Samurai Cop (1991)
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Now I'm telling these son-of-a-bitches that we respect the Japanese of this country, who are honest businessmen. And yeah, this is the land of opportunity for legitimate business, not for death merchants who distribute drugs to our children through schools and on the streets. Now I'm telling these motherfuckers that if they continue killing our children to make their precious millions that they deposit in their secret Swiss bank accounts, counselor, before your last suit even gets off the court clerk's desk, I'll have their stinking bodies in garbage bags and ship them back to Japan for fertilizer. Got it?
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: [after seeing Frank Washington crawl under a fence, whereas he had climbed over it] Why did you come under?
Frank Washington: Because i'm an undercover cop.
Frank Washington: What does "katana" mean?
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: It means "Japanese sword".
Nurse: Do you like what you see?
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: I love what I see.
Nurse: Would you like to touch what you see?
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Yes. Yes I would.
Nurse: Would you like to go out with me?
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Uh, yes I would.
Nurse: Would you like to fuck me?
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Bingo.
Nurse: Well then let's see what you've got...
[investigates his bulge]
Nurse: Doesn't interest me. Nothing there.
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Nothing there? Just exactly what would interest you, something the size of a jumbo jet?
Nurse: Have you been circumcised?
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Yeah I have, why?
Nurse: Your doctor must have cut a large portion off.
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: No uh, he was a, he was a good doctor.
Nurse: Good doctors make mistakes too, that's why they have insurance.
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: [getting closer to her] Hey... don't worry. I got enough. It's big.
Nurse: I want bigger.
Police Captain: I feel like someone's stuck a big club up my ass. And it hurts. I gotta figure out a way to get it outta there.
Cuban Waiter: [Regarding Jennifer] Her Mother owns the place.
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Where's her father?
Cuban Waiter: [Points to his head, imitating a gun] Bang!
Frank Washington: Killed? Who shot him?
Cuban Waiter: He.
Cuban Waiter: Him.
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Who's "Him"?
Cuban Waiter: Himself.
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Oh, he committed suicide.
Cuban Waiter: Yes!
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: I have a neighbor next door.
Frank Washington: [Being threatened by Yamashita's henchman as one holds a gun to his head and the other grabs his penis and holds a switchblade to it] H-h-hey, t-take it easy man. Hey what the...? C-come on... eh. T-talk to me. What? What, what do you want? What do you...?
Penis Grabbing Henchman: I could kill you now or I can relieve you of this gift.
[Looks at other henchman then motions towards Frank's penis]
Penis Grabbing Henchman: This black gift. In a split second you won't enjoy yourself for the rest of your life. All I want is Samurai's address. His address!
Frank Washington: Son of a bitch. Killed his own men!
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: I know. It's called "code of silence". He doesn't want anybody talking.
Frank Washington: God... Man, look what they done to my car. Captain Rohmer's gonna burn my ass!
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Yeah, he's gonna burn it... charcoal black.
Frank Washington: [Chuckles] It is black...!
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Right on!
[Frank and Joe low-five eachother]
Fooj Fujiyama: So you know where our man is?
Yamashita: Yes, boss. I know the hospital and the room... and he's burnt bad... real bad. He won't be able to talk.
Fooj Fujiyama: I want him dead! I want his head cut off and brought here! I want his head on this piano so that every man in my organization understands, what's more, that no Katana gets captured alive or talks! Got that?
Yamashita: [slowly walks towards Fujiyama] I will bring you his head and I will place it on your piano.
Fooj Fujiyama: I know the real Samurai is here.
Yamashita: [nods his head in obedience]
Peggy: Hey preacher?
Peggy: You and I got nothin' to do, let's fuck.
Johnson: Shut up.
Fooj Fujiyama: So they call him SAMURAI, HUH?
Yamashita: Yes. His real name is Joe Marshall. They call him 'Samurai'. He speaks fluent Japanese. He got his Martial Arts training from the masters in Japan. He was brought over here from the police force in San Diego to fight us.
Fooj Fujiyama: To fight us? To fight ME! To destroy my operation! To kill you and my other men! To put handcuffs on me... and put me in the gas chamber.
[looks at Yamashita]
Fooj Fujiyama: Samurai... if he's a samurai, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU!
Yamashita: I'll get to know him... and then we'll see who the real samurai is.
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: [to Peggy] I may stop by, so keep it warm.
Frank Washington: [after listening to Joe Marshall's conversation with the nurse] "Have you been circumcised"?
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Shut up...!
Counselor: Mr. Fujiyama is very upset.
Police Captain: Yes, Counselor... and he has every right to be... but frankly, I don't give a damn!
Counselor: But Captain Rohmer, let me warn you...
Police Captain: FUCK you AND your client! Now, you get your ass out of my office or you'll have to go to surgery to get my foot out of it! GET OUT OF HERE, YOU ASSHOLE! LEAVE ME ALONE! I've got more important things than a scheisse like you! Get outta here!
Counselor: [leaving] I'll see you in court.
Police Captain: YOU MOTHERFUCKER, I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL! Leave me alone! Get a job!
Yamashita: [Regarding Joe Marshall] He got his martial arts training from the masters in Japan.
Jennifer: How did you know i'd come home with you?
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Let's just say... I can read eyes.
Frank Washington: [to the Police Captain] ... what they want is results, and that's what we're gonna give them, we're gonna give them the results!
Frank Washington: [standing next to a screen door outside Okamura's house and watching him in bed with his girlfriend] Is that him?
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: I guess so. Looks like this is his last fuck.
Frank Washington: Let him finish it then.
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: [cocks his pistol] The hell I will.
Fooj Fujiyama: Officers! If you have anything against me, then book me! Otherwise, as they say, "get the hell out of my face"! This is America. land of freedom and law!
Fooj Fujiyama: A man is innocent until he is proven guilty! You have nothing on me!
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Oh I gotta lotta shit on you!
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Are you Fuj... Fujiyama?
Fooj Fujiyama: Yes, I am. Who are you?
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: I'm a cop!
[Music stinger plays]
Frank Washington: [during the van chase] Hey, let's call for backup!
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: We'll call them when we need 'em.
Police Captain: I should fire both of you. You never brought me one of those bastards in alive, so I could nail 'em with something! And because of you, I'm about to be fired. I'm gonna lose my pension; that means my future's gone.
Police Captain: But you know something? I don't give a fuck! There's only one thing in this world I want. I want you to find that motherfucking Japanese gangster! I want you to kill him and I want you to kill every one of his men!
[Music stinger plays as he's speaking]
Police Captain: I want you to turn his house into a bloodbath! Don't leave anybody alive! And when they're all dead, you come back to me. And all three of us will turn our badges in... and say goodbye to it. We'll be off this police force for good.
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Now you're talking.
Frank Washington: Alright. See you, Captain.
Police Captain: [calmly] See you in hell.
Frank Washington: [Before the police raid on Okamura's house] Who's going to answer to Captain Rohmer on this?
Frank Washington: Shit, man! He'll burn my ass!
Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: You don't have to worry about that, it's already uh...
Frank Washington: Yeah yeah, I know. It's already black, huh?
Frank Washington: This time, he'll probably cut my dick, too, huh?
Peggy: You better come to my house before you report to the captain.
Frank Washington: For what?
Peggy: Let's use it before you lose it.
[Everyone but Johnson laughs]