Homicide: Life on the Street (TV Series 1993–1999) Poster

Richard Belzer: John Munch


  • Dr. Julianna Cox, CME : Don't you even wonder why?

    Det. John Munch : Why what?

    Dr. Julianna Cox, CME : Why he lied.

    Det. John Munch : I'm a homicide detective. The only time I wonder why is when they tell me the truth.

  • Det. John Munch : Homicide: our day begins when yours ends.

  • [answering the phone at Christmas] 

    Det. John Munch : Ho-ho-homicide.

  • Det. John Munch : [looking at corpse]  With those beady eye and that mustache he looks like a cross between Steve Buscemi, John Waters and Edgar Allen Poe.

    Det. Tim Bayliss : Aren't they all the same person?

  • Sgt. Kay Howard : If you were going to hide a body, where would you bury it?

    Det. John Munch : In a cemetery.

  • Det. Stan Bolander : How come every time I open that refrigerator, there's one drop of milk left in the carton? So who has to go to the 7-11 and replace the carton of milk?

    Det. John Munch : Me.

    Det. Stan Bolander : That's besides the point. He's doing that on my behalf. He could be doing something else for me.

  • Det. John Munch : Name one miracle that's happened in your lifetime.

    Det. Stan Bolander : How 'bout the fact that I haven't killed you yet?

  • Det. Tim Bayliss : So does the violence make them stupid or does the stupidity lead to violence?

    Det. John Munch : Well, that's chicken and egg semantics. The important point is that we win some cases because our brains are repositories for intelligence and their brains are day-old banana pudding.

  • Det. John Munch : The only thing I have in common with Judaism is we both don't like to work on Saturdays.

  • Det. John Munch : [Bayliss is taking some pills for his back pain]  What d'ya got there, Timmy? Some good stuff, huh? Percodan, Percocet, Tylenol, greenies?

    Det. Tim Bayliss : They're muscle relaxants!

    Det. John Munch : Even better.

    Det. Tim Bayliss : You don't get any!

    Det. John Munch : No-one's willing to share their drugs anymore.

  • Det. John Munch : Life should come with a money back guarantee. If you're not satisfied, return unused portion for a full refund.

  • Det. John Munch : I don't like to form attachments with people. They either get suspended or throw china at you.

  • [looking over a dead body] 

    Det. John Munch : From the tracks on his arms, large caliber wound, proximity to a heroin market... I'd say it was a heated dispute about the symbolism of red and blue in 18th-century French romantic poetry.

  • [Bolander sees bird droppings on his car] 

    Det. Stan Bolander : Would you look at this? Pigeons!

    Det. John Munch : Not from a pigeon, it's from a waterfowl.

    Det. Stan Bolander : A what?

    Det. John Munch : A waterfowl. From a mallard.

    Det. Stan Bolander : A duck?

    Det. John Munch : A well-fed duck.

    Det. Stan Bolander : Right, like you can tell the difference. That couldn't come from a seagull, I suppose?

    Det. John Munch : No, gulls have a milky white splurter. Notice the lobular pattern, these splays within splays.

    Det. Stan Bolander : Munch... why do you know these things?

  • Det. John Munch : Every evening is as random as the next, death doesn't follow a schedule.

  • Det. John Munch : You're saving your really good lies for some smarter cop, is that it? I'm just a donut in the on-deck circle. Wait until the real guy gets here. Wait until that big guy comes back. I'm probably just his secretary. I'm just Montel Williams. You want to talk to Larry King.

    Bernard : I'm telling you the truth.

    Det. John Munch : I've been in murder police for ten years. If you're going to lie to me, you lie to me with respect. What is it? Is it my shoes? Is it my haircut? Got a problem with my haircut? Don't you ever lie to me like I'm Montel Williams. I am not Montel Williams. I am not Montel Williams.

    Bernard : Who's Montel Williams?

    Det. John Munch : I'm not Montel Williams.

  • Det. John Munch : But what if they make me take a test? I can't take tests. I always clutch. What if I take it and fail and all our dreams come crashing down?

    Det Tim Bayliss : Well, then it's simple. Meldrick and I will harm you.

  • Potential Waitress : I'm not really a waitress. I write. One-acts.

    Det. John Munch : Hunh, one-act plays.

    Potential Waitress : Read them and we'll talk about them, okay?

    Det. Meldrick Lewis : You're a writer and you had to ask me for a pen?

    Potential Waitress : My life is total irony.

    Det. John Munch : All in one act, huh?

  • Det. John Munch : [coming out of a bar and then saluting an American flag]  I'm too damn sober.

  • [regarding an uncooperative witness] 

    Det. John Munch : We're gonna neutron this little bastard!

  • Det. John Munch : I took the liberty of having my craw removed years ago so that I could sleep at night.

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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