Geena Davis: Barbara
Adam : You can see us without the sheets?
Lydia : Of course I can see you.
Adam : Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
Lydia : Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual". I myself am strange and unusual.
Barbara : You look like a regular girl to me.
Barbara : [after Jane did not hear Adam call her] She didn't see you, right?
Adam : Unh-uh.
Barbara : [reading the handbook] In the book: "Rule Number Two: the living usually won't see the dead".
Adam : 'Won't' or 'can't'?
Barbara : It just says 'won't'. God, this book is so stupid. I can't understand anything in it.
[Adam takes the book and closes it]
Adam : Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.
[in the waiting room of the afterlife]
Barbara : Adam, is this what happens when you die?
Receptionist : This is what happens when *you* die.
[points at a gaunt man smoking]
Receptionist : That is what happens when *he* dies.
[points at a woman cut in half on the sofa reading]
Receptionist : And that is what happens when *they* die. It's all very personal. And I'll tell you something: if I knew then what I know now...
[shows her slit wrists]
Receptionist : ...I wouldn't have had my little accident.
[the dead people laugh]
Beetlejuice : I'm feeling a little, ooh, anxious if you know what I mean. It's been about six hundred years after all. I wonder where a guy, an everyday Joe like myself, can find a little action...
[a brothel appears]
Beetlejuice : [dances with joy] Hey, Adam, nice move!
Barbara : Adam, why did you build that?
Adam : I didn't!
[Adam and Barbara appear at Juno's office]
Juno : The whorehouse was my idea! I want you to get Beetlejuice out of the picture!
Adam : Cabin fever, hon?
Barbara : Well, I can't clean anything properly. The vacuum's out in the garage and we can't leave the house. Why don't they tell us something? I mean, where are all the other dead people in the world? Why is it just you and me?
Adam : Maybe this is heaven.
Barbara : In heaven there wouldn't be dust on everything.
Barbara : Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.
Lydia : Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?
Adam : We're ghosts!
Lydia : What do you look like under there?
Adam : Aren't you scared?
Lydia : I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you "Night of the Living Dead" under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
Adam : Night of the what?
Lydia : Living Dead. It's a movie.
Barbara : You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
Beetlejuice : I gotta card around here, somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? Here hold that for me, would ya?
[hands Barbara a rat]
Barbara : Whoa! AHH!
Beetlejuice : There. There ya go.
Adam : You don't have to kill anybody!
Beetlejuice : Ah, possession! Good.
Barbara : [In Betelgeuse's voice] Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!
Delia : Charles, I will not stop living and breathing art just because you need to relax.
Charles : Ha.
Delia : I'm here with you. I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane, and I will take you with me!
Charles : [after a long pause] Yeah, well, you know, maybe the house could use a little remodeling. Uh... But, why don't you just leave this room alone, okay?
Delia : [smiles] Okay.
[Delia and Otho leave as Charles goes furious]
Barbara : [furiously] I'm gonna get her.
[Adam and Barbara see a dark room with decomposed souls]
Barbara : Oh, Adam... What is this?
Janitor : That's the lost souls room; a room for ghosts that have been exorcised. The poor devils. That's death for the dead. It's all in the handbook.
[he closes the shade of the room]
Janitor : Keep moving.
Barbara : [to Adam] What's the good of being a ghost if you can't frighten people away?
Barbara : What about that guy in the flyer, you know Betel...
Juno : Shhh! Don't even say his name! You don't want his help!
Adam : We might.
Juno : No, you don't! He does not work well with others.
Barbara : What do you mean?
Juno : I didn't want to bring it up, but rather than have you stumble on to it and make another mistake, I'll tell you. He was my assistant, but he was a troublemaker. Went out on his own as a freelance bio-exorcist. Claimed he could get rid of the living. Got into more trouble. In fact, I believe he's been sleazing around your cemetery lately. The only way he can be brought back is by calling his name three times. But I strongly suggest you get the Deetzes out by yourselves.
Barbara : What's wrong?
Lydia : Beetle...
Barbara : Shhh!
Lydia : HE told me that if I could let him out, he would take me to the other side to find you.
Barbara : Lydia, we're dead.
Lydia : Well, I want to be dead too.
Barbara : No! Lydia, being dead really doesn't make things any easier.
Adam : Listen to her on this, Lydia, this is something we know a lot about!
Juno : Okay, have you been studying the manual?
Adam : Well, we tried.
Juno : The intermediate interface chapter on haunting says it all: get them out yourselves, it's your house. Haunted houses aren't easy to come by.
Barbara : Well, we don't quite get it.
Juno : I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you!
Adam : We should start more simply then?
Juno : Start simply, do what you know, use your talents, practice! You should have been studying those lessons since day one.
[Adam and Barbara make it back home as the sandworm is about to eat them]
Barbara : [crying, hugs Adam] Oh, Adam! We're trapped in this house with those people!
[Adam and Barbara struggle to understand the "Handbook for the Recently Deceased"]
Barbara : I hate this. Just can you give me the basics?
Adam : Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you wanna know?
Barbara : Well, why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven? Are we halfway to hell? And... how long is this gonna last?
Adam : I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation.
[Snaps book shut]
Adam : Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.
Barbara : [to Adam] Maybe we should try that Beetle guy.