Danny DeVito: Vincent Benedict
Julius Benedict : Wait a minute. You forgot the third rule in a crisis situation.
Webster : What third rule?
Vincent Benedict : Third rule?
Julius Benedict : Yeah, third rule.
Vincent Benedict : [notices the crane above Webster] Oooh! The third rule.
Webster : What's the third rule?
[Vincent hits the crane switch which drops a pile of chains on Webster burying him]
Vincent Benedict : Yo! Holy shmoly! Now there's a man with a lot on his mind.
Julius Benedict : [to Klane] Now the first rule in the crisis situation, you negotiate first and you attack last.
Vincent Benedict : You negotiate *first* and then you attack?
Julius Benedict : You never negotiated.
Vincent Benedict : [to Klane] Ah hah!
Julius Benedict : You don't know what kind of an enemy I am.
Morris Klane : Who are you?
Julius Benedict : Vincent's brother.
Vincent Benedict : [happily] We're twins.
Julius Benedict : That's right.
Morris Klane : [smashes a glass case and grabs a fire axe] You're firewood.
Julius Benedict : Axe, axe, axe, axe, axe!
Morris Klane : [swings the axe at Julius]
Julius Benedict : You have no respect for logic.
Vincent Benedict : But he's got an axe!
Morris Klane : [Klane charges Julius, who sidesteps his blow. The axe is imbedded in the wall. As Julius grabs him]
Julius Benedict : And I have no respect for those who have no respect for logic.
[picks Klane up with both hands and lifts him a foot up in the air]
Julius Benedict : You're a very stupid person.
[throws him into an open elevator]
Vincent Benedict : [to Klane as the elevator is about to close] You tell your brother, he messes with ME, he messes with my whole family!
Julius Benedict : Why are you being so immature about all this?
Vincent Benedict : Look, Julius. Do you know how many times I've heard stories like this? It's every orphan's fantasy. My real mom and dad were rich, and beautiful. But... there was a mix-up at the hospital. And I got switched with another baby. But one day, there's gonna be a knock at the door. And there they'll be, with open arms, crying, "My darling. My treasure. We didn't know. How can we make it up to you?" Let me tell you something for your own good Julius. It a CROCK!
Beetroot McKinley : [answers the phone] Beetroot McKinley talking. Who is this?
Vincent Benedict : Uh... Webster - calling from California. I happen to have something, uh, some merchandise, that you, uh, that you might want.
Beetroot McKinley : Well, bring it to me, son. Let me enrich you.
Vincent Benedict : Well, uh, Mr. Beetroot, it's the amount of enrichment that I wanted to talk about.
Beetroot McKinley : Don't try and renegotiate with old Beetroot, son.
Vincent Benedict : Look, Beetroot, if we can't renegotiate, we wither and die. Look, there's no way Mr. Beetroot, that I am gonna deliver any damn Cadillac, unless I know for sure that I have... TWENTY for my cut.
Beetroot McKinley : Twenty? You little shit-for-brains peckerwood! You're out of your goddamn crazy diseased greedy mind!
Vincent Benedict : Well, I guess that seems a little high for you.
Beetroot McKinley : YEAH.
Vincent Benedict : Well, I'm a reasonable man, uh, how 'bout fifteen?
Beetroot McKinley : The deal is FIVE!
Vincent Benedict : FIVE? I can do better than five here.
Beetroot McKinley : If you can do better than five million dollars, then, son, you take it.
Vincent Benedict : [starts to have trouble breathing]
Vincent Benedict : [having trouble talking] Beetroot, I'll see you in Houston. After all, fair is fair. I'll just have to find it in my heart to live with your offer.
Beetroot McKinley : Well, good.
Vincent Benedict : [they both hang up] Five MILLION! Five MILLION dollars! Five MILLION dollars!
[over dinner in a bar]
Julius Benedict : Did you know that they had beer in ancient Egypt?
Linda Mason : No.
Julius Benedict : Actually it was invented by the Assyrians, but the Egyptians were the first people to perfect the malt fermentation process.
Linda Mason : You know a lot about beer.
Marnie Mason : He knows a lot about everything.
Julius Benedict : It's all from books.
[raises his bottle]
Julius Benedict : Until tonight, I never had a beer. It's all theory and no practice. Ah, that's the story of my life.
Linda Mason : Aw...
Vincent Benedict : Well, we're gonna change all that... aren't we, Marnie?
Vincent Benedict : [points to a device in the lab] This must, uh, be where you made the milkshake.
Mitchell Traven : We weren't making milkshakes. We were making the most fully developed human the world has ever seen.
Vincent Benedict : But instead of just one perfect kid, Mom had the two of us.
Vincent Benedict : Way to go, Mom.
Mitchell Traven : Wrong. The embryo did split in two, but it didn't split equally. All the purity and strength went into Julius. All the crap that was left over went into what you see in the mirror every morning.
Vincent Benedict : Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're telling me that I'm the crap?
Julius Benedict : No, this is not true, Vincent.
Vincent Benedict : Wait a minute, Julius. I wanna hear this.
Vincent Benedict : You're telling me that I am the left over crap? That I'm no good?
Julius Benedict : He's *wrong*.
Mitchell Traven : [points at Vincent] Look at him.
Vincent Benedict : Are you saying that... I'm a side effect?
Mitchell Traven : You haven't got the brain power to understand this, and I haven't got the time. Show's over.
[He starts to walk out, leaving Vincent stunned and heartbroken. Julius seizes him by the coat]
Julius Benedict : Hey! Dickhead... tell us where our mother is.
Mitchell Traven : Ah... Whispering Pines. It's an artists' colony 200 miles north of Santa Fe.
Julius Benedict : If you're lying to me...
[Traven holds up his hands and shakes his head]
Julius Benedict : I'll be back.
Vincent Benedict : [impressed with Julius's fighting abilities] You could be a boxer or something. I could be your manager.
Julius Benedict : No, I could never fight for money.
Vincent Benedict : Well that's fine. You fight, I'll keep the money.
Julius Benedict : Actually, I hate violence.
Vincent Benedict : But you're so good at it!
Vincent Benedict : Women love men who are mysterious and devious. It keeps them on their toes. It excites them. You know what I mean?
Julius Benedict : No.
Vincent Benedict : You do like women?
Julius Benedict : Oh, very much so. They're strange and sensitive. They have compassion. I have the highest respect for women.
Vincent Benedict : [turns around] You're a virgin!
Julius Benedict : That's private.
Vincent Benedict : [to himself] A 230-pound virgin.
Vincent Benedict : I got another six hours to pay the money back and tell the Klane brothers that harassing a man who's already in the slammer is beneath even them.
Vincent Benedict : The Klane boys. What an unpleasant surprise.
Burt Klane : Vince, this has gone way beyond a case of simple loan delinquency.
Bob Klane : We don't like bein' shot.
Vincent Benedict : Shot? Who shot ya?
Julius Benedict : What do you want?
Burt Klane : We want to take Vince out to the parking lot and kill him.
Vincent Benedict : Don't you think that's a little drastic?
[after their visit to Los Alamos]
Vincent Benedict : My life just got flushed down the toilet.
Julius Benedict : No, Vincent.
Vincent Benedict : I'm genetic garbage.
Julius Benedict : We're twins. We're basically the same.
Vincent Benedict : Look, Julius, I don't know if you've noticed yet, but we don't look the same, we don't talk the same, and we don't dress the same!
Julius Benedict : I know.
Vincent Benedict : So if we're so alike, how come we're so goddamn different?
Julius Benedict : We had six fathers. We're many parts of a lot of different people.
Vincent Benedict : Yeah?
Julius Benedict : And don't forget, I was taken to a beautiful island, I was cared for, educated, looked after. You had nobody, Vincent. No one to love you, teach you, or encourage you. You see, Vincent, you're the missing part of my life. And I'm the missing part of your life. And when we find Mama, we can be the missing part of her life. We won't be alone anymore. We can be a family.
Vincent Benedict : A family?
Julius Benedict : Yes.
Vincent Benedict : You mean, like, with a Christmas tree... and Thanksgiving dinner?
Julius Benedict : And a real home, where you'll always be welcome.
Vincent Benedict : Always?
Julius Benedict : [smiles] Even when you've been bad.
[Vincent laughs, and tearfully hugs Julius]
Vincent Benedict : Well, that's it. The last check is written. What do we have left out of the $50,000 reward?
Julius Benedict : Well, after we've paid off all our debts, we have exactly $12,278.
Vincent Benedict : $12,278... that's terrible.
Julius Benedict : What?
Vincent Benedict : That is terrible.
Julius Benedict : Oh, you're just upset because I made you return that suitcase.
Vincent Benedict : Oh, the money... you mean the $4 million. $4 million, just say it. I mean, just say it, "four *million* dollars." That's a lot of money Jules.
Julius Benedict : [seriously] Vincent, I'm very proud of you.
Vincent Benedict : [exhales] Well... yeah, I'm kind of proud of myself.
Julius Benedict : Now, isn't it great to be one of the good guys for a change?
Vincent Benedict : [laughs] It feels *great* to be a good guy!
Julius Benedict : I'm really worried about you, Vincent. How much money do you owe? Now don't lie to me. We're twins. I can feel your pain.
Vincent Benedict : Why do you keep saying that? We're not twins, were not brothers, we're nothing.
Julius Benedict : Twenty thousand?
Vincent Benedict : Due this morning.
[gets in the car]
Vincent Benedict : [calling him to get in] Come on!
Julius Benedict : Now don't worry about anything, Vincent. As long as I'm with you, I won't let anyone harm you. Okay?
Mary Ann Benedict : Good. Tickets.
Linda Mason : Thanks, this is gonna be great.
Mary Ann Benedict : [as they turn to look at Julius and Vincent] I just can't get over how alike they are.
Vincent Benedict : Oh yes, it's a beautiful day.
[Julius and Vincent yawn in unison, and the camera pans down to show each of them pushing a stroller with twin children in them]