Almost Heroes (1998) Poster


Chris Farley: Bartholomew Hunt



  • Hunt : I name this here fork "Pittsburgh Nellie"; a Welsh whore who could do things with her one good arm that'd make you forget that *thing* on her neck.

  • Jackson : Sir, Higgins has a story.

    Edwards : Well, Higgins the floor is yours.

    Higgins : This particular event happened last summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia. My brother and I had just finished cutting a field of hay and were enjoying the evening meal under the shade of an elm tree. He went down for water by the creek and when he was gone, I took a bowl that was filled with delicious plum pudding and placed into it, not one, but two large pieces of sheep shit. When he returned I encouraged him to taste the plum pudding... And as sure as Im standing before you, he did! He ate it all. Shit Pudding!

    Edwards : You got your brother to eat sheep dung. That is a very interesting story.

    Hunt : Tell him the ending, that's the best part.

    Higgins : Oh yeah. To be perfectly honest with you sir, I have no brother. It was me. I ate sheep shit! Swear to God.

    Edwards : Clever twist there on the ending.

  • Hunt : What I remembered the most were the animals.

    Edwards : [smiles]  Ah, the animals...

    Hunt : Fearsome beasts of the mountains and plains. I've seen a bear so powerful... that it *snapped* a man's body in half with his huge jaws. Garrgghh! Garrgghh! I've seen a badger with paws as big as frying pans. And that'd rip your face right off! Right off! Nothing you can do with that! Just rip it off! Once there was a hawk that swooped down from the sky... Aggghhh! Aggghhh! Aggghhh! And plucked a man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Auuuggghhh! Auuuggghhh! The fella was screaming, "I'm blind! I can't see!" *Twice* when I was fishing...

    Higgins : [Horrified]  THERE'S AN ANIMAL NOW!

    [everyone except Edwards and Hunt starts firing at the animal] 

    Higgins : We can't kill it! We're all dead! God save us!

    Hunt : Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

    [everyone stops firing. Hunt looks closely and sees that the animal is just a squirrel nibbling on an acorn] 

    Hunt : It's only a squirrel.

    Pratt : He's got something in his hand!

    Guy Fontenot : Something in his hand!

    [they continue firing at the squirrel] 

  • [a bear has come into camp] 

    Bidwell : My nose itches.

    Hunt : Don't scratch it.

    Bidwell : Feels like there's a bug up in there.

    Hunt : You scratch your nose. You're dead.

    Bidwell : Well, I don't know what's worse. The bear or my itchy nose.

    Hunt : I think it's leavin'.

    Bidwell : I'm going to scratch it!

    [begins scratching his nose and the bear turns around and bites his leg] 

    Bidwell : [shouts]  The bear is worse! The bear is definitely worse!

  • Lady : I hope Satan himself burns the flesh from your miserable bones.

    Hunt : Good God, Lady.

  • [When trying to read; repeated line] 

    Hunt : Muh... Hah-buh...

  • Hunt : Walk to Asia? I like it.

  • Hunt : The next man who leaves for New Orleans


    Hunt : will do so with a lead ball in his back!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

Recently Viewed