Family Guy (TV Series 1999– ) Poster

(1999– )

Seth Green: Chris Griffin, Neil Goldman, Additional Voices, Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker, Jock #1, Matthew McConaughey, Student, Boy, Jeremy, Joe Horrigan...



  • Chris Griffin : See, my dad's smarter than yours.

    Meg Griffin : We have the same dad, lardo.

    Chris Griffin : Yeah, but mine's smarter.

  • Herbert : Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?

    Chris : It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something.

    Herbert : Who needs them? You like Popsicles?

    Chris : Well, sure.

    Herbert : Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.

    Chris : No, thanks. I gotta get going.

    Herbert : Don't make me beg now.

    Chris : You're funny. Bye.

    Herbert : Get your fat ass back here.

  • Lois Griffin : Chris where have you been?

    Chris Griffin : Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn't have it done.

    Lois Griffin : Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction.

    Peter Griffin : [in a very sexy voice]  Hello!

  • [looking at whales] 

    Chris Griffin : Dad, what's the blowhole for?

    Peter Griffin : I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

  • Lois Griffin : Don't try to pawn this off on your sister! She's a good girl!

    Chris Griffin : Oh, yeah? Well, what about the time she strangled our other sister?

    Lois Griffin : Oh, honey, we told you... that never happened. It was just a bad dream.

    Chris Griffin : But I remember it so...

    Lois Griffin , Peter Griffin : IT WAS A DREAM!

  • Chris Griffin : You should invent the frisbee! The frisbee is an awesome toy!

    Meg Griffin : The frisbee's already been invented.

    Chris Griffin : Then how come I've never heard of it?

  • Chris Griffin : God's watching me do number two? Oh man, I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert.

  • Chris Griffin : Are we there yet?

    Lois Griffin : No, Chris, honey, we're not.

    Chris Griffin : Are we there yet?

    Lois Griffin : No, Chris.

    Chris Griffin : Are we there yet?

    Lois Griffin : Yes, Chris, yes, okay? We're there!

    Chris Griffin : Liar!

  • [Chris hunts Meg with a "bogger" on his finger and tries to smear it in her face] 

    Meg Griffin : Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger!

    Chris Griffin : What good is mining "nosegold" if I can't share it with the townspeople?

  • Chris Griffin : Cheesy Charlie's is great. They have a game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters. I win every time.

  • Meg Griffin : Chris, change the channel. I want to watch George Lopez

    Chris Griffin : That show just furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny!

  • Brian Griffin : Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.

    Chris Griffin : That would explain all the gravity.

  • Chris Griffin : Where do you think you go when you die?

    Southern boy : I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.

    Chris Griffin : UPN?

  • Lois Griffin : Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after church.

    Meg, Chris : MOM!

    Peter Griffin : OK, we can go... but you can't supersize.

    Chris Griffin : Awwwwwwwwwww...

    Peter Griffin : OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.

    Meg Griffin : Oh, come on.

    Peter Griffin : OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.

  • Meg Griffin : I wish Chris would quit drawing pictures of my head on a pig's body.

    Chris Griffin : [shouts]  Don't censor me!

  • Stewie Griffin : Voice control... Hi, I'm Chris.

    Chris Griffin : Hi, I'm Chris.

    Stewie Griffin : Eviscerate the proletariat!

    Chris Griffin : Eviscerate the proletariat!

    Stewie Griffin : [sings]  If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?

    Chris Griffin : Puttin' on the ritz!

    Stewie Griffin : Not my bit, but funny still.

  • Stewie Griffin : The port is quite good.

    Brian Griffin : Yes, quite good.

    Chris Griffin : Indeed.

    Peter Griffin : Most certainly.

    Brian Griffin : What year is it?

    Chris Griffin : '51.

    Peter Griffin : Ah.

    Stewie Griffin : Delectable.

    Brian Griffin : Indeed.

    Chris Griffin : Yes.

    Peter Griffin : [Peter bursts into flames]  Oh, dear.

    Brian Griffin : What is it?

    Peter Griffin : I spontaneously combusted.

    Stewie Griffin : Oh, I am sorry.

    Peter Griffin : Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.

    Stewie Griffin : Ah, very good then.

    Chris Griffin : For the best.

    Brian Griffin : Yes, indeed.

    Stewie Griffin : Tsk-uh! Is it raining again?

  • Chris : I haven't been this confused since the ending of "No Way Out".

    [Flashback to Chris & Brian coming out of a theater that's showing "No Way Out"] 

    Chris : How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?

  • Chris Griffin : Oh, my God, the Government's here! Run E.T.!

    E.T. : Ahhhh!

  • Chris Griffin : Hey dad, you didn't tell us how we got our house back.

  • Chris Griffin : I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!

    Brian Griffin : Ouch!

  • [Chris and Meg are fighting over who should have the remote to the TV, and Chris steals Meg's hat and puts it in his pants] 

    Brian Griffin : Hey, aah... You two better settle down... Aah... Chris give Meg her hat...

    Chris Griffin : I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!

    Brian Griffin : Ow!

  • [trying to get a Scout Merit Badge] 

    Chris Griffin : Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we've tried everything

    Peter Griffin : Well, we almost got that one for insect study.

    [cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat] 

    Peter Griffin : Look Chris, it's a whole family of WASPs.

    Rich Father : My Margaret, what a sub-par ham.

    Rich Mother : Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.


    Rich Father : [to daughter]  Patty, did you know your mother is a whore?

  • Chris Griffin : All right, dad! Fight the machine!

    Stewie Griffin : How does he know about the machine?

  • Meg Griffin : You should go with him. This will be your chance to be alone with dad.

    Chris Griffin : I'm not attracted to dad.

    Meg Griffin : No, tell him you don't want to be in the scouts anymore.

    Chris Griffin : OH.

    Meg Griffin : Yipes.

  • Chris Griffin : Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word, and this time it's definately not "kitty". Can you guess?

    Meg Griffin : Is it kitty?

    Chris Griffin : Ahhhh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

  • Lois Griffin : Peter, punish Chris.

    Peter Griffin : Son, I'm watching the game, you know what to do.

    [Chris begins spanking himself] 

    Chris Griffin : OW. OW. OW. OW. This hurts me more than it hurts you.

  • Chris Griffin : Hey, mom, look at these bananas.

    Peter Griffin : Why you smart little bastard.

    Lois Griffin : Now Chris, these are called "plantains". In fact, some women prefer them to normal size bananas because they're exotic and flavorful, and very very special.

    Peter Griffin : Yeah, Lois, I see all the sorority girls clamoring for the platain section.

  • Peter Griffin : Hey, Chris! Whatcha doing?

    Chris Griffin : Jus' layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops, lemme have some cheddar. Some playa-hata be throwin' salt in my game - grillin' me over my gear. An' I needs to be mackin' style!

    Peter Griffin : Well... ehh... the important thing is you tried, son.

  • Chris Griffin : Hey dad, look. I put honey on my back, and now the ants are carrying me home.


    Peter Griffin : Aw, that's nothing. He does the same thing at home, but with Velveeta and cockroaches. And if ya turn on the lights really fast, they'll slam him right into the fridge.

  • Peter Griffin : Chris is not as smart as you think he is...

    [Peter slaps Chris in the back of the head] 

    Chris Griffin : HEY.

    Peter Griffin : He did it.

    [Peter points to a nearby floor lamp, and Chris attacks it and starts fighting with it] 

  • Meg Griffin : Chris! You're hogging all the fans!

    Chris Griffin : Oh yeah? Well you're hogging all the UGLY!

  • Chris Griffin : I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift, What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you Meg?

    Meg Griffin : Oh... well, my boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara and this wonderful scepter...

    [Meg laughs manically then breaks down sobbing] 

    Stewie Griffin : She needs to get laid big time!

  • Tom Tucker : All right, question number one. Would you consider growing a moustache?

    Intern Interviewee : I guess so.

    Tom Tucker : Question number two. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them?

    Intern Interviewee : I don't know.

    Tom Tucker : Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!

  • Chris Griffin : [driving around with Quagmire, sees a woman walking]  excuse me you dropped something... my jaw! hehe all right.

  • Chris Griffin : I'm so hungry I could ride a horse!... I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store I guess.

  • Meg Griffin : Mom! Mom! Chris found a jar in the basement with a hand in it!

    Chris Griffin : I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows!

  • Brian Griffin : You know what might be a thrill for you guys?

    Chris Griffin : Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!

  • Chris Griffin : WAAAH! Ah, my Morning Scream...

  • Meg Griffin : Mom!

    Chris Griffin : Hahahaha! Nipples!

    Meg Griffin : That's it! I want those cameras off!

    Chris Griffin : Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!

    Lois Griffin : Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.

    Meg Griffin : Well now, I am getting us off TV.

    [leaves angrily] 

    Meg Griffin : I quit!

  • Chris Griffin : Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.

  • Chris Griffin : Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

    Peter Griffin : Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

  • Chris Griffin : I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz.

  • Meg Griffin : Mom, there's no way I'm sleeping in Chris's room this weekend. It smells like old milk in there!

    Chris Griffin : Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up.

  • Brian Griffin : The ol' alma matter. I tell you, there's something magical about Brown.

    Chris Griffin : Brown's the color of poo. AHHAHAHAHAHA.

    Brian Griffin : Yes, it is.

  • Chris Griffin : Dad, what if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts anymore?

    Peter Griffin : I'd say "come again?" Then I'd laugh because I said "come."

  • [Chris jumps on Peter's lap] 

    Chris Griffin : Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...

    [kisses Peter] 

    Peter Griffin : Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.

  • Chris Griffin : Are you and dad going to get a divorce?

    Lois Griffin : Oh, honey... maybe.

  • [on the phone] 

    Chris Griffin : So, what are you wearing?


    Chris Griffin : Wow. I bet you can see right through that.

    Lois Griffin : Chris, who are you talking to?

    Chris Griffin : Grandma.

  • Chris Griffin : It'll be a good chance to get away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet.

  • Chris Griffin : Hi, my name is Chris. Mom and dad said that I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight and not mention poo. Oh god! What have I done?

  • [to Stewie, at Christmastime] 

    Chris Griffin : Here, it's a candy cane. But don't stick it up your nose, it burns like hell.

  • Chris Griffin : Mom, can I be excused from the table? Stewie is gonna help me with my math homework.

    Lois Griffin : Honey, don't be silly. He's only a baby.

    Stewie Griffin : Right, and you are a regular Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from? The University of Duuuuhhh?

  • Meg : Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again.

    Chris : I can't help it, I have these long dancer's legs.

  • Chris Griffin : If I had a hole in my neck, I'd put pennies in it!

  • Meg Griffin : Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez.

    Chris Griffin : That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny.

  • Colleague : You must like working here, it must be like being back at school?

    Chris Griffin : Actually that's a social nightmare like Lord of the Flies. This is a nice clear hierarchy. I hear it's worse in Canada, though.

    Canadian Student : [has trapped a nerd]  Well, look who matriculated early! I guess someone really wants to go to University? What are you going to do when we put you in Hospital for Free, eh?

  • Chris Griffin : Then that is what I shall do, unless Slenderman instructs me otherwise.

  • Peter Griffin : All right, as a Rich Dad I will now expect you to compete for my attention while I remain cold, distant and unimpressed.

    Chris Griffin : Well, Dad, I came second in the School Boat Race.

    Peter Griffin : Sounds like another Dad out there is happier than me...

    Meg Griffin : I got an article in the School Newspaper.

    Peter Griffin : That is because I had it arranged.

    Chris Griffin : I was thinking of joining the Army.

    Peter Griffin : No, Meg, as a girl your life has no inherent worth. Now I'm going to gaze at an expensive piece of scrimshaw. Proud sons of New Bedford all. Ah, that's good scrimshaw.

  • Chris Griffin : You're always getting me running around 'till I'm sweaty. I know what you're about Mr. Herbert! Free Labour, and I'm not putting up with it!

  • Chris Griffin : I ate some bad sausages.

  • German Storyteller : [makes the Chris Marionette do a Gay Song and Dance] 

    Chris Griffin : Ha! That's the most German thing I've ever seen!

  • Chris Griffin : Joe, I'm sure you have some fond memories, but I'd rather get sex advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down.

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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