The Kids in the Hall (1988–1994)
Dave Foley: Various Characters, Various, Jaques
Dave : Hi, I'm just writing a letter to someone in the hospital. You know it's always kinda hard to find the right words to say. You know, somehow "How's the weather in the hospital? Sure is nice outside" just doesn't work. But you gotta try, you know, you gotta show your concern. So here's what I got so far: "Dear Guy, I clotheslined as you went by on your bicycle. You don't know me, but I'm the guy who broke your collarbone. Now, I've asked myself over and over, why did I clothesline that guy? Perhaps I watched too much slapstick as a kid and expected you to get up after being violently assaulted. Imagine my confusion when you did not. Although not so confused that I'd actually hang around. In all fairness, it was pretty funny. I mean, the last thing you'd expect as you were riding merrily by on your bike is that someone you didn't know at all would stick out his arm and crush your throat. I mean, you really should've seen it, it was just like, wham! Bam!
Dave : Anyway... in closing, as you lay there convalescing in your hospital bed, I'm forced to wonder, what were you doing riding your bike on the sidewalk anyway? Huh, ya asshole? SideWALK? Maybe sometimes we bring heartache upon ourselves. Signed, the guy that collapsed your trachea."
Dave : I was born in that house. And you know what? I intend to die there. Oh, I don't live there anymore, but that's where I'm going to die. Die in the house where I was born. Sort of a dream of mine. So, whenever I'm feeling a little bit sick, I just come down here. You know, just in case. Right now, I've got a bit of a cold, but it could escalate.
Guy : Hello? I want you to tell me where a shoe store is because I want to look for a pair of shoes and buy 'em.
Shopkeeper : I'm sorry. I'd love to be of assistance to you, but I'm afraid I speak no English. Allow me to reiterate, I speak no English. Perhaps this will wash the confusion from your face, my friend. My apparent fluency is the result of constant repetition. As you can imagine, I have been through this speech many times before, in fact, I could repeat it for you in any one of seven different languages. Yet oddly enough , I've never learned to speak it in my own, which is fine since over the years I have forgotten how to speak my own language.
Bad Doctor : [Covered in blood, drinks from the water cooler] You know what, I'm a bad Doctor. I'm not bragging, who would? I'm just totally unqualified to practise medicine in any capacity. But I was a popular kid, and whenever I got a confused look on my face during a test, the cheat notes would just start flying. Even the teacher would go "Cough! Mitochondria!" I figured, "How far could I coast on charm?" Well, pretty far actually. I want to show you something. See this? It's urine. Another man's urine, I ask for it and they give it to me! I don't know what to do with it, I have a fridge full of the stuff. I could always send it to the Lab but they'd only send me a bunch of results I couldn't possibly understand. Oh well, time to tell the family the patient didn't make it. It's the hardest part about being a Doctor. I think...
Buddy Cole : What are the odds? I can't believe it. Here I am, stranded on a desert island. And my only supplies are my favorite book - "All About Rhoda" by Peggy Hertz from Scholastic Press. And my favorite album - Johnny Mathis and Denise Williams: "That's What Friends Are For." I always like to have an ex-lover's music around; Denise is good, too. And, for companionship, the one and only Oscar Wilde. Oscar, say something funny.
Oscar Wilde : Shall I?
Buddy Cole : Yes, do your stuff. Do the "Wilde" thing.
Oscar Wilde : Well, Buddy, I recall as I laid dying in my death bed, I came out of my stupor momentarily and declared with perfect aplomb, "Either that wallpaper goes or I do!"
Buddy Cole : Oh, that was rich, Oscar! Oh, jeez, let me catch my breath for a second. Oh, oh, I am so glad that I brought you and not someone common.
Oscar Wilde : Message received, Buddy. You know, Buddy, the trouble with the common man...
Buddy Cole : Yes?
Oscar Wilde : ...is that he is so unbearably common!
Buddy Cole : Oh Oscar, funny, but you're such a snob.
Oscar Wilde : Oh, that's my charm.
Buddy Cole : Oh, oh, it's really too bad that you're dead.
Oscar Wilde : Oh, I know.
Buddy Cole : Does it bother you?
Oscar Wilde : Well, you know Buddy, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
Oscar Wilde : What? Philadelphia!
Buddy Cole : That's funny, but W.C. Fields said it.
Oscar Wilde : Well, yes, if you had been listening to me correctly, Buddy, what you would have heard me say was, "I may have been born yesterday but I still went shopping."
Buddy Cole : That was me.
Oscar Wilde : Oh, yes, yes.
Oscar Wilde : Well, I seem to be getting a bit of laryngitis, Buddy. I'm afraid there'll be no more quipping today.
Buddy Cole : Oscar, please, stop with the laryngitis nonsense. You're pathetic. You would have never lasted on television. I'll bet what you really said on your death bed was something more like, "Shit!"
Art Teacher : I'm sorry, but naked, fat, black, crippled dykes are hard to come by.
Daddy : Hey, son, you know how you've been bugging me to go and get you a puppy? Well, today after work, I went out and I bought you one. But on the way home, I got hungry and I ate him! I'm joking; I'd never buy you a puppy.
Guy #1 : I know it's a clichÈ, but my favorite album of all time is still "Sgt. Pepper's."
Guy #2 : "Sgt. Pepper's"? What's that?
Guy #1 : Only the Beatles' most famous album!
Guy #2 : I'm sorry, the Beatles? Who are they?
Guy #1 : The best group of the sixties!
Guy #2 : Oh, the sixties. I didn't hear much music in the sixties.
Guy #1 : What are you talking about?
Guy #2 : Well, dad always was a little crazy. After the car accident he started medication and things got worse. One night he woke me up and knocked me out. He brought me down to the basement where I lived for the next ten years. I heard no music, I had no friends. They shoved food under the door so I had to eat pancakes and pizza. It was awful, but I survived.
Guy #1 : Gee, I'm sorry. I, uh, didn't know.
Guy #2 : Of course I've heard of the Beatles, you retard!
Man #1 : So it was a good movie. It wasn't a great movie, but how often do you see a great movie?
Man #2 : Oh, I saw a great movie last night. Yeah, it was on the late show. It was... um... uh... uh... oh, what was it called? It's a classic. It's... um... uh... oh, I hate this! I hate it when this happens!
Man #1 : Well, what was it about?
Man #2 : Uh, it's about this newspaper tycoon and he's dead and everybody's telling stories about him and...
Man #1 : It's "Citizen Kane."
Man #2 : No, that's not it. No, no, no, no. But it's something like that. It's uh... it's um...
Man #1 : Okay, who was in it?
Man #2 : Orson Welles is in it. And it's called...
Man #1 : Then this is "Citizen Kane." It's "Citizen Kane."
Man #2 : No, that isn't it. That's isn't it, but you're not far from it. It's uh...
Man #1 : Well, who else was in it?
Man #2 : Uh... I don't know.
Man #1 : Was Joseph Cotten in it?
Man #2 : What else has he been in?
Man #1 : "The Third Man," "The Magnificent Ambersons"...
Man #2 : Oh, "The Magnificent Ambersons!" Yes! Yes, yes, he was in it! Yes! Oh, that's one of my favorite Orson Welles movies!
Man #1 : Well, this is definitely "Citizen Kane," then. You're talking about "Citizen Kane."
Man #2 : No... no, no. But it's... it's something like that.
Mass Murderer : The difficult thing about being a mass murderer isn't the murdering part. It's the mass part. It's the pace you've gotta keep up, the sheer volume of murdering. 'Cause the funny thing about killing: After the first time you've killed, the second time it's easy. The third time you start to get cocky, so you gotta be careful. You know, you gotta stay humble or you make dumb mistakes. And, oh, by around the seventh time you're likely to feel like you're in a bit of a rut. Want to get artistic with it, you know, start cutting off the middle toe of each victim so you'll be known as "The Middle Toe Murderer." By that point, I don't know, I think that's showboating. You know, you gotta ask yourself: "Who am I doing this for? Am I doing it for myself or for the press?" Around about the twentieth murder, well, you're likely to be sick of the whole thing. You know, sometimes I don't even want to look at another corpse. I feel if I even see a chainsaw, I'll scream. It's like what happened the other day: I had just finished ending a human life in a senseless act of violence when I run into this old friend of mine from high school. And he says, "Hey! Whatcha been doin'?" And I think to myself, "What HAVE I been doing? What am I doing with my life? Where's this leading? Am I gonna be doing this at fifty?" Sometimes I think I really should go back to college.
Dave : Well, this is the place I've been telling you about.
Kevin : Yeah, it's really nice. So, what do you eat when you come here?
Dave : Well, I'll tell ya. If you're gonna eat here, you've got to try the Shitty Soup.
Kevin : Shitty Soup?
Dave : Oh yeah, everyone that comes here has the Shitty Soup.
Kevin : It doesn't sound that great.
Dave : Oh, it's not, it's awful. That's why they call it "shitty."
Silvee : What's wrong, my Michelle?
Michelle : Oh, Silvee, I can't stop thinking about Tony, wondering where he could be, who he is with, what is he thinking, is he thinking of me, and whether he'll ever return someday.
Silvee : Oh, Michelle.
Michelle : Hmmm?
Silvee : You have to stop lying awake wondering about Tony, wondering where he is, who he could be with, what he's thinking, if he's thinking of you, and whether he'll ever return one day.
Michelle : Oh.
Man : Upstairs we are having a fabulous party, but we've run out of wine. So I am forced to borrow a bottle of yours. My God, it stinks in here! It stinks of stupid women wondering about Tony, wondering where he could be, who he is with, what he's thinking, whether he's thinking of you, and whether he'll ever return someday.
Daddy : All right now, son, I want you to get a good night's rest. And remember, I could murder you while you sleep.
Daddy : Son, how many girls called you today? Zero? And how many girls called you yesterday? Lemme guess: zero? Well, you know what they say, son. Zero plus zero equals FAG! Zero times any other number always equals FAG! Think about it, ya little mathematician.
Captain : [a ship that should be in the South Pacific is in the North Atlantic] How did we end up here, Mr. Navigator?
Navigator : I don't know, sir.
Captain : You're not a very good navigator, are you?
Navigator : No, I'm not, sir.
Captain : Then how did you get this job?
Navigator : You liked my hair, sir.
Captain : Ah, yes.
Kevin : We're going to have to let you go. You're a girl-drink drunk! I can't help feeling responsible, but then I can't help not caring either. Now get out of here before you start throwing up... little fruity things!
Dave : Okay, but I'll tell you something. You're not the only Cardboard Packaging Company in town!
Kevin : Yes we are, Dave.
Dave : Oh. Oh, well then...
Chicken Lady : So what do you do?
Dave : I'm a banker.
Chicken Lady : Gee, you must be thirsty!
Sir Simon Milligan : Let me guess, this is... Jed?
Hecubus : No. No. This is Julio. AAAI-YI-YI-YIIIIIII.
Sir Simon Milligan : Now we're cooking with EVIL gas. Now Julio, how long have you been in the brain, may I ask?
Hecubus : I have... okay I can't take it - it's still Fred. I got you. I got you good. Hahaha.
Sir Simon Milligan : ...eeevil.
Sir Simon Milligan : And now, the sleep of ages! Saba, lava, kuti! Hecubus, are you sleeping?
Hecubus : [very monotone] Yes, Master.
Sir Simon Milligan : [to audience] If Hecubus is sleeping, how could he answer me? Maybe because... he lied? Dirty dirty liar! Evil evil white boy! He lied, he lied, he lied, he lied, he lied, he lied, he lied!
Man Oblivious about his Wife being a Prostitute : People say Boarding School is cruel, but I think it enriched me...
Dave : So you're not from Toronto?
Chicken Lady : No, just moved here, come on in!
Dave : What are you?
Chicken Lady : Gee you're not too bright. I'm a Chicken Lady. And I love life, do you love life?
Dave : Yeah.
Chicken Lady : Good, 'cos I put that in my Personal. "Chicken Lady Loves Life!"
Dave : Chicken Lady? I never took that literally!
Chicken Lady : I made you an omelette, since I figured you wouldn't like bugs.
Dave : Oh, thank you. Mmm, it's good.
Chicken Lady : That's 'cos they're fresh. Straight out of my body and onto your plate!
[Dave screams and runs out]
Pyromaniac : You can't fire me, I'm French!
Dave : She's got a point.
Einstein : So, good day for painting the fence?
Dave : Oh yeah? You think so Einstein? You work that all out for yourself? Think you're a big man, Einstein?
Einstein : Look, not everything that comes out of my mouth is going to be the Theory of Relativity.
Dave : Oh, thanks Einstein. That's something I never could have worked out. Go on, get out of it, Einstein.
Einstein : [walking away, to self] Don't let him get to you. He's just a guy painting a fence, and you're Einstein.
Cool Substitute Teacher : But I'm just a man, I'm human!
Class : Yeah!
Cool Substitute Teacher : I've smoked pot!
Class : Yeah!
Cool Substitute Teacher : I've tried Heroine!
Class : [uncertain] Yeah!
Cool Substitute Teacher : A few times, yes, and you know, what I'm really, really trying to do now... is cut down on the number of times I... try heroine... in a day! You know what? I'm going to get under my desk for a while. You all listen to this Rock Music. Did you know Rock Lyrics are just poetry set to Music? It's valid! Cathy, I want to talk to you for a moment, it may be related to your grades...
Cathy : Well, if it's about my grades...
Kevin : This is bullshit, Theo!
Cool Substitute Teacher : Yeah, shut up.
Dave : How else can we explain people who say "I don't need to take drugs to have a good time"? How else can we explain New Age Music? Could Mankind have invented Golf without Alien Intervention?
Dave : [bar fight] Okay, I'll take the guy in the big T-shirt, you take the Giant Flesh-Eating Beast of Antorr.
Scott : And surely everyone can see this as a burlesque of contemporary values as I lay your wife on the Dining Room Table and take her in a way you would never dare to try!
Wife : He couldn't, he was impotent!
Scott : You're next pal. I want you in me!
Dave : Sorry, no can do. Though I'd love to. Oh, sure I experimented with homosexuality in College, I mean, who didn't? And I drank human blood. There, I said it and I feel better having said it!
Chicken Lady : High School was Hell for me.
Dave : Oh, imagine that.
Chicken Lady : If you want to stay in my good books, don't call me a Bird Brain. If you want to stay in my good books, which you do...
Trapper 1 : [hunting Executives for their suits] We have to be careful not to deplete the stock, Francois. We don't want to make the same mistake we made with the Beaver!
Trapper 2 : Oh, the Beaver! Where were our heads?
Trapper 1 : We've got to learn to think long term.
Trapper 2 : We got to learn to think "Where were our heads?"
Kevin : Daddy was a Salesman. Oh Daddy COULD DRINK!
Daddy : Aw thanks for the present, son! I don't deserve this! I don't deserve anything really... Tap shoes! I don't know how to dance! I can't dance! Ya little bastard!
Kevin : [caught drinking] Oh, I don't really drink, I'm more of a Social Drinker, can't call this drinking...
Girl Drink Drunk : [In supply cupboard, shouting over martini blender] IT'S OKAY! I'M JUST LOOKING FOR PAPERCLIPS!