me an example of what a good answer would be? Um...
Dave Buznik : What did you say?
[the group laughs]
Dr. Buddy Rydell : You want Lou to tell you who you are?
Dave Buznik : No, I just, uh... I'm a nice, easy going man, I might be a little indecisive at times...
Dr. Buddy Rydell : Dave, you're describing your personality. I just want to know... who you are.
Dave Buznik : [snaps] I don't know what the hell you want me to say!
[the room falls silent]
[after loudly passing gas in bed]
Dr. Buddy Rydell : You hear that frog?
Dr. Buddy Rydell : So Peanut likes the spicy humor. Maybe he'd enjoy the knee-slapper you told me earlier about the great Buddha.
Older Arnie Shankman : Oh, what did you say about Buddha?
Dr. Buddy Rydell : Dave said, "How does a guy who weighs over six hundred pounds have the balls to teach people about self-discipline?"
Dr. Buddy Rydell : Jibber jabber jibber jabbering, mumbo jumbo, denial, key-key-key-key-key-key!
[fleeing the monastery]
Dr. Buddy Rydell : You kicked some serious monk-ass there, baby!
Dr. Buddy Rydell : I want you to approach Miss Thing again...
Dave Buznik : No!
Dr. Buddy Rydell : ...with confidence! And if she says no this time, I will admit that I am a failure as a therapist and I will release you from my program.
Dave Buznik : You'll release me from your program
Dave Buznik : Okay...
Dr. Buddy Rydell : [They stand up] Just go over there and repeat the following verbatim. "I'm sorry I was so rude before but it's difficult for me to express myself when I am on the verge of exploding in my pants."
Dave Buznik : Huh?
[They sit down]
Dave Buznik : Get outta here.
Dr. Buddy Rydell : Trust me Dave. If you were calm as well as witty, she will respond.
Dave Buznik : I think witty went out the window with that whole pants-explosion thing.
Dr. Buddy Rydell : My offer stands.
Dave Buznik : So if I repeat that crazy shit you probably stole from a porno flick, you sick bastard, and get rejected, you'll release me from the program?
Dr. Buddy Rydell : Exactly.
Dr. Buddy Rydell : ...You're on my side of the arm rest. We're not gonna have problems, are we?
Dr. Buddy Rydell : [while taking a shower] Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!
Dr. Buddy Rydell : By the way, I like to sleep in the nude.
Dr. Buddy Rydell : For crying out loud, you are missing important plot points.
[cut to the TV showing three topless men in a sauna]