Elliott Gould: Trapper John McIntyre
Trapper John : Well, what's the matter with her today?
Hawkeye Pierce : I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.
Trapper John : It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.
Hawkeye Pierce : She can't even get out of the door, look.
[Hawkeye sits down with Frank]
Hawkeye Pierce : Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...
Frank Burns : Mind your own business.
Hawkeye Pierce : No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?
Duke Forrest : What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?
Trapper John : Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.
Duke Forrest : Ohhhh, is that a fact?
Hawkeye Pierce : Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?
Frank Burns : Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
Hawkeye Pierce : Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?
[Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye]
Hawkeye Pierce : Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
Duke Forrest : What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Hawkeye Pierce : Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Trapper John : Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!
[Trapper is guest of honor at a party celebrating his appointment as Chief Surgeon]
Trapper John : ...No, no, no food, no food! Sex! I want sex! Give me some sex!
[notices Hot-Lips across the mess tent]
Trapper John : No, no, no, that one, the sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes! Take her clothes off and bring her to me!
Duke Forrest : What color was her hair?
Trapper John : Black, shiny. Shiny black hair.
Duke Forrest : Black. You like black, huh? I'm kinda partial to blondes myself.
Hawkeye Pierce : I knew it. I knew you had a - - had an attraction for Hotlips Houlihan.
Trapper John : Hear, hear.
Duke Forrest : Go to Hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. 'Sides, I'll bet she's not a real blond.
Hawkeye Pierce : How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army, sir.
Duke Forrest : I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with twenty bucks, how's that?
Hawkeye Pierce : You have yourself a bet, sir.
Hawkeye Pierce : You're my witness.
Trapper John : I'll be a witness, but who's going to be the poor schmuck who finds out?
Duke Forrest : We... We gotta all see it together. Somehow.
Capt. Peterson : [hostile tone of voice] What are you two HOODLUMS doing in this hospital?
Hawkeye Pierce : Ma'am, we are surgeons and we are here to operate. We just waiting for a starting time. That's all.
Capt. Peterson : You can't even go near a patient until Col. Merrill says its ok and he's still out to lunch.
Trapper John : Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch.
[turns to Hakweye]
Trapper John : Ham and eggs will all right.
[turns back to Capt. Peterson]
Trapper John : Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.
Capt. Peterson : [outraged] Oh!
[turns to leave and bumps into Nurse in Japan]
Capt. Peterson : Oh! Fool!
[stomps out of ward]
Nurse in Japan : How do you want your steak cooked?
[Trapper has just opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer]
Hawkeye Pierce : I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini?
Trapper John : A martini? Yeah, I'd love a martini.
Hawkeye Pierce : [to Ho-Jon] Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a martini.
Hawkeye Pierce : I'm sure you will find them satisfactory. They're quite dry.
[sips from his glass]
Trapper John : Don't you guys use olives?
Duke Forrest : Olives? Where in the hell do you think we are, man?
Hawkeye Pierce : We have had to make certain concessions for the war; we ARE three miles from the front line.
Trapper John : Yes, but you really can't savor a martini without an olive, you know.
[reaches into coat pocket and pulls out a jar of cocktail olives, while Hawkeye and Duke stare dumbfounded]
Trapper John : You see, otherwise, it just doesn't... quite... make it.
[he drops the olive into the glass on the last word]
Trapper John : Well, you know, Man o' War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had an average of about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals a year, and he lived to be thirty-six. And then when he died, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen.
Trapper John : [In O.R] Dish, let me have a long needle holder.
Duke Forrest : [Mulcahy is performing the last rites on a casualty] Hey, Dago! Dago! Dago, I want you over here to hold this retraction. Now! Please, come on, now!
Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy : Sorry, I'm coming.
Hawkeye Pierce : Hi, Dago.
Duke Forrest : I'm sorry, Dago, but this man is still alive and that other man is dead, and that's a fact. Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago? Hell... Where the hell... Do ya see it?
Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV : [in the middle of an operation] Who are you guys?
Hawkeye Pierce : [mock-British accent] I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually, and this is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
Trapper John : Grrrr!
Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV : Why don't you save that rapier-like wit for the clam-diggers back home, Hawkeye?
Trapper John : I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf.
Trapper John : [after practicing golf shots on heli-pad with Hawkeye, a pilot along with Vollmer comes to talk to him] Lieutenant! You look terrible! Look at... Captain look at his eyes. Let me see your tongue.
[inserts cigar as thermometer]
Trapper John : Oh no, no, here take your shirt off and tell me where it hurts. I haven't seen a case like this since I was in school, oh my goodness. Listen, Vollmer, tell them to prepare for major surgery, this is one case in five, I think I can save you Lieutenant.
[handing lieutenant golf balls]
Trapper John : Lieutenant, I think I can save you. Look, take one of these every half hour, now get into your helicopter, and button up your shirt for crying out loud! You're in a military army!
Trapper John : But Hawkeye, that man has five times the man power to draw than we do.
Hawkeye Pierce : Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right? We get Henry to apply, making a specific application for a neurosurgeon. He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.
Duke Forrest : Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones...
Trapper John : Oh... who is...
Duke Forrest : Who the hell is Oliver Harmon Jones?
Hawkeye Pierce : Better known as "Spearchucker" Jones.
Trapper John : He's a good ball player?
Duke Forrest : Oh yeah. He's that nigra that played for the 49ers. He's good. He's GOOD.
Trapper John : Finished work for the day?
Frank Burns : Yes. Why?
Trapper John : Good. I was hoping you'd have time tonight to sleep this off.
[Trapper punches Burns to the floor and injures his hand just as Colonel Blake and Hotlips walk in]
Trapper John : [in pain] Ow! Damn! Son of a bitch!
Colonel Blake : Trapper! Captain McIntyre! What the hell?
Hotlips O'Houlihan : [incredulous] That's a *captain*?
Colonel Blake : What happened? Who started this?
Trapper John : I hit him! He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead!
Frank Burns : He wouldn't have touched me if I had my guard up.
Trapper John : General, you can't blame Henry because Hot Lips can't stand her name.
Trapper John : [spoken in the background while taking compromising pictures of Col. Merril in bed with a prostitute] There's no competition to the Painless Pole... but it's uh, it's uh, pretty healthy I think.