Billy Madison (1995)
Adam Sandler: Billy Madison
Billy Madison : [to Miss Lippy] Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.
Principal : Mr. Madison, the Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel forever. Discuss, citing specific examples.
[Billy clears his throat several times]
Billy Madison : Uh... Okay. The Industrial Revolution to me is just like a story I know called "The Puppy Who Lost His Way." The world was changing, and the puppy was getting... bigger.
Billy Madison : So, you see, the puppy was like industry. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially the little boy - "society" - knew where to find 'em. Except that the puppy was a dog. But the industry, my friends, that was a revolution.
Billy Madison : Knibb High football rules!
[the crowd erupts into cheers]
Principal : Mr. Madison, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison : Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.
Bus Driver : That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean.
Billy Madison : No, you don't.
Bus Driver : Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her *got it on*. Wooo-eee!
Billy Madison : No, they didn't.
Bus Driver : No, no, no they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right...? Everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful.
Bus Driver : No yelling on the bus!
3rd Grader : How's high school Billy?
Billy Madison : High school is great. I mean I'm learning a lot. And all the kids are treating me very nice. It's great.
3rd Grader : Gee, I can't wait till I get to "hike" school.
Billy Madison : [grabs 3rd grader's face and whispers] Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.
3rd Grader : Hey look everybody, Billy peed his pants.
Billy Madison : Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.
3rd Grader : Really?
Billy Madison : YES. You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants.
3rd Grader : Hey look, Ernie peed his pants too. Alright!
Old Farm Lady : If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy Madison : OOH. That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's Go.
Billy Madison : Hey I'm trying to score points with the teacher today. DON'T SCREW IT UP.
3rd Grader : I dare you to touch her boobs.
Billy Madison : Touch her boobs? That's assault brotha. You double dare me?
Billy Madison : [walks down the bus to the teacher] Uhhh Miss Vaughn, I was wondering how long there's to get there, I need to go to the bathroom.
Veronica Vaughn : Not too long now...
[Billy pretends to fall on her, while groping her]
Billy Madison : Oh, I'm sorry! Damn bus driver drives like an animal!
Veronica Vaughn : That's alright, Billy, why don't you go back and sit now?
Veronica Vaughn : I double dare you.
Billy Madison : [Stuttering] That... tit... accident...
Veronica Vaughn : Go back to your seat now.
Billy Madison : ...I... Yes...
[looking embarrassed now]
Billy Madison : Well, I made the duck blue because I'd never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one.
Miss Lippy : Well, I think it's an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade.
Billy Madison : Wow, Miss Lippy, that's great. What do you think of that Mr. Blue Duck?
[pretending to be duck]
Billy Madison : That's quacktastic.
Veronica Vaughn : So it's um, the last day of third grade, and you have the teacher alone in your tent, what do you want to do?
Billy Madison : Well I can think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would include a buffalo...
Veronica Vaughn : Really?
Billy Madison : ...Live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.
Veronica Vaughn : Good morning, class.
Third Grade Class : Good morning, Miss Vaughan.
Veronica Vaughn : We're going to start today by reading together a short story entitled "My Sister Fanny".
[the class laughs]
Veronica Vaughn : Quiet. So let's all open our "Reading Is Fun" books to page sixty nine.
Billy Madison : Sixty nine!
Billy Madison : [singing] Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.
Billy Madison : [Veronica has taken Billy out of the classroom after making fun of the kid trying to read My sister Fanny] OW! Your tearing my ear off.
[Sits down on chair]
Veronica Vaughn : [scolding Billy in the hallway] Making fun of a little kid for trying to read. Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?
Billy Madison : I'm sorry I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear.
Veronica Vaughn : You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I'm going to fail you. End of story.
[Goes back into classroom]
Billy Madison : I see your lips moving but I can't make out the words. I'm deaf. Oh Veronica Vaughn so hot want to touch the heiney.
[Howls like a wolf]
Billy Madison : Arrroooooooo!
Billy Madison : No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.
Billy Madison : Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll.
[after putting dog poop in a paper bag and lighting it on fire on Old Man Clemens' porch]
Billy Madison : Oh my God, Old Man Clemens hates shit.
Frank : Shh, here he comes.
Old Man Clemens : Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara, it's one of those flaming bags again.
Barbara : Don't put it out with your boots, Ted.
Old Man Clemens : Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one's outta control.
[Old Man Clemens steps on the bag, then lifts up his boot and smells]
Old Man Clemens : Eck, poop again.
Billy Madison : He called the shit "poop".
[Billy, Jack, and Frank laugh hysterically]
Frank : This is the best night of my life.
[They continue laughing]
Old Man Clemens : I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die.
Billy Madison : [to his Father] I think Crazy Carl is right.
Billy Madison : Bunt. B-U-N-T, in perfect cursive. Any more brain busters?
Veronica Vaughn : "Rizzuto"?
[Billy ponders, then writes]
Veronica Vaughn : Rirruto?
Billy Madison : Those're Z's.
Veronica Vaughn : They look like R's to me.
Billy Madison : That's not fair! Rizzuto's not a word! He's a baseball player! You're cheating!
Billy Madison : [sings] # Suntan lotion is good for me. / You protect me, hee-hee-hee. #
Brian Madison : You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...
Billy Madison : Actually I, uh, stole this shirt from Frank.
[Lifts his shirt to show "FRANK" written on the inside]
Brian Madison : Yea, well whatever, it's all my fault. I made a mistake.
[Looks up to see Billy lifting his shirt]
Brian Madison : What? Are you some damned moron?
Teacher : Spell "couch".
Little girl : Couch. C-O-W...
Billy Madison : No!
Teacher : [to little girl] No, I'm sorry, that's not right.
Teacher : Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly you pass second grade.
Billy Madison : Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?
Teacher : No I'm not goin to the mall, keep spelling, mister.
Billy Madison : C-O-U-C-H!
Teacher : Correct!
Billy Madison : I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!
Billy Madison : [after Danny shoots Eric] Man, I'm glad I called that guy.
Billy Madison : [on the blackboard] Eric drinks his own pee.
Danny McGrath : [On the phone] Hello?
Billy Madison : Hello? Is this Danny? Danny McGrath?
Danny McGrath : Yeah.
Billy Madison : The Danny McGrath who graduated from Knibb Highschool in 1984?
Danny McGrath : Yeah, who's this?
Billy Madison : Umm... this is Billy Madison. You probably don't remember me but I went to high school with you. And I, um, kinda gave you a hard time back then, and, uh, I did some things I thought were funny at the time, and realized they were just mean and stupid. And I just called to apologize and hope you forgive me.
Danny McGrath : [Nonchalant] Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it, it's no problem.
Billy Madison : Wow, that's great! Well, I am sorry, and maybe we can get together sometime and have some coffee.
Danny McGrath : Yeah, sure. I'd like that.
Billy Madison : [Relieved] Okay, great! I'll see you around.
Danny McGrath : Okay. Bye.
[Danny reaches down, grabs a marker and uses it to cross Billy's name off of a list on his wall titled, "PEOPLE TO KILL". Once done, he puts on a large amount of bright red lipstick, sighs in relief and sits back to listen to his music]
Billy Madison : [drunk, he sees a fake a penguin] It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around here. I gotta send him back to the South Pole.
Billy Madison : [deleted scene]
[running out of the house with Veronica and Juanita chasing him]
Billy Madison : No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! No more studying! I'm done studying! I'm done studying! I'm done studying!
[hides, crouched, near a tree]
Billy Madison : [Veronica and Juanita catch up] Billy's not here. I'm a dog.
[makes growling noises]
Dog on TV : Speak for yourself, Moron!
Billy Madison : Ha ha ha, oh my GOD that is funny!
Kid : You got a misshaped head.
Billy Madison : Thank you.
Billy Madison : Okay, alright... Alright, you got it. First Grade through Twelfth Grade all over again. I'll do each grade in two weeks, take the test, re-graduate, prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels.
Brian Madison : That's some idea. You just think of that?
Billy Madison : Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh?
Eric : Brian, don't you think the future of Madison Hotels and its sixty one thousand employees is too important to gamble on a game like this?
Brian Madison : No.
Brian Madison : You're on.
Billy Madison : You want some more of that? I didn't think so!
Billy Madison : [to Eric] You broke my heart.
Veronica Vaughn : Norman invasion of England.
Billy Madison : 1066.
Veronica Vaughn : That is correct. The Magna Carta.
Billy Madison : 1215.
Veronica Vaughn : Yes. Spanish Armada.
Billy Madison : 1466. '67. 1469. 1514. 1981? 1986? Please do not do that. Come on, I swear... Just hang in there one second. Please, God, give me the answer!
Billy Madison : You BLEW IT!
Brian Madison : [as he turns around while sitting down] What a mess. First this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it, and now Eric's secretary is in a coma. Carl, has anybody been able to find out anything about this Max guy?
Carl : No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is.
Eric : I believed in Billy all along, sir.
Billy Madison : [to Eric] Oh, cut the horseshit! I know you blackmailed Max.
Brian Madison : Take it easy, Billy. Things were going along great until this wrestling freak messed things up. Billy should get another shot at high school.
Eric : Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the two weeks or I get the company. He didn't finish ninth grade.
Carl : Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances.
Eric : Extenuating, "exschmenuating". We had a deal. A signed, written deal. Each grade, two weeks, or I get the company.
Brian Madison : Well, technically you're right, but...
Eric : [before Brian could continue talking, Eric interrupts him] Oh, shut up, Brian. I've had to listen to your jawing for too long. "Well, technically..." Blah, blah, blah! Just shut up! So, are you ready to hand the company over to me now?
Brian Madison : No.
Eric : Then, I'll see your ass in court.
Brian Madison : Good.
Eric : [to Brian, Billy and Carl] Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads.
[then Eric laughs and attemps to leave Brain's office]
Billy Madison : Oh, I CAN... and i WILL!
Billy Madison : Just DO IT!
Billy Madison : Alright, boys night out! Let's go!