Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999)
Rob Schneider: Deuce Bigalow
Kate : I don't see how it could possibly be pleasurable for a woman. I just don't think it's natural. You're not supposed to go up there. To tell you the truth, I don't know how men do it either.
Deuce Bigalow : You're not curious, just to try something new?
Kate : I'm just not into it.
Deuce Bigalow : So space exploration is definitely out for you?
Kate : Definitely. I mean, more power to any woman who wants to be an astronaut. I just wouldn't do it. Frankly, I'd rather take it up the butt.
Deuce Bigalow : Martini, two olives.
[looks around room]
Deuce Bigalow : Any ladies need some entertainment tonight?
Bartender : [sets the martini down] Eight fifty.
Deuce Bigalow : Eight dollars?
Bartender : And fifty cents.
Deuce Bigalow : How much just for a plain cranberry juice?
Bartender : Oh, three dollars.
Deuce Bigalow : Well I'll go for that.
Bartender : [sets the juice down] There you go. That's uh, eleven fifty.
Deuce Bigalow : Uh, no, no. Perhaps you misunderstood me. I wish to cancel my original order of the martini and two olives and go for just the plain cranberry juice, by itself, for the three dollars. And I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Bartender : Uh, perhaps you don't understand. If you don't pay me now, I'm gonna take this swizzle stick, and uh, I'll be shoving that right up your pee hole.
T.J. Hicks : See this ring? Topaz, my mother's birthstone. Know where I got the money for it?
Deuce Bigalow : Where?
T.J. Hicks : Man-whoring! See this keychain? Mini yo-yo. Know where I got the money for it?
Deuce Bigalow : Man-whoring?
T.J. Hicks : Stock market! But I got the money for the stock market from man-whoring.
Deuce Bigalow : Where am I supposed to get six thousand dollars in three weeks?
Deuce Bigalow : I guess I'll just take some sea snails.
Deuce Bigalow : Maybe we should take care of a little business first.
Claire : If you prefer.
Deuce Bigalow : I don't have a set price or anything, but I have been getting ten dollars.
Claire : I'm sorry?
Deuce Bigalow : Well that's my going rate. But I'm willing to negotiate.
Claire : [chuckles] That's funny. But the price is five hundred.
Deuce Bigalow : You're gonna pay me five hundred dollars?
Claire : No, honey, you pay me.
Deuce Bigalow : Oh, I get it. This is some kind of role reversal. I'll play along with this.
Deuce Bigalow : Okay, 300, 400, 500, you're my hooker. No, seriously, where's my ten dollars?
T.J. Hicks : This next date is what we man-pimps call a doozy.
Deuce Bigalow : What's wrong with this one?
T.J. Hicks : Nothin'.
Deuce Bigalow : Have you seen her? What is she 80? A hunchback?
T.J. Hicks : She just got outta college. Some of her girlfriends pitched in to get her a little beefcake. She thinks it's a blind date.
Deuce Bigalow : It's a guy isn't it?
T.J. Hicks : I don't think so, but I have been fooled before.
Detective Fowler : You better show some respect, or I'm gonna rip that little pleasure-giving tongue right out of your head! One more thing
[drops his pants]
Detective Fowler : I was at the precinct and I really had to use the John. And it's pretty filthy in there and I was in kind of a hurry, and I didn't have time to use one of those, you know, paper ass gaskets. I was doing my business, and something sort of splashed up on me, all over. What do you do in situations like that? You think I'll be alright?
Deuce Bigalow : I think you're pretty safe.
Detective Fowler : I'd better be!
Deuce Bigalow : If man-whoring has taught me anything, it's that most women are as unhappy with their entire body as you are with your small penis.
Detective Fowler : Thin penis.
Deuce Bigalow : Whatever. While you're worried about your penis...
Detective Fowler : Thin penis.
Deuce Bigalow : Women are worried about their height, their weight, their giant feet, the stream of obscenities that could burst through their mouth at any second. If you make a woman feel good about herself, it really doesn't matter what's wrong with you.
Detective Fowler : Even if it's really really thin? We're talkin' spaghetti stick.
Bob Bigalow : The idea of a man-whore is a relatively new idea. Cologne?
Deuce Bigalow : No thanks.
Bob Bigalow : [loud fart in background] These women are looking for more than just sex. They want romance.
Deuce Bigalow : What do you mean?
Bob Bigalow : [another loud fart] Well, it was like when I met your mom, God rest her soul. I didn't have so much as a toilet to clean. Still, I wasn't going to pay her a dime for sex, no matter what she was charging.
Deuce Bigalow : What?
Bob Bigalow : [loud fart] Well your mom could've had any man she wanted in that strip club. And this being my first time in Bangkok, I was looking for a good time myself.
Deuce Bigalow : You met my mom where?
Bob Bigalow : It's not important.
Bob Bigalow : The thing is, she saw something in me beyond the 200 baht. A man with an eye for adventure who wasn't afraid to risk it all.
Deuce Bigalow : Dad, are you saying that...
Bob Bigalow : [diarrhea splattering into toilet in background] So we took all her one-dollar bills off the stage, said good-bye to that donkey, and two days later we were man and wife. And we were happily married a long time.
Deuce Bigalow : So, do you think I should be more of a risk-taker?
Bob Bigalow : [toilet flushing] Worked for me.
Deuce Bigalow : Thanks, pops.
Deuce Bigalow : I should have told you right from the start. But I was afraid.
Kate : Afraid of what?
Deuce Bigalow : Afraid that a girl as wonderful as you could never fall for a guy who cleans fish tanks, 'cause that's who I really am. This whole gigolo thing was just a mistake. But I'm glad it happened 'cause I never would have met you. I never would have known what love was. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect.
Kate : I'm not perfect either.
Deuce Bigalow : Yes you are. You're perfect in every way. I knew it the moment I met you.
[pulls out a folded envelope and reads]
Deuce Bigalow : "Kate, you have a smile that could melt an iceberg. Your lips are as sweet as honey. You may only have one leg, but it's the most beautiful leg in the world."