Family Guy (TV Series 1999– ) Poster

(1999– )

Patrick Warburton: Joe Swanson, Boggs, Colonial Joe, Joe, Joe Swanson as Biggs Darklighter, Joe Swanson as Imperial Probe Droid, Joe Swanson as Jabba the Hutt, Joe Swanson as Wise Man, Joe's Mother, Joey Duchamp...



  • Peter Griffin : Say, what happened to the car wash thief?

    Joe Swanson : Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.

    Peter Griffin : Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh?

    Joe Swanson : Nope, he's dead.

  • Peter Griffin : Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did.

    Cleveland : I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on.

    [everyone drinks] 

    Joe Swanson : I got one - I never slept with Cleveland's wife.

    [Quagmire and Cleveland drink] 

    Peter Griffin : I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom.

    [Quagmire drinks] 

    Peter Griffin : [later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table]  Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance.

    Glen Quagmire : Oh, God!

    [Quagmire drinks] 

    Joe Swanson : I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself.

    Glen Quagmire : Oh, God!

    [Quagmire drinks] 

    Peter Griffin : Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics.

    Glen Quagmire : Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous!

    [Quagmire drinks] 

    Glen Quagmire : [he passes out] 

    Joe Swanson : Boy, he's out cold.

    Peter Griffin : Let's write on him!

  • Joe Swanson : Hey, Pat, where's the wheelchair ramp?

    Pawtucket Pat : Oh, we don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.

    [Pawtucket Pat blows a whistle and the Chumba Wumbas come out] 

    Chumba Wumba Chorus : Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo / Life isn't fair it's sad but it's true / Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee / When your poor legs are stiff as a tree.

    Chumba Wumba #1 : What do you do when you're stuck in a chair?

    Chumba Wumba #2 : Finding it hard to go up and down stairs?

    Chumba Wumba #3 : What do you think of the one you call God?

    Chumba Wumba Chorus : Isn't His absence slight-ly odd?

    Chumba Wumba #4 : Maybe He's forgotten you.

    Chumba Wumba Chorus : Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse / Count yourself lucky you're not a horse / They would turn you into dog food / Or to chumba wumba gobbledy glue!

    [the Chumba Wumbas push Joe out of the factory] 

    Joe Swanson : I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet!

    Chumba Wumba #2 : Gobbledy glue!

  • Peter Griffin : If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?

    Glen Quagmire : Taylor Hanson.

    Joe Swanson : Taylor Hanson is a guy.

    Glen Quagmire : [laughs]  You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."

    Peter Griffin : No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.

    Glen Quagmire : What? That's insane. That's impossible.


    Glen Quagmire : Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.

  • Disabled Man : [with electronic voice]  A sphincter says what?

    Joe Swanson : What?

    Disabled Man : Ha ha ha ha. You stupid bastard.

  • Joe Swanson : At least I can do this:


    Joe Swanson : ah, ah, ah, AH, ah, ah, ah!

    Disabled Man : [electronic voice] 


    Disabled Man : Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh crap.

  • Joe Swanson : Peter, it's over.

    Peter Griffin : Over? What are you talking about? What kind of talk is that? It's un-American. Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that DUI? No! Did he quit after he got busted for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit...

    Joe Swanson : I get the message, Peter.

  • Joe Swanson : [siren wails]  Peter Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up!

    Cleveland : Fooled you!

    [all but Peter laugh] 

    Peter Griffin : Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this?

    Joe Swanson : It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us?

    Peter Griffin : Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic.

    Cleveland : What?

    Joe Swanson : Oh, my God!

    Glen Quagmire : Oh, man!

    Peter Griffin : Fooled you!


    Peter Griffin : Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.

  • Kevin : Dad, the fish got away.

    Joe Swanson : The hell it did. You get in there and you kick that fish's ass.

  • Peter Griffin : Looks out curtain at Lois, who's sitting in the front row Look who came crawling back.

    Joe Swanson : [Joe is crawling on the stage towards Peter]  Peter! Have you seen my wheelchair?

  • Adam West : Damnit, Swanson, I want them found!

    Joe Swanson : Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads.

    Adam West : Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"... or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don't ever call here again.

    [he hangs up the phone] 

    Adam West : I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We!

  • Peter Griffin : [a Past Generation of the friends is drinking in the Clam]  To the Clam!

    Glen Quagmire : To the Clam!

    Joe Swanson : To the Clam!

    Joe Swanson : And to mind-damaging STDs!

    Glen Quagmire : I wake up with blood on my penis-pillow!

    Peter Griffin : I'm going to die an old man in a chair, staring out to sea and going slowly insane!

  • Joe Swanson : [snatches gun off Quagmire]  I'm keeping this until you start thinking straight!

    Gun : Use it on yourself, Joe. There's more than one bullet in here!

    Joe Swanson : On second thoughts, maybe you should look after this.

    [gives gun to Cleveland] 

    Gun : Are you really gonna sit there after all the shit the White Man has put you through?

    Cleveland : You take this.

    [Hands gun to Peter] 

    Gun : Hey Peter! With me you could get free tacos!

    Peter Griffin : [Holding up Taco Store]  And I did!

  • Joe Swanson : [Paragliding]  Yes! Faster! I've never felt more alive!

    [Legs taken off by a Coral Reef] 

    Ariel : Aw, I wish I had legs!

    [Joe's legs sink into view] 

    Ariel : Oh, yeah!

    [Starts munching on them] 

    Ariel : It was the fish part of me that wanted them!

  • Joe Swanson : [motivating Bonnie on a running machine]  You're garbage people! You work for the Town!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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