Kevin Turvey: The Man Behind the Green Door (1982 TV Short)
Rik Mayall: Kevin Turvey
Kevin Turvey : Fish that I like: piranha, cod, whales... that's the fish, right, not the place. I mean, the area, not the plaice that's a fish. Er... oh, I've put meself off there. Er... oh yeah, and mackerels. And fish that I don't like: er... chub, bass, any green fish, like, uh, greenbottles. Er, octopus and squid. And the reasons I like these ones are: cod is great to eat. You can have it with chips, if you want, or you can have it with peas, you can even have it on its own. And it's quite cheap, considering that it's dead, right. And whales are very big... that's about it for whales, really. Oh, and they've got a great hole on the top of their head that they can spray water with. And mackerels are great swimmers. Well, all fish have to be, really, otherwise they'd just go and drown, right. But mackerels are especially great, otherwise how come they ain't extinct? And if you notice the ones that I don't like, right, they've all got one thing in common, haven't they? Can you spot it? That's right, they're all crap. But, you see, good fish or bad fish, they're all fish, ain't they? And that's it, mainly.
Kevin Turvey : [attempting an interview with Mick] A-ha! I can see that you're fishing.
[Mick ignores him]
Kevin Turvey : A-ha, I can see that you're fishing.
[gives Mick a kick]
Kevin Turvey : A-ha!
Mick : Ow!
Kevin Turvey : I can see that you're...
Mick : You just kicked me!
Kevin Turvey : No, I didn't. A-ha, I can see...
Mick : Yes, you did, you just kicked me!
Kevin Turvey : No, I didn't! A-ha, I can see that you're fishing... Tell me, is that your rod, mate?
Mick : [looks around] Who did kick me, then?
Kevin Turvey : Is that your rod there?
Mick : What are you going on about?
Kevin Turvey : Look, I just want to know if that's your rod or not!
Mick : 'Course it's my bloody rod! Do you think I nicked it?
Kevin Turvey : Look, I'm just asking you a question! Er, now look... isn't it a nice day, mate?
Mick : No.
Kevin Turvey : Well, then, do you think that football is better than fishing or not?
Mick : Er, yeah. Yes.
Kevin Turvey : A-ha! In that case, why are you fishing, mate?
Mick : 'COS I WANT TO CATCH A FISH!
Kevin Turvey : Look, I know... Listen, er, Mick... how many fish do you think there is in this lake?
Mick : Er... I should say about seven.
Kevin Turvey : [to the camera] So, there you have it. Whether you're playing football or fishing, there's more fish in there than... six.
Mick : Or maybe eight.
Kevin Turvey : [storms off] Oh, forget it! It was just a complete waste of time!
Kevin Turvey : My name's Kevin Turvey and I'm an investigative reporter, which means I investigate things and then report on them.
Kevin Turvey : [at a bus stop] The situation's getting a bit more serious, right, because some of the shops that I want to go to close at lunchtime. So if I'm not downtown in the next 17 minutes, right, then I'm gonna have an extra 8 pence to pay on this library book. If my watch is working properly, which I don't know. So, the situation's getting a bit hairy... Wait a minute, we're in luck, there's a taxi.
[he flags down the taxi]
Kevin Turvey : All right, mate? Er, have you got the time, please?
Taxi Driver : Uh, yeah, 12:34. Where do you want to go?
Kevin Turvey : Oh, no, it's all right, I'm going to get a bus.
[bleep noise as the taxi driver swears at him. The taxi driver drives off]
Kevin Turvey : Uh-oh! It looks like my watch is working properly, right. Bogey-crap!
Kevin Turvey : That's right, I'm in a supermarket. As you can see, all over the place there's food. Why is that? Well, because if it wasn't here then for most of these people coming to the supermarket would be a completely wasted journey.
Kevin Turvey : Beans, sausages, cornflakes... foods from all over the world gather at Tesco's. It's... it's a Eurovision song contest of food... but, you know, without all of the unpleasantness.