Something Big (1971)
Dean Martin: Joe Baker
Joe Pickins : I guess I'd still be a horse soldier if I hadn't lost my leg.
Joe Baker : In the war?
Joe Pickins : Naw... See, there was this girl in Virginia... and her father caught us... cut it off. Chopped it clean off! With an axe. While I was sleepin'.
Joe Baker : Really?
Joe Pickins : Cross my heart.
Joe Baker : You're lucky it was only your leg.
Stagecoach lady : [wearing a low-cut dress; she is in a stagecoach that Baker's gang has just stopped ] Are you a bandit?
Joe Baker : [friendly, even though he is planning to kidnap her ] No, ma'am, just an old cowboy tryin' to get along.
Stagecoach lady : [friendly ] Well, honey, I don't care what you call yourself. But if you're after our valuables, I'll tell you now - mine, you can't put in a saddle-bag.
Joe Baker : [smiling ] You wanna bet?
Joe Baker : [riding on a horse, through the hot desert, with his hostage Mary Anna Morgan; he offers Mary his canteen, but she hesitates to take it ] I'll make a deal with you - you can hate me, but you can still drink my water.
Mary Anna Morgan : [very hot and thirsty, accepts his canteen ] On that basis, I'll do it.
Joe Baker : [noticing her wiping the rim very thoroughly ] I don't have a disease.
Mary Anna Morgan : [referring to their relationship in general ] Neither do I, and it's gonna remain that way.
Carrie Standall : [as Baker rides to the Standall sisters' home, which is a shanty and a shed, next to an old mine, by the boundary of the Texas and New Mexico territory ] Baker, you just get purtier and purtier.
Joe Baker : I sure am a lucky man. Every time I come back here, I half expect to see you two gone.
Carrie Standall : Every time we think of leaving, Polly finds another nugget.
Polly Standall : That's right. We ain't got nothin' but a cow and a hole in the ground.
Carrie Standall : You might say we live from nipple to nugget.
Polly Standall : [to Baker on his horse ] Come on down. I got a' itch that needs scratchin'.
Jonny Cobb : I'll trade you that there Big Gun for a woman.
Joe Baker : [disbelief ] A what?
Jonny Cobb : [firmly ] A woman.
Joe Baker : [surprised ] What do you want with a woman?
Jonny Cobb : [insulted by the implication ] What do you mean? What do you mean, what do I want with a woman? What should any man want with a woman?
Jonny Cobb : [all cleaned up, holding a bouquet of flowers, with a lacy garter around his left sleeve, in anticipation of Baker bringing him a woman ] Baker, where's a woman?
Joe Baker : When I have her, I'll let you know, alright?
Jonny Cobb : [mad ] When?
Joe Baker : What do you think I am, Cobb, a magician? You think it's easy to produce a woman out of nowhere? Don't you think if I could find a woman, in this territory, I'd have one or two for myself?
Jonny Cobb : [upset ] We got a deal. You and me, a deal. A woman for a Gatling Gun. Now, I can get my hands on that Gatling Gun this week. Where's a woman?
Joe Baker : What you need is a drink, Jonny. Sit down, Jonny. Have a drink.
Jonny Cobb : [very frustrated ] When I lie down at nights, I'm thinking about a woman. And when I get up in the morning, I'm thinking about a woman. It's been years. Baker, it's been years! I can't remember. I can't even remember what it's like.
Joe Baker : [matter-of-fact tone of voice ] Well, Jonny, I'll tell you what it's like. First of all...
Jonny Cobb : [mad ] I don't want you to tell me, I wanna do it!